So Broken

Well I know this is a site to post testimonies, but I have read entries of those asking for prayer. I am doing so in my entry, however, I do hope I can come back one day and post again as a testimony.

I need prayer for my boyfriend and for myself. You see, he is a broken individual and it affects those closest to him, especially me. I get wrapped up in wanting everything right again “right now” and I consume myself with the situation and I know that isn’t what God wants. I cannot fix my boyfriend, I have learned that. But I can and do lift him up to the Lord.

My boyfriend had a childhood that no child should have to go through. The biggest traumatic experience involved molestation. As a result of all the traumas, my b/f became hardened and built walls along the way. And he grew such a loathing for himself. Well that continued into his adulthood and has affected all of his past relationships. He was very honest with me from the beginning and as I grew to love him, I accepted the bad with the good. The main reason I stand by him, aside from loving him, is that I have been allowed to see who he wants to be. He wants a relationship with Christ, but doesn’t know how to do it. On top of that, he fears showing any vulnerability, and when we come to the Lord, it must be with a humble, vulnerable heart, I believe. He has asked the Lord into his life, but all this time, he has walked with one foot in and one foot out. He has had so many demons for many years and with that foot out, it’s easy for them to come flooding back. The enemy uses the same things over and over to tempt him…all worldly things. He pushes all the “good” people in his life aside and says he rather be around people who are miserable, like him. He hurts me tremendously in these episodes, as he becomes very selfish. Then, in the midst of connecting to worldly and sinful things, he has a tremendous amount of guilt and shame and it quickly turns into self loathing. He says he doesn’t want to turn from faith, but he cannot go there “right now.” He has made many strides and has gone a long time before his current stumble, and I told him I believe he will be a testimony one day. When he is good, he is so loving and cares so much for those around him, and walks in faith the best he can. However, he has never completely surrendered to the Lord from the heart, and I believe in doing so, getting baptized, and staying strong in faith and seeking the Lord, he will be free of his chains and the demons will flee.

As I mentioned earlier, I tend to get consumed with all of this but I know that isn’t what the Lord wants. He wants me to truly surrender my boyfriend to Him and he certainly doesn’t want me to put my boyfriend before Him. And in the midst of the chaos, I get tremendously stressed, down, can’t eat, my thoughts of what’s going to happen plague me…and I know none of this is of God. Therefore I ask for prayers for myself, too, that I learn to surrender it all to the Lord and just step aside patiently and accept His will! And that I learn to keep still and peaceful in the midst of the chaos. I trust the Lord and turn to him daily, in thanks and in asking for help, however, I want and need MORE of Him in my life, as this situation brings out fear, uncertainty, doubt, etc.

I thank you in advance for your prayers. As I mentioned earlier, I truly hope to post again down the line as a testimony. God Bless you.

Vicki

12 Comments

  1. Daniela 2/22/2011
  2. vicki lynn 2/22/2011
  3. David 2/22/2011
  4. vicki lynn 2/23/2011
  5. Marcel 3/13/2011
  6. vicki lynn 3/15/2011
  7. SummerLiketheSeason 4/16/2011
  8. vicki lynn 4/19/2011
  9. minz 5/4/2011
  10. deborah 5/9/2011
  11. vicki lynn 5/11/2011
  12. jenpadron18 6/23/2016

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