The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
“Who is God to YOU?” I have been asked this a countless number of times in my life. I used to think that God was mythical and didn’t exist. I used to think that God was just for show. I used to think that the bible was just made up of lies. I changed my views on this completely. My name is Pauline and this is my story.
I am a sinner. In sixth grade, my best friend, Erika, invited me to church one day. I had never been to a church, prayed, or even opened a bible before so I didn’t know what to expect. I finally got to know who God is and I decided to go to church every week.
In seventh grade, I moved schools. It was a hard transition for me because all of my friends went to my old school and I loved my teachers there. I tried my best to be happy and to do good in school, but I couldn’t. I was bullied for being overweight. I was called fat every day, I was made fun of, and I was called horrible things. I stopped going to church because I didn’t see a point in going if God wasn’t going to help me.
In eighth grade, life got hard. In the beginning of the year, I was depressed. I was sad all of the time, I lacked energy, and at a certain point, I had suicidal thoughts. I self-harmed my body. I cut my arms. I didn’t let anyone know, but as soon as I got home from school every day, I would cry into my pillow until I couldn’t handle it anymore and I cut.
Erika finally noticed that I wasn’t fine anymore and that I had a hard time adjusting, so she got me to go to church again. On November 13th, 2013, I made the life-changing decision to get saved. I was finally a part of God’s kingdom and I finally realized that I should never lose my faith in God. This didn’t last long…
On November 26th, 2013, my Opa (grandpa) passed away. This was the hardest thing to deal with because he died a week before he was supposed to come visit. I only saw my Opa once a year, so when I got to see him, I treasured every second with him. He was battling different kinds of cancers for years so I knew that the time was going to come soon, but I didn’t think it would be so soon. I lost my faith in God and I hated him for taking my Opa away from me. I hated him for putting me through this and I hated him for not letting me say goodbye.
In ninth grade, I let popularity get the best of me. It was hard starting high school and being at the bottom of the food chain- so I was willing to do anything to fit in with the “it crowd”. A lot of boys started snapchatting me out of the blue and asking me for nudes. I knew it was wrong to do, but I sent them anyways. I sent them to a couple guys not thinking about what could happen.
One day, a guy I had sent some to before kept asking me for more and more but I finally said no. He didn’t like this, and decided to send out my pictures to the entire high school. This was it for me because I had just become the laughing stock of the whole school and didn’t have any friends anymore because people thought I was trashy and had no class. I was in a hole too deep to crawl out of and didn’t see any hope in trying anymore…
My best friend Erika helped me get through this dark time. She called me and texted me every day and told me it would be okay. I finally got the nerve to text my small group leader and tell her what happened and talk to her. I told her that I wanted God’s love again but after what I did, I would never get it back. She helped me realize that God’s love is always going to be with me, and he will always forgive me for my sins no matter what. She told me to admit of my sins and to repent of them before God. No matter how many times I fall down and the amount of times I lose my faith, God is always there to protect me and help me get back on my feet.
Today I am a daughter of the King. God is always with me and always before me. I fear nothing because I am His. So many people in my life taught me to never be afraid to show my love for God. Although I don’t read the bible every night before bed and although I don’t make it to church every Wednesday and Sunday, I am always with Him and He is always with me.
I still deal with depression every now and then and sometimes I feel hopeless, but I know I can’t give up. I will never give up on God because He is my savior and if it wasn’t for his everlasting love and for the support I have, I may not be the person I am today–let alone, I may not even be here. I have invited God to live through me, and it is the best decision I have ever made.
I am a sinner, and this is my story.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.