I am a young aspiring lecturer and currently a teacher. I gave my life to children since the age of 19 to all ages. I have touched so many children lives, and I am just 25 years old. I am sure you might be wondering what my problem is. Growing up I had an emotional past. My mother was a prostitute and died of HIV Aids. We never had an intimate relationship and I have never seen my dad. I will believe that he was one of her clients.
As a young person no one told me, and I put all the pieces together. I was always the kind of person to be quiet, obedient and never let anything bother me. I buried it deeply and went on with life. I was always close to the Lord, and I desperately wanted to make a difference in kids’ lives. The emotional pain started around the age of twenty-two. I became depressed cried alone in secret places and I was silently angry. I realised that I blamed my mother for my life, and I was ashamed to tell anyone about what she really died from. I was her only child, and I ran away from grandparents at the age of 14 because I hated it there. I went to stay later on with my mother’s friend and kids.
As a young adult I had trouble with men and kept things locked inside. No one knew what I kept inside. It seems as if the past kept playing a tune in my life and I could not go on. Now fear is in my life, and I can’t let go of it. Last six mths a bad memory came back into my life. I remembered when was eleven i was going through the pain and hurt of losing my mom and i was a child still. I remembered playing with my little cousin who was about three or four, I can’t even remember. I knew nothing about sex or dirty behaviours and I had the mind of a child but yet still I took his genitals and put it close to mine then put it back.
I remember last year when this memory hit me, I crashed, cried went in total fright and shock and I lost all hope. I blamed myself and grew guilt and shame. How could I? I am a teacher and I loved kids. This nightmare played in my head for months and I grew anxious nervous and depression. I had just become engaged, and I was afraid to tell my fiancé or anyone because I was scared of people accusing me of being a pervert. Satan used fear and drove it in me like a car, but I never lost hope.
I have finally told my fiancé and he looked at me and said,
“It’s okay. God has forgiven you and he has put you in charge of kids. You are a great teacher.”
Although his words helped, I needed to find it in me to stop the fear and forgive myself. I have now fallen into special education major (Bachelor of Education) and I don’t know how I ended up there but God is the captain of my ship. I am getting married in two weeks but I still feel the guilt and fear seeping in me very often. I need to be free and i am tired battling with myself.
This is the first time that I am telling my story. I need my past to float away and my fears to go away but God is good. I will not stop loving kids or doing my mission. For anyone out there who can relate to my story please feel free to write back.
Perfect Love which is the Love of God casts out fear. Read your Bible, pray more, believe God’s Word is written to you and I’m sure you will come out victorious on the other side. I also struggled with fear, believe me, it’s only Love that can cast that out. If you ever need a friend to talk to, I can give you my email address. God bless. Zoe.
Psalm 34:4 says “I sought the Lord and he answered me, and delivered me from all m fears.” You must remember that God loves us all, we can not earn his love. God says that his word will not return void, but will do what he wanted. When you get those feelings and hear the voices that are not of the lord, quote scripture. God is love, God loves you no matter what. You didn’t know any better. You can’t do anything to earn God’s love and there’s nothing you can do or could have done to make God love you any less. You did what it was that you saw around you. We’ve all done things in the past that we are not proud of, not one of us is perfect, and you remember that. God came to heal the broken. Stay strong in your faith and meditate on Gods good word, it will not return void.
I agree with Alexis!!!
I remember having done similar things between the age 0f 9-12 and I am also working with children. I cant bare to look back and last year I got into worse stuff (more to me than others). But because of what Jesus did at the cross I dont have to look back. I have been realesed from all of that. And so have you!!!
Everytime you feel scared or even the tinest bit condemed, dont dwell on it, instead declare the truth that because of Jesus, God, declares you holy, blameless and above repproach.
God loves and has set you free, be blessed.
Your sister in Christ, Sarafina xox
Thanks, loved the message.
“casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” 1 Pet 5:7
Could we talk by email? I have been through some experiences like yours. if you need a listener, send me an email:
holylove[at]sohu[dot]com
The spirit of fear is from the devil. God and Jesus Christ has given all men the power through him to ‘cast out demons’ on our own. We BIND, LOOSE and COMMAND the spirits that are tormenting us to be CAST OUT in the name of Jesus Christ. God has already given you this ability, he wants you to use it. Also, breakdown all stronholds that satan will use to revisit this weakness. Be faithful and believe that God waiting for you to take your authority over the circumstances in your life. God bless.