I wished I had never been born. The fat kid who did not fit in. The biggest in class with the biggest broken heart. A heart that hid behind laughter and acted like nothing bothered me.
Inside I was crushed beyond words. I could not wait to get home to my best friend, food. My mother and father wished I had never been born too. They both went on to live their own lives leaving me with my very abusive brother and with my grandparents.
I was pretty much free to do what I wanted. They seldom cared where I was and being poor there were no frills in my life. The best thing that happened to me in my young mind was that I got a job at the local horse farm when I was 10. I lived at that farm and spent many days just hanging out there alone never feeling 100% welcome. I was a hired hand wishing I was part of their family.
That summer I was seduced by an 18-year-old boy. We were to play strip poker in a field right behind where my grandfather was working. Instead, he forced himself on me and raped me. I was silenced. He told me I had to keep it a secret or I would get in trouble.
No one ever taught me about rape. I was 10. I was terrified that I was the one who did something wrong. The physical pain was bad, but the internal deep shame has never left me. I thought that I had buried it deep down but to this day it is still there buried so deep only Jesus can heal it now.
My puberty started early and the heavier I got the more developed I became the more I hated it. Yet because I was heavy, with tons of acne, I was always treated like I was invisible at school. I had few friends there. My own brother denied knowing me or that I was his sister, even on the bus.
Summer came and I began hanging out more and more with a friend down the street. I started going swimming at the lake with her entire family. Then I got to go on a few overnight camping trips with them too. Many times, I would spend the night at their house.
Over time my friend’s father, who I saw as a father figure, began molesting me. The molesting moved to rape at a family camping trip with his wife and four children not far away. He and I went out on the boat alone.
After it was over, I remember sitting in the tent in shock afraid to move unable to speak. One of the younger kids got me back in the water again where the father was still molesting me under the water.
How was I going to face this family that I cared so much about anymore? How could I act normal ever again around his wife? I never told. 1 was 11.
That same summer another friend took me to a Revival at her church. Inside I felt so full of shame I could hardly stand to be in that church or with her and her mother. No one had any idea. I never told a soul what had happened. In my mind it was my fault that my friend’s father had sex with me.
During that revival a man spoke of all the bad things he had done. The drugs and prison. How Jesus loved him no matter what he had done. How Jesus saved his life. The love of Christ shown through this man and his worship leader.
We went almost every night they were there. Finally, I belonged somewhere. With people who had sinned like me. I went up and accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I learned John 3:16. I was still 11.
Not long after that I was baptized. No one from my family came. Even my friend’s mother did not come sit with me afterwards. I just sat in that pew all alone with God (like Simon Birch).
A white light shown in front of me that day and I cannot put into words the sensations I experienced. I was in love with Jesus until I got home to the fighting. No one cared there. Psalm 27:10 When your mother and father forsake you then The Lord will take you up.
Not long after I was baptized, my mother, an atheist, decided she wanted a family again. What a nightmare that season of my life was. I will not go into detail, but I almost died, and my brother physically and mentally abused me terribly.
In a few years I was back with my grandparents and sadly my soul had been crushed so much that my interest in church was gone. I had been beaten down. The best part was that I was back at the horse farm working and doing my best to survive and to be good.
The Lord was constantly putting Christians in my life, but I just did not know it. One of my best friends was a preacher’s son. The owner of the horse farm took me to church. Many others were put there for me and I had no clue until much later in life.
To condense, by the time I was 16 I was convinced that I was born to be a man. By the age of 17 I had a heterosexual girlfriend who believed in me and wanted to support me in becoming a man. By the time I was 18 I was taking male hormones and seeing a psychiatrist who was convinced I was born to be a male.
After 10 years of living a wild life, Jesus sent my best friend to me, and he was in love with a Christian Rock Band named Stryper. He wanted me to go and bought my ticket, so I went with him to see them. I liked them too and got the album.
All of the sudden I had a Billy Graham and Foundation for Christian Living Bible Study course and a Bible. I was fascinated with certain things about Jesus, so I no longer watched late night televangelists and laughed at them…I listened.
For over 10 years I had ignored my truth and the reality of how God created me. It hit me that He did create me. I used to use the Galatians verse about there being no more jews or greeks or male nor female. I wanted to believe God wanted me to be a man. But wait…God does not make mistakes.
Then I was taken down to nothing, miraculous events unfolded that I always believed no one would believe. One day I was at the lake alone on a cloudy day. I was crying my heart out saying,
“Jesus am I a man or a woman?”
I picked up my camera to take a picture of the lake and as I held the camera in my right eye a bright aberration or an angel or ??? was there before me and I snapped the camera. It is an unreal picture from 1988 before digital came out. You can see a face and hands. It is surreal.
That day began to change my life. Gradually over a few years I made the transition back to being the woman God created me to be. It took a while, as I am stubborn, but He never let go of that 11-year-old little girl in His heart He had saved and made her his.
Three years later, after becoming a woman again, I met my husband. We have now been together 14+ years. My husband came to know Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit for the first time just 4+ years ago. We gave our hearts and lives to Jesus in a brand new powerful way together then. We love Our Lord and look forward to our new life for Eternity in Heaven with Him.
Walking with Jesus is not the easy road. This world, our flesh and The devil are forces that only Jesus can battle. He did battle them on The Cross. We are washed and cleansed by His blood now. Guaranteed heirs of everything He possesses.
Jesus won! Let us hold fast to the liberty wherewith Christ has set us free and let us therefore be not entangled again in that yoke of bondage.