This was the most biggest struggle that I was facing, because I knew I’m not doing the Will of God. I always wanted to justify my sin and make it right or okay and that was so wrong. I had same sex attraction at a very young age and I started acting on it when I went to high school. I lived a homosexual lifestyle for 9 years and I kept it a secret from my friends and family for 6 years.
I was a church going teenager but I never gave my all to God. At that point I didn’t want to know God intensely because of my sin and that I had this sin at a very young age. When I was 14 I fell in love with this girl in my class, we were friends so I went to sleep over at her house and a lot happened, after that incident I wanted to be with her and she saw it as an experience. She didn’t like girls in that way.
I was heartbroken and upset after what happened everything just went downhill. I became a huge player and sleeping around with a lot of girls. I had a lot of relationships during High School I just ran through relationships. Not one of these relationships lasted longer than 4 months.
I had a double life because I had boyfriends to cover up what I was busy with. I always felt anxious and scared of what people would think and when I would get caught. When I started working I eventually told my parents and they supported me and even let me have my girlfriends over, when they reacted that way it gave me confidence and so I dated even more women and slept with all of them because I felt this was okay and right because this is who I am and if people didn’t like it they can leave.
While doing this I opened doors for alcoholism and sexual immortality and I would get drunk every weekend passed out at a club or bar or having one night stands. I would be so unhappy and hurt. The only time I wouldn’t be sad is when I was drinking. I ruined myself.
I always had that small voice inside of me who knew that living that way is not in contexts with the word of God and this was not God’s plan for my life.
I would go to numerous churches that were okay with same sex attraction and I would just feel wrong and I would get this feeling of unpleasantness.
I always loved the Lord, but me having this sin I stayed away from Him. I would talk about Jesus with family but I never knew who He was like having an Intimate relationship. To me He was just someone I believed in when I needed something.
I was a lukewarm Christian and I was okay with that at first but I always wanted to experience more and get to know who Jesus is. My mom was praying for me to find Jesus Christ and live according to the word of God, at this time I didn’t know about her praying for me, I only found it out after I told her that I’m going to live my life according to Jesus and leave my sexual desires and fleshly sin.
My one friend invited me last year to a night of worship with Israel Houghton and Bishop Michael Pitts, during the worship experience I asked Jesus to enter my life again and take all of me because I want to know who He is I was seeking Him and that is all that I wanted I felt the spirit uplifting me and I felt light and all my burdens are washed away. I was filled without needing something to fill me I never liked being alone. Jesus took my loneliness away and filled me with His Love.
Living a life with Jesus is not lonely at all. I have a great support group of women going through the same struggles of same sex attraction and we are sisters in Christ. I don’t label myself as anything just a daughter of the Living God, I also don’t date, If God wants me to date then I would, but I’m not open for that because I’m still learning who Jesus is and loving Him first.
This year I surrendered all my fleshly desires and asked Jesus to fill my life with His love. This was the best decision I have ever made in my whole entire life because I am filled and I walk in the spirit daily I am much more happier and I feel free my friends and family support me and I am thankful for that.
It’s not easy in the beginning when you tell people that you have been saved by Christ they tend to Judge and say oh no you can’t change or we knew you were straight and not gay. Everyday is a struggle but it gets much easier because I have Jesus and I want to help so many people who believe that this is the way they are and it is only the lies of the enemy because we are made perfect in Christ.
People have to stop labeling and accept that Jesus can deliver us from anything because He is Almighty and the God of miracles. Jesus Is the only one that can completely fill us and I am glad I found His love because I am filled and I am so grateful that we have the Holy Spirit to guide us and help with any trials and tribulations. Denying my flesh makes it more easier to overcome my desires and living in spirit, I just picked up my cross and started following Jesus Christ because He is the Way the Truth and the Life.
Jesus I pray that anyone struggling with the same desires or any struggles their going through that you guide them and show them the plans you have for them and that each one of us pick up our cross and follow You. Because You are the Living Son of God and You died so we might live and have life more abundantly. In Jesus Name I pray this. Amen.