I am a young aspiring lecturer and currently a teacher. I gave my life to children since the age of 19 to all ages. I have touched so many children lives, and I am just 25 years old. I am sure you might be wondering what my problem is. Growing up I had an emotional past. My mother was a prostitute and died of HIV Aids. We never had an intimate relationship and I have never seen my dad. I will believe that he was one of her clients.
As a young person no one told me, and I put all the pieces together. I was always the kind of person to be quiet, obedient and never let anything bother me. I buried it deeply and went on with life. I was always close to the Lord, and I desperately wanted to make a difference in kids’ lives. The emotional pain started around the age of twenty-two. I became depressed cried alone in secret places and I was silently angry. I realised that I blamed my mother for my life, and I was ashamed to tell anyone about what she really died from. I was her only child, and I ran away from grandparents at the age of 14 because I hated it there. I went to stay later on with my mother’s friend and kids.
As a young adult I had trouble with men and kept things locked inside. No one knew what I kept inside. It seems as if the past kept playing a tune in my life and I could not go on. Now fear is in my life, and I can’t let go of it. Last six mths a bad memory came back into my life. I remembered when was eleven i was going through the pain and hurt of losing my mom and i was a child still. I remembered playing with my little cousin who was about three or four, I can’t even remember. I knew nothing about sex or dirty behaviours and I had the mind of a child but yet still I took his genitals and put it close to mine then put it back.
I remember last year when this memory hit me, I crashed, cried went in total fright and shock and I lost all hope. I blamed myself and grew guilt and shame. How could I? I am a teacher and I loved kids. This nightmare played in my head for months and I grew anxious nervous and depression. I had just become engaged, and I was afraid to tell my fiancé or anyone because I was scared of people accusing me of being a pervert. Satan used fear and drove it in me like a car, but I never lost hope.
I have finally told my fiancé and he looked at me and said,
“It’s okay. God has forgiven you and he has put you in charge of kids. You are a great teacher.”
Although his words helped, I needed to find it in me to stop the fear and forgive myself. I have now fallen into special education major (Bachelor of Education) and I don’t know how I ended up there but God is the captain of my ship. I am getting married in two weeks but I still feel the guilt and fear seeping in me very often. I need to be free and i am tired battling with myself.
This is the first time that I am telling my story. I need my past to float away and my fears to go away but God is good. I will not stop loving kids or doing my mission. For anyone out there who can relate to my story please feel free to write back.