Overcoming my Fear

I am a young aspiring lecturer and currently a teacher. I gave my life to children since the age of 19 to all ages. I have touched so many children lives’s and i am just 25 years old. I am sure you might be wondering what is my problem. Growing up I had an emotional past. My mother was a prostitute and died  of HIV Aids. We never had an intimate relationship and I have never seen my dad. I will believe that he was one of her clients. As a young person no one told me and I put all the pieces together. I was always the kind of person to be quiet, obedient and never let anything bother me. I buried it deeply and went on with life. I was always close to the Lord and I desperately wanted to make a difference in kids lives. The emotional pain started around the age of twenty two. I became depressed cried alone in secret places and I was silently angry. I realised that I blamed my mother for my life and I was ashamed to tell anyone about what she really died from. I was her only child  and  i ran away from  grandparents at the age of 14 because I hated it there. I went to stay later on with my mother’s friend and kids.  As a young adult I had trouble with men and kept things locked inside. No one knew what I kept inside. It seems as if the past kept playing a tune in my life and I could not go on. Now fear is in my life and I cant let go of it. Last six mths a bad memory came back into my life. I remembered when  was eleven i was going through the pain and hurt of losing my mom and i was a child still. I remembered playing with my little cousin who was about three or four, I cant even remember. I knew nothing about sex or dirty behaviours and I had the mind of a child but yet still  I took his genitals and put it  close to mind then put it back. I remember last year when this memory hit me I crashed, cried went in total fright and shock and I lost all hope. I blamed myself and grew guilt and shame. How could I? I am a teacher and I loved kids. This nightmare played in my head for months and I grew anxious nervous and depression. I had just became engaged and I was afraid to tell my fiancé or anyone because  I was scared of people accusing me of being a pervert. Satan used fear and drove it in me like a car but I never lost hope. I have finally told my fiancé and he looked at me and said ” It’s okay. God has forgiven you and he has put you in charge of kids. You are a great teacher” Although his words helped I needed to find it in  me to stop the fear and forgive myself. I have now fallen into special education major (bachelor of education) and i don’t know how I ended up there but God is the captain of my ship. I am getting married in two weeks but i still feel the guilt and fear seeping in me very often. I need to be free and i am tired battling with myself.  This is the first time that i am telling my story. I need my past to float away and my fears to go away but God is good. I will not stop loving kids or doing my mission. For anyone out there who can relate to my story please feel free to write back.

6 Comments

  1. Zoe_Selah 5/11/2012
  2. Alexis 5/13/2012
  3. Sarafina 5/14/2012
  4. martureo 5/29/2012
  5. Mary 6/17/2012
  6. TMM 6/29/2012

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