This is the first time I have written my testimony; I feel called to tonight described how God has changed everything and brought me into a life of freedom and sanity. Now is the time to declare and share how we have each been rescued from the ‘watery grave’ and the miracle of our new lives. This generation is facing a major attack and we must be on the front line and ready to heal all around us by His Spirit.
At the age of thirteen I met my first believers and while writing a short story about the crucifixion had a life changing experience that left me committed to following God completely. I left my home in England and went to live with a Christian family in America and then a boarding school.
It was time of growth and deep faith during my teenage years, I was kept away from all the usual peer pressure and felt I was the path to becoming a true man of faith. But inside I was keeping a secret, I was experiencing strong homosexual feelings, it was like leading a double life inside and somewhere along the way I stopped praying for help and began to quietly give into my desires, I lost the strength and commitment I had felt and began to feel frustrated so returned to Europe and my secular background to explore the homosexual life, I gradually lost contact with my spiritual past and became a ‘contented’ gay man living in London.
I was young, attractive, well-travelled and a great job, I felt complete. But gradually over the years the excitement dimmed, I fell in love with a Muslim man and spent years hoping, praying and trying to create a secure relationship with him. I wanted nothing else for a long time and when I finally realised it was never going to be possible because of both his beliefs and denial, something in me caved in, I lost all feelings of self-respect and confidence. I reasoned why should attempt to be ‘good’ when I was being refused the one desire of my heart.
My best friend at the time was seriously hedonistic Â and with him I entered a life of debauchery, hard drug use and casual relationships, at the same time I lost my job and then house because I couldn’t pay the bills. I camped at friends’ houses or found men to stay with, life became this struggle to survive, I refused to ask my family for help, and I started to feel at home with this existence, all I really cared about was the next high, the next escape, my reality was so warped.
One morning this best friend and I were recovering after one of our 30-hour benders and he started to suddenly tell me that he had a wonderful solution for our financial problems, he had in the past he said to my amazement done male escort work and wanted to start again. I was shocked because like me, he was an educated guy from a ‘nice’ family, and I just hadn’t imagined it possible. He said he had a contact I should meet and just to try it out.
At the time I was so in thrall to him, and to the idea of any easy way to be able to continue this lifestyle that I went along with it. I was asked to come and meet a South African man, very handsome and clean cut, not at all what I expected. We sat in his beautiful apartment, and he told me It was only a service to help lonely professional men who wanted someone attractive and fun to take out to dinner and amuse them, nothing serious was expected and I completely set the limits.
I agreed to this as long as I felt in charge, and he called two days later to go to Paris with another guy. The ‘other guy’ never materialised and I ended up in a hotel with a very famous film director. It was a positive start that quietened the last of my doubts and I agreed to see another client. It is very hard for me to write this and admit that I was capable of performing such a deed, but I was a very lost boy, and this offered me a chance to feel adored and accepted and very easy money to finance the highs to escape my misery.
I became friends with a couple of other guys involved and was impressed by their seeming glamour and professionalism. In my deep heart though I knew it wasnt for me, I couldn’t follow them down that road and after my third client I decided to break the link with the agency. I stayed close platonic friends with one of the organisers though, he had a ready supply of drugs and was great company and praised and flattered me. I ended up cleaning the corporate apartments he rented out and one evening walked into a church and bursting into tears realised again the reality of God and His overwhelming love for me. I am afraid I continued using drugs but something in me started to grow, I began to pray and feel maybe I was called for something else.
I also began to realise I was in the snare of this man and his attentions began to grow obsessive, when I finally told him I needed a break and not to contact me for a while, something in him snapped and he began to persecute me in a way I could never have imagined, he would call my phone hundreds of times in one day and send me horrific, abusive messages, emails and even to the new workplace I had just started in.
I felt utterly trapped, I was terrified he would exact revenge by telling my family and friends of what I had been involved in in the past, that fear kept me bound to him for a long time, and he knew it. His voice spoke inside me constantly, threatening me. He would call me each night after a bottle of whisky and tell me what a filthy person I was and that I deserved pain and punishment. And I let him do it, learning to use my most soothing voice to pacify him until he would cry and fall asleep.
I finally confessed it all to my close friend, he was horrified and urged me to go to police. I felt I couldn’t. I was too scared, this man was ex-military, and I knew he was capable of even killing me.
One night I finally snapped, and I realised I would hurt myself before he did. In my bedroom I began to slice my arm open with razorblades, the blood that poured out was a huge release of my pain and fear, I felt I had found an answer. I took a carving knife and began to saw at my arm, as I began to black out something stopped me, I knew I couldn’t go further, I wrapped myself up and took a taxi to the hospital. They assumed I was a drug addict and treated me with no great kindness.
My mum came to London, and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Being there was the single most terrifying experience of my life, more than anything else I had experienced. The feeling of darkness and evil was so strong in that place, and I knew if I was committed, I would certainly go insane. I had physical fits and developed a tic that jerked my upper body constantly with strange noises from my mouth.
I was in a living hell, and I felt I had brought it all on myself and punishment was my only due. Something inside me told me I had to save myself now and turn back. By a superhuman force I managed to control all my physical issues long enough to convince the authorities to release me into my mother’s care.
This was the beginning of hope. In the next few months, God began to reach down to me, He wiped my tears as they fell and made me feel His love wrapped around me. I re-rededicated my life to Him. I began to attend a prayer meeting and seek His Spirit and healing that ONLY He brings.
That was a year ago. I am now utterly committed to living in the Spirit and by Faith. I have one desire now, to reach out to all those around me who have not discovered the reality of Gods Kingdom here on earth, to influence anyone who is in a similar position that I was that there IS another way, a highway of holiness is there, and we are free to begin our walk on it in Â complete freedom from shame, fear and uncertainty.
Who shall see God? he who has clean hands and a pure heart… we can’t have either of things through our own effort, its only by asking Him to bring us to His Heart. Â He can cleanse us of ANYTHING and we can live in hope, from utter darkness into the joy of joys.