I’ve always been raised in the house of the lord since birth. However, my relationship with the lord has been an intimate one for 1 year up until i went away for college. My deepest and most heart felt prayer was and is always that the lord never departs from me and for the lord to keep me nearer to him.
Today I dont feel the touch of God in my heart. As of today my thoughts of suicide have been surfaced. I feel like its easier to give up than to fight. God says that your battles and troubles mold you, give you character, and build perserverance. Your strength to get through what you’re going through is in what you you’ve been delivered from. But I have no strength for this. I dont know what to do. I dont know who to talk to. I dont have a shoulder to lean on and i dont know who i got herpes from.
I am rationalizing the idea of life in heaven being much easier than life on earth. I just want to die. I think back on the hard times in my life when I asked god to die before. Then I remember the good times after the fact when i thanked god that he didnt answer my prayer. But this time I cannot see the light.
I’m praying that god will have mercy on me because without it I am already dead. I feel like I am already in an eternal flame of fire, feeling every scortching blow, but I just cant die or numb the pain. I heard a sermon one day that said if you don’t humble yourself, God will humble you with much humility. I tried to beat him to it, but i guess i was too late.
Please pray for me. Pray that God convicts me in a way that he never has before.