I am a Christian who has been living a life of homosexual sin. I come from a family of God-fearing people who would be extremely disappointed if they ever knew. I have been in an off and on relationship for the past 3 years. I am 27 years old, and I have been through my fair share of relationships, but I have never felt the love I have for this one individual. It has been amazing and filled with memories that will last forever. However, I have always had extreme guilt.
Sitting in church and hearing just the right song would have me in tears for the guilt of my sin. I always tried to justify it. “God, we love each other…God, we will serve you forever…etc.” But the guilt never left. I wasn’t able to get close to God because I knew there was a barrier that kept me from fully having a relationship with Him. I even had talks with my partner about how guilty I felt, and we both justified it by saying, “Everyone sins…no sin is worse than another…people cuss everyday with no intention of stopping and they aren’t going to hell…our sin isn’t worse than cussing…etc.” All the justifications never gave me a peaceful feeling.
My partner actually broke up with me last year and I was devastated, begged for a second chance, and get this…even prayed for God to bring the relationship back together. During the breakup I entered a heterosexual relationship that left me feeling even more empty because it wasn’t what I wanted, and I felt even more helpless. I prayed for God to make me enjoy the relationship…so that I could be free from heartbreak and homosexuality.
Needless to say, my ex and I got back together, and I was on top of the world again. Until I felt the guilt again, and even more so this time was the regret that one day I would not have the happy family that I have always dreamed of…marriage, children, dog, etc. I prayed to God to help me live out His will…and low and behold my ex broke up with me again 3 months after reconciling (definitely God working), stating it was for good this time and that we will both be better as just friends.
So now, here I am heartbroken…I have been throwing myself in the Word and reading how awful homosexuality is and that I am actually lucky that I was brought up well enough in the church to know right from wrong to establish a conscience. I have prayed for peace in my heart and for my relationship with God to replace the sinful relationship I had and to hold strong above all relationships.
Although I can feel God’s hand on me right now, it is still hard to deal with memories daily and how I miss my partner. I am not going to pursue the relationship again, and that is hard for me to do as well. Instead, I am focusing on leaning on God and letting His will be done in my life. I do know that it was love…a strong love, however unhealthy it may have been…and the idea of letting go of something so great in my mind is hard. Faith and Hope are what I will need to hold strong to and realize that God’s plan is in effect, and I should be overjoyed about it…but I can’t help but ache right now.
I guess what I need is advice and prayers on where to go from here. Also, I feel I should say that I am not one of those “in your face with my relationship” people. I don’t agree with same sex marriage and public display of affection never took place in my relationship. In fact, as strange as this may be…I am disgusted when I see same sex couples displaying public affection. I was simply a person in love with another person who happened to be same sex, and all the while wishing that one of us was the other gender. Please help. :/