Have you ever felt like you found your soulmate and the love of your life? I have been lucky enough to experience this feeling.
It all began with my passion for learning foreign languages. When I was learning English in high school, I wanted to know it better than just from school textbooks, so I began to watch films in English, listen to songs in English and I also went on a kind of a language exchange website. Here I met a guy my age from England… We would chat all the time and I would write down the phrases he used and just loved having an authentic experience with the English language. We spent many months chatting and skyping and I felt really excited every time I talked to him. Then one day he decided to come over and visit me in Slovakia which is where I am from. I’m not a kind of a girl who would meet up with random people from the internet (I had never done it before) but with him it felt so different. He came over and we had an awesome week together and towards the end of the week we kissed for the first time. That’s how our journey began…
Since then we have experienced so much. Although we couldn’t be together all the time, as I was at university in Slovakia and he had a stable job in the UK, we still found a way to make it work. I would spend every summer in England and come for a week or two every now and then during my semester too. He would spend Christmas time with me and my family and also came over for a few weeks or days every time he could. We have done a lot of travelling and experienced so many adventures.
He is the best guy I have ever met — so loving, caring and understanding. I could call him at midnight and cry on the phone about the silliest worry and he was there to listen. He was the sweetest gentleman — he would never let me walk on the side of the pavement close to the road, he would bring me flowers for no reason, he would write me poems and make me DIY birthday cards. He was willing to learn my language to be able to speak to my family more properly, so he bought a textbook and would spend many evenings learning new vocabulary and grammar. He would always make so much effort for me. He showed me what love is. At the same time, he was my best friend.
But most importantly, he brought me closer to God. I was brought up as a Catholic, went to church every Sunday, but I believe his faith was more authentic. He gave me a scapular his late dad had given to him and it was the most beautiful gesture of love. He even told me that as a kid he wanted to be a priest but later realised he really wanted a family. I have seen him pray to Padre Pio, on his knees. He has always prayed for me and my family and always respected my view on things.
He is only 23 now and he has already been through so much in his life, especially during his childhood so I am so sorry that even during the relationship with me he had to suffer…for my selfishness and uncompromising attitude…for my pride. But PRIDE COMES BEFORE A FALL…and I have never understood the meaning of this quote more than I do now.
During the 5 years we spent together, I failed so many times.
I was always way too concerned about money… We would have arguments about him buying a car, buying an expensive phone etc etc etc. I will never understand how I could have acted this way. I didn’t give him the freedom he needed… Now I know that everyone should get whatever makes them happy. A few months before our breakup I would search for house prices and feel so worried that we wouldn’t be able to pay off a mortgage. And yeah, there is no “we” anymore. I realised we need to live in the present and not worry about the future too much, as only God knows what the future will bring. I was immature and complained so much. I wasn’t understanding at all…Many times I only saw my own view and struggled to understand his views, concerns and worries.
I was selfish…the year I was finishing uni I decided to spend my summer working in America. I was thinking that since my studies are finished and it was my last chance to get a work visa in America, me and my boyfriend can somehow get through the summer and after that we can be together forever.
ME, ME, ME ….that’s what I was focused on. My dreams to travel, my plans…Yes, I was very worried about not being with him in the summer, different time zones, not much time to speak so I suggested that he comes over to America at the end of the summer and we do some travelling together with our friends after I’m done working. So, he bought a flight to New York and we both got excited.
But…my 40 hours of work (as my contract said) turned into 60 or 70 hours a week. I had no time to speak to him except for the odd message in the morning and at night. And what did I do on my days off? I went on trips to so many places and had fun with my friends instead of spending the little time I had talking to my best friend. My best friend who must have struggled so much in the summer, but I was too busy to notice it…I was too busy to notice how much he was nervous about coming to America, about changing the plans for our road trip all the time, about the lack of organisation… I was so ignorant.
During the summer I was offered an internship in England for after I am back from America. It was very close to where he lives so I accepted it and was looking forward to spending so much time with my boyfriend again.
But God had different plans.
My boyfriend came to New York at the end of the summer and broke up with me. He said he hadn’t been happy for a long time and all I was capable of doing at that moment was crying and crying and crying. He bought a flight back and left…I never should have let him go. I ended up going on the road trip without him and it sucked so much. Because the more beautiful the places were, the more it all sucked as he wasn’t there to see it all.
But the thing was that during the trip I kept thinking that we both needed a bit of time to cool our emotions down as it all happened too impulsively. I really wanted to contact him, but I was also too proud…and PRIDE COMES BEFORE A FALL.
When I came home a week later, I decided to message him…I tried to contact him in so many ways but he didn’t reply and blocked me. My internship was supposed to start in 3 days, I was completely broken but there was no way back at that point. It was too late to cancel it and I had to go.
Now I know that’s exactly how it was supposed to happen.
I am in England, but without him…I am teaching Slovak here using the same textbook he did, but I am not teaching him. So close and yet so far.
One night, about a month after the breakup, I was travelling on the coach crying and thinking about my ex-boyfriend. As I was reaching for a tissue in my pocket, I found a rosary my mum must have put in there. I began to pray and the following morning I began to see things more clearly. I realised that God brought this situation into my life to open my eyes and to bring me closer to Him. Slowly every day I have been realising my failures. You only realise what you have when you lose it. Such a cliché but it could not be more true. Only then I began to gradually find peace of soul.
I have read a bunch of articles about people who had to hit rock bottom to realise things. And that is my case too. I am so grateful for this situation. My life was way too smooth — loving family, amazing boyfriend, a couple of good friends, finishing university with no problems…
I never realised how lucky I was…until now. I know I am supposed to be here on my own, away from family and friends. I know it was supposed to happen exactly at this time — straight after I finished university and was at a crossroads, because this is the best way to try to grow as a person, to try to forgive myself. This is God’s plan to fix me.
I am now so grateful for every little blessing God gives me every day. The other day I had a dream that me and my sister were ghosts, and my mum couldn’t hear us and we wanted to tell her so much, we wanted to say how much we love her, but she didn’t hear. I am grateful for my family, for every day I get to wake up, for my health, for a roof over my head…
When I first came home after the breakup and my sister saw me so upset, she thought something horrible happened to my boyfriend, that he died in a plane crash or some other accident. Now, the amazing thing is, he didn’t …so I am also grateful that he is okay. We are not together anymore but he is alive and trying to find happiness again. And I can only hope and pray for him to be happy.
I know God’s plan is to transform me and help me become a better person. And that is what I am focusing on right now. Every day I want to do something that will help me achieve this goal. I will pray and let God guide me and get me through this difficult period of my life. A good friend of mine told me that if God is in the first place, all the rest will be in its proper place 🙂
If you are reading this, please:
If you have someone you love, tell them and show them every single day.
Never be too proud to say sorry.
Be thankful, down to earth and humble.
Always be considerate of other people’s feelings.
Keep reminding yourself that relationship is also about giving, not just taking.
ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR HEART…
I am so grateful that God brought someone as unique as my ex-boyfriend to my life. I am praying for him to be happy and also praying for a miracle, as I believe that miracles do happen —- but only if that’s God’s will.