It’s hard to believe that I have made it fifty four years on this planet called Earth. The day I was born was a miracle and a disaster. I was born a month early, weighing in at 4 pounds, a miracle; the disaster the doctor didn’t know how to do C-sections, he blotched the surgery and my life. Cursed from the beginning, at least I felt cursed. My mom blamed me that when she kept having kids, (which I love my mom and my sisters), that it was my fault she had to have more C-sections.
I was born into a military family, a dad who expected perfection. In my mind, I saw my dad and mom as perfect. They never were wrong and we kids better get it right. When I was in my teens, I was rejected because when someone harms you, and than harms you again because they don’t want you to tell, they sent you away. My dad, because my step mom, was more important than me-“You will grow up and move on, and I have the rest of my life to live”, my mom and my step dad, who tried to show me what “love” is and then abuse you more, handcuffs, a bull whip and a door; good-bye You are no longer loved.
My life a life like any other; the good, the bad, and the ugly, but some us emotionally are scarred and you want, you desire to be accepted even if you are abused even more. As I look back on my life, I had very few if any true friends. A loner, me and me alone-I hid in my books where I could be the hero, or relate to the loser. My oral communication skills are lacking, but I do enjoy writing, time to think, time to make it right; keep my mouth shut, then nothing rotten and stinking comes out; no one is hurt, but me and me as the world has told me, is this me doesn’t count.
But I have now come to realize that this me does count. About a year ago, my oldest daughter invited me to go to a conference with Priscilla Shirer as the speaker, after wards, I sat outside along side the van that the church took us in. I talked to Jesus, I said, “Jesus you know that the last three years of my life, I have lived in the “pits of Hell”, if I come back to you, I want to give you 100 percent of my life” Looking back; I realize, that even when my husband was sent to prison, my youngest child, a teen, runs away; trying to run from her pain, and my grandson in foster care. What a month, that sent me in a tornado of depression that lasted three years.
God, was there. He knows, the beginning, the middle and the end. I didn’t. I walked away from my past life, my way of life. I went through my desert, looking for the Truth. I looked in many different beliefs, I kept seeing Jesus, I saw similar ideas as God’s word, but they weren’t freeing, they were deceiving, and my eyes and ears believed the untruth. I praise Jesus, He came, He set me free, He gave me a rose, colored diamond heart. I had to walk away so that I could lay down my life at His feet. He picked me up and held me, He loves me” a person who was rejected” now I am accepted. My heart sings with praises to the most Holy God.
Even when my past haunts me, Jesus puts people in my path, that love and pray for me. They accept me because, Jesus accepts them. I am a miracle, but not a disaster. This last year, demons and Satan himself, have visited my dreams: prayer, calling on Jesus and laying on hands” by Jesus authority, they are gone no longer are they welcomed in my life. “Jesus hold me tight, never let me go”. A divorce that freed my kids and me, from a very controlling lifestyle–“Do what I say or else”, no friends, alone in a world filled with other lonely souls.
My youngest daughter, three years in a secured treatment center. Hate toward me, love toward her. This love and trust, saved her life. She over dosed on pills, Jesus woke her up and she trusted me to help her. Me, call my mom; all she was worried about is, “What would the neighbors and my next step dad think.” Jesus must want me for something, because when you put a gun in your mouth, you expect to die, not have angels jam the gun. The nurse told me, that if my daughter would not of called me, she would have died within the hour. Green bile spewing from her mouth” “I love you, I understand.” I could think. My heart yelled with praise to Jesus, He saved my daughter !! He saved my little, hurting girl!! Jesus held her tight!! Jesus held me tight !! I was at peace, Jesus was there.
Next, I did a 21 Daniel Fast through the church, Satan attacked me good, but Jesus trumps, He is an awesome Savior. I was so sick that not even water stayed down for several days. I almost lost my job, I just kept saying, “Jesus knows the beginning, the middle, and the end”. The Friday before the fast was to end, I was wiped out, totally empty, nothing left” physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually “for six hours not 3 months” Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus!
I went back to work, that Monday and things were going good. I thought, this must be the answer .Little did I know, I was in the hallway. I was called into director’s office, “Oh, what now” Praise Jesus!, He opened a door. I was moved to a school kitchen, were I was to be the Lead person. Going to the new kitchen was like a heavy burden rolled off my back. All I could tell my kids is I’m so happy, I am so happy. I know the other kitchen staff, I have worked with all of them. The kitchen is small and quiet, no gossip, no anger, just quiet, A healthy, peaceful work stress.
I’m now in my life asking, “What now?” I hear be patient, “Your story, will help others come to Me, I will open doors, give you words, I will hold you tight. I place myself, my children, the world at His feet. Yes, He does know the beginning, the middle, and the end.
My past is being healed, things, feelings, hurts are coming to surface, through God’s Helpers, my friends, yes friends, I am learning to trust others and know that Jesus sets me free. Come, see what He can do for you, you won’t be disappointed. He has big arms and will hold you tight. It’s a feeling so wonderful, it’s beyond my words, it’s a Peace like no other peace, a Love like no other love. Come, He is calling you, He know your name and your life, yet He will accept you and help change you into a “Praise God all the time” person, too.