I was hopeless, searching for my saving grace. Everything seemed alright on the outside; nice friends, good education, loving family. I grew up with a twin brother and 2 sisters near my age. My brother and I had the same friends; we did everything together. Despite having close friends, I felt disconnected, different from them. I envied the popular kids in high school; the ones who know good music, are in a band, on the basketball team, and got along with everybody. I was content with the friends I had, yet not secure enough to venture out and meet new people. I was a lonely vessel, aimlessly cast away into a world of deception.
As a teenager, I looked to all sorts of worldly things for happiness; I used greed to fill these bursts of “fulfillment”. Early on, buying movies was the early seed of that greed. It was a vicious cycle of buying and buying, but never sustaining happiness or anything. I accumulated well over 100 movies. On days where I wanted more, I turned to popular musicians; music then became my escape from my unsatisfying life. I put musicians on such a pedestal that even they, these ordinary people, could just not live up to. Musicians, athletes, actors. These were the gods I worshipped.
During the last year of high school, my greedy obsession shifted from movies and music to something more concrete. I needed a higher satisfaction that movies and music could not offer; people.
People I just met became the center of my dull life. They would be in my life one moment and out of my life the next. I frantically went from one person to the next, putting more hope in each person. “This is person who will turn my life around!”, or “Her and I will become best friends and hopefully be married one day! I really think she’s the one!” I can’t remember how many times I had that thought. There were few instances where I would dream about dating a girl I crushed on in high school – one I never talked to. I became so convinced that we were meant to be that I actually drove past her house multiple times, dreaming and admiring from afar. I was living in a fantasy land and it was unhealthy.
Over the course of a few months I used one person, a female, in particular ways so daunting that I never speak of them, and shutter at the mere thought of them. They are so filthy and horrific that I consider them part of another life. I was a pathetic, senseless loser, no doubt about it. Why was life so average? So unfulfilling?
Empty friendships. Deadly addictions. That was high school and high school was over, but the worst was just on the horizon; college. College was looming and all these people I put so much hope and time into over the past year didn’t fulfill in my greedy eyes; I quickly became a lost ship at sea. Despite not knowing what school I was attending, college was all I had, so very quickly, like everything else, it became where I put all my hope into; my LIFE into.
I longed for happiness. But I didn’t know what true happiness was. I just knew I wanted it; I wanted destiny.
That summer before college I had a list of schools in particular states far away from “home” where I could see myself attending. If I didn’t get my way with my parents, they would have Hell to pay. Anger began to rage inside me like demons ready to snatch me at any second, waiting for me to give in to these insatiable, deadly desires. My anger got so severe that it got to the point where I actually enjoyed yelling at my family.. fist fights with my father and brother; I was a loose cannon that loved to be set off. I needed to stand for SOMETHING, no matter how thin the matter may have been. This disease had consumed me, consumed me to the point of sadistically craving it, only I was too scared to admit to my personal demons. If I didn’t get my way, smashing my skull against the wall was my response, followed by screaming at my mother while I violently flung my body onto the ground, all at the age of 19. I was a slave to my anger. I remember a time back in high school when my brother painfully yelled at me, calling me the Devil. I was so caught up in my world, feeding my empty, erratic desires. A black and gray world of anger, lust, hatred, greed, and selfishness.
After finally arriving, and spending just two weeks at college, I made the exact same type of friends I had in high school; I stuck with what was comfortable. I was STILL afraid of being myself and making friends that were like me, even if I didn’t know who I was. I began crying my eyes out. Why was I so weak, so aimless? Who am I? My final chance at new life, and just like everything else I tried, had not been as great as I planned it out to be. Deep down, something was missing, a void in my heart. Possessions, people, college; despite having great opportunities, my greedy heart was NEVEr satisfied. I tried everything; I didn’t know where to look for fulfillment. However, as I walked back to my dorm on a late september night, with all my emptiness and hopelessness, something happened to me. Something REAL. Whether I was ready or not, it was thrust upon me. For the first time, I felt Alive.
Anger, hatred, and lust became washed away. I felt true peace. I felt Hope.
What had happened to me? It couldn’t have been any person who changed my life this dramatically, and it couldn’t have been god. God was the last person I wanted in my life. No one controls me, I was the master of my own destiny! However in that moment I had the experience of a lifetime, the best feeling I could truly ever get. I didn’t know how to react, but I did know that something true and substantial had changed inside me. Supreme love and peace overtook my body, and this feeling was stirring throughout my spirit unrelentingly; That’s the only way I can describe it. I felt like a completely different person; I felt reborn.
I no longer desired those filthy addictions or sins that I once lived for. I didn’t need anger, possessions or lustful, selfish desires. Without warning, I finally became all that I dreamed of; A man of passion. A man of ever-increasing love. A truly fearless man of Destiny. I was a brand new human being with true purpose. I felt as free as an eagle. God truly changed me; He then became my foundation for my life.
I turned from a lost boy to a free man in literally an instant! It was a miracle! I was so astounded that I did research and it turns out literally billions of people have experienced this so-called miracle! From someone who rejected God his whole life, I am not ashamed to say that God injected new life into me and saved me from my own filthy sins and gave me eternal life; my home is in Heaven – where I will live forever, not Earth. It has been a year and a half since then, and I have grown more in those months than I have throughout my entire 19 years of living up until that point! You don’t have to change who you are to come to God. You don’t have to follow some religious scams to follow God, all you have to do is be honest and willing, and let Him take you on the journey of a lifetime. Living this life isn’t all glamour; in fact it’s pretty much the opposite. Living this life involves developing a warrior mentality, to battle resistance and personal demons. This world is a thorn with many distractions, and staying true to Gods desires for you; His plan for you, can get tough.
God wants to take you as you are, no matter what you have done, no matter who you are, God can take your emptiness, pain, and fear away. Living for God and Jesus has nothing to do with religion. Religion is societies response to what Jesus did. They give us these manmade rules to follow to make us feel like we are being Christians, when nothing could be further than the truth, the truth of Jesus. It is about living a fearless life devoted to your personal Savior. It is about not conforming to the system of this world, but the one taking place in Heaven, and truly understanding your priorities and purpose in life.
I truly believe that we are born with this void in our hearts, a void that only the Creator of the universe can fill. People try to find love and hope through so many entities like money, possessions, careers, people, drugs, but at the end of the day all will leave you feeling empty, wanting more; only Jesus can restore your empty soul. Jesus has now become the cornerstone of my life, and He always lifts me up when I’m feeling down or discouraged. He has greatly simplified and intensified my life, showing me what few things matter in this life. Jesus has brought me to the life I have always dreamed about. He has showed me to live life fearlessly, passionately, and in humility with love, and with faith that I am living out Gods calling for me.
We are all filthy people, born in need of a true, living Savior, a Savior that is alive today and prepared to bring you to the life you were made for. A life of love, passion, and purpose.
Thanks So Much For Reading!
(feel free to email me at peaceloved00d2[at]yahoo.com :)