Restoration, Hope and Another Chance

Hi my name is Chris. I am 24 yrs old. A while back I came across this website after coming back to God, I believe its been 2 yrs going on 3. I recently just got baptized at my local church. I wanted to get baptized for a couple of reason. The main reason is I wanted to remember what it was like and the whole experience, I was baptized when I was small but can’t remember it of course. The other reason I went for it was cause I saw the name of a girl that I care deeply about on a piece of paper and I thought if she is brave to do it why shouldn’t I? I have had the pleasure to be her friend for I believe since I was 10.

When we met we both liked each other but didn’t know it and  we were both shy about it, I wanted to pursue my feelings but at that time I just became friends with her brother and I gained another family that stuck with me through thick and thin I thought if things don’t work out I would lose all of them so I kept it a secret and stuffed it down for the longest time. she then thought of me as a brother and it was like that until I think high school is when those feelings reappeared and wanted to go out with her but she was into other guys and I thought I no chance. Until 2015 or 2016 is when god showed me a way I believe.

I was surfing the Internet one day and I came across a gift that allowed her to go to Scotland and own property (FYI I believe the only way you get to live in Scotland is either by owning land, relative or born there) this was her dream since she was a wee girl and I was so excited and I gave it to her on her 21st birthday and we started to date and hangout for 2 yrs I think off and on. Our relationship was pretty good, we didn’t argue, got along pretty well. Later we hit a bunch of bumps in the road and  we didn’t talk that much when we were around each other but when we Skype that was the best thing ever, WE TALKED and I mean talked for 2 hrs or more on some nights. there were nights I was needy calling every night which crossed the line I bet sometimes. there were other nights when I wouldn’t get to talk to her for a WHOLE WEEK Sunday -Sunday, on average I got to see her once every week and that was at church and then went to her parents house to spend time with her, while they were around of course.

Around those times I didn’t spend time with her I would cry and I would pray I believe:

“God please fix or restore the relationship, bring us closer together and to you, please change me and the way I think and my heart.”

I thought everything was my fault, because of past relationships(like not having sex, not kissing her, being oblivious to other people liking me and my favorite immature, ask my circle of friends they would say other wise on the immature part) plus I would have thoughts  or the devil would whisper “she doesn’t like you or you have nothing in common why do you bother with the relationship when that person over there could be better or its never gonna work out” sometimes VERY FEW I would agree with them and to be honest I wouldn’t talk to her about my feelings sometimes and when I did talked about it, I more brought it up or hinted to it like” it’s hard to reach you sometimes or like I tried to reach you but no answer or what do u think of me(sometimes I didn’t feel like she cared for me or loved me as much I do for her I even said I love you which left me very vulnerable, I feel love gets used to much that it doesn’t mean as much as it used to, so I used to say it only when I meant it, didn’t even say it to my own mom cause I know she knew I loved her anyway  I would ask her that question sometimes) the reply I would get I believe “I don’t know, that’s a hard question to answer” well as much as god loves us as far as the east is to west, he answered those prayers and I could get back up and continue fighting and conquer ground I lost.

I knew that god loved me and cared for me so much. I believed he was for the relationship to work. so many people would say to me” that she is not for me and I’m too good for her or it would be her loss if she didn’t end up with me. I wouldn’t try to  listen to them or my family cause I believe in true love, faith and seemed God was on my side or I was following his plan. Well here we are; it felt like I  was running out of positive assurance and those negative thoughts started to creep back in and they wouldn’t go away. I was depressed and she was depressed and under lot of stress (struggling with rent, having to move back in with parents and no job) and we stopped going out as well I believe it’s been a month and a half.

I then began to watch porn cause I felt lonely and got back into smoking weed (weed had to do with the depression 60% and relationship 20% and work 20%) then Saturday came along and my intention was to talk to her and tell her that I felt like a burden past couple of weeks, and I didn’t like who I had become and I might be living on my own in a short while and of course how lonely I felt. we talked for a while. she was very supportive to the moving situation, shocked at the burden statement, she then replied “I think its time I work on my self (now she is a very honest person, that’s what I liked about her, but when it comes to relationships I have a hard time believing what’s been said cause I feel like I don’t know her feelings as much as she knows mine) she explained she wasn’t quite sure about the whole dating thing to begin with she was testing the waters and said she’s not very good with that sort of stuff. So I told her “if time is what you need then I’ll wait” at that moment I started to cry cause I thought WAIT!!!! DOES THIS MEAN I CAN’T SEE HER? she replied “Of course not. I don’t see why not. We’ll still talk.”

I love her with all my heart, I don’t want it to end, I don’t want to be just friends man. God knows I willing to change pretty much anything to win her back, before god let me know I should do this I felt him help me remember a song by Brian White (God gave me you) that I haven’t heard in 2 yrs. I hope you gather from this long story of things to not do, don’t smoke weed, porn, listen to the lies Satan says, don’t be afraid to let them show you true colors, true colors are beautiful and most of all before you have any talk with somebody let them know your intentions before you have a talk. Please pray for me, to be a better man for her, to be there for her and bring us closer together and to him, help us open our hearts to one other, trust each other and lean on god and have him be the center of our life. please god I can’t express it enough, I just don’t see me with any other fish in the sea, besides her. God gave me you, to show me whats real, there is more to life, than just how I feel, and all that I am worth, is right before my eyes. God gave me you.