Praying Girl

Shouldn’t have done it.

Hi. I am just posting for prayers and comments please. I am not having the best time.

Just over a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I was 18 when we started dating and he was 26. We had had a turbulent relationship and I was always breaking up with him because I wasn’t sure of my feelings. He was the perfect guy and was great for me but I guess I was too young to be in a relationship and I couldn’t see it. He was very patient with me but I started slipping from God while we were in the relationship and rebelled and left Him. I didn’t do anything terrible for a while but eventually after the penultimate breakup I saw someone else and felt like I had lost my perfect boyfriend. I was so afraid so I ran back to him and asked him to take me back telling him I was sure that I wanted to be with him, which I wasn’t. I felt guilty about this but I shut it out and numbed myself to the voice of God telling me it was wrong for me to be with him when I wasn’t sure and he was.

We stayed together for almost a year but because I was already straying from God I started to become more and more hardened. I started to treat my boyfriend badly and telling everyone that I didn’t really have feelings for him. Eventually I decided to break up with him for good. I was miles away from God at the time and was talking to friends who didn’t know God. At the same time that I had decided, another guy came along and I started to flirt with him while I was still with my boyfriend. My poor boyfriend knew that it was going on but chose to disregard  some of it, putting it down to just friendship. Then less than a week before my boyfriend and I broke up, I started seeing this guy for real. After we broke up, I continued to see him and the relationship became physical. I am so ashamed of my actions while I write this. I look back and see my heart and how calloused and ugly it was and wish that I had just returned to God and found him then.

6 weeks later I left the other guy and started to miss the perfect guy again. I wanted to go back to him, but I still wasn’t sure that I could commit. I told him I wanted to try but when I confessed everything that happened and told him that I still wasn’t sure, he had had enough and decided that he didn’t want it anymore despite the fact that I kept trying with him.

I feel rotten because I just look at myself and think “you didn’t want him, you just didn’t want anyone else to have him”, but a year later now, I have matured a little and realise that this man was so wonderful and we could have had a great marriage. I realise it’s pointless to regret it all now but I am suffering terrible anxiety and depression feeling like I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. I have so many if onlys. If only I had let him go at the right time. If only I hadn’t seen that other guy. If only I had waited for a while to start the relationship with him. He was such a special and unique guy. I don’t know if I will ever find another one like him, yet I just couldn’t make it work.

I feel like all of this is worldly sorrow leading to death. I don’t even know if I am repentant over treating him so badly. Sometimes I feel like I am beyond repentance. This all happened a year ago and I can’t get it off my mind. To compound that, I am supposed to be starting  a new job as a doctor in two weeks and because of all the anxiety I cannot get myself together to find a place to stay a car and all the things I need to do. I really need help but I feel so distant from God and everyone. I feel guilty that I am not doing the right things but desperate also because I cannot find the motivation.

 Because of everything I have done I feel so unlovable and broken. I feel numb, like I have no emotions and dirty and stained. I want to be cleansed but I can’t find God to help me. Please help.