No Life at All

When I was little I had Christian parents who would make me go to church and I used to pray the “Lay me down to sleep prayer” followed by giving the Lord kisses.

Then middle school came around. I was always bullied for being different for looking different with my bowl-cut bangs and my hammy-downs. Not even my friends would sit with me on the bus. I wanted to fit in so much.

Then I had my first boyfriend. I was a hormonal mess back then. I lost my virginity when I was 14.

Throughout high school I was always sick and in the hospital. When I was in school all I cared about was fitting in and boys. I was desperate for any kind of attention.

I ended up dating this boy who was in the army. He would take me to his youth group and I ended up loving it. We would go to church camp, do plays, have Wednesday night meetings. I felt at home there. I wanted my youth pastor to baptize me, but he ended up moving to Uganda for a mission. I stopped going and my boyfriend started abusing me.

I found out he was cheating on me the entire time I dated him. I was filled with heartbreak. I tried filling that heartbreak with more men thinking it would make me feel complete.

Fast forward to 5 years later I found a man I truly loved, but I was smoking weed and drinking. I then started getting into the Word of God and became really interested for about 3 weeks. I had a very challenging job at the time. I was bullied and harassed for being overweight, shy, introverted, and full of anxiety. They let me go for this reason. I blamed God and then the scripture Matthew 12:44-45 took place:

“Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. and the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”

This is the exact thing that happened to me that caused me in chaotic chaos. I then got into New Age stuff from Tiktok and from the world today, I meditated to open my “third eye” and saw a pentagram when I opened it. I got into tarot cards, reading auras, yoga, burning incense, and crystals. Which led me into much more vile things.

I started showing my body to men online for money while I was engaged. I would take Xanax, LSD, drinking, and smoked weed every day. Anything to make me feel numb to cover up the pain I was in. I ended up getting married, but after that, it was very hard on our relationship. I didn’t want to do anything, but get high and stay home to hide from the world.

I started getting really sick. Having breathing problems, depression, horrible anxiety. One day I just wanted to end my life, but first I wanted to try and turn it all around. I have heard that God can take you as you are and save you. I started trying to read the bible little by little each day. Then I would fast and ask God to save me. I was still distracted by drugs and family issues.

Wanting to get serious with God I took a week from not being on my phone. Not talking to my family, not worrying about money, and distancing myself from my husband. At this time I read my bible day and night. Still not really understanding what I was reading.

I would pray all alone and worship God all alone. My family thought I was mad at them at this time just because I didn’t contact them as I would. It turned into weeks of this.

Then finally on September 17th, 2021 I was up early around 4 am. I looked in the mirror and stared at myself. I was a mess. I could see the demons literally mocking me in my eyes. They were telling me to end it all, that I will always be trash, that God didn’t love me. I was so disgusted by their mockery. I then smiled back into the mirror looking into my eyes. I said to the demons,

“You have no authority to live in me and control my life. I give my life to Jesus Christ! Get out of me at once and never return in Jesus Name!”

The most amazing thing happened. I watched in the mirror those demons coming out of my physical body. Like a black mist being evaporated. Then I was overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit! I started praying and speaking in a language I never heard before, I opened my eyes while it was happening and I saw these words written in light come across my vision, but I couldn’t understand what it said. I knew I was speaking in tongues for the first time.

After this, I cried for hours and called up family members crying sharing my experience. I then went on a walk I felt like my spirit wanted me to walk to a church to be baptized. I would read my bible now and understand what I was reading like God was talking directly to me. My mind was completely blown by this, but I didn’t understand why I could understand it now.

I started praying to God to help me get baptized by the right person. Later that week my cousin invited me to her house to start a cousin bible study without knowing what had happened to me. I was nervous to go but I still went.

That evening after the lesson I told them all about my experience. My cousin’s husband who was very involved in his church told me the Holy Spirit gave me that understanding and that speaking in tongues was a confirmation of the Holy Spirit delivering me.

Then we decided the following week that he would baptize me. I now have to read the bible every single day. Plus more! I read books, I worship daily, I learned how to pray strong prayers.

I can’t even watch the shows I used to watch or the music I listened to. I was made new and my old self died. Stuff started to get hard and I learned the meaning of Luke 9:23:

“Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”

Which is more hard then it sounds. My husband mocks me today for talking about God. My family try’s to shut me up when I don’t want to. I am in transition into dressing modestly and everyone thinks I am crazy for it. I am selling all of my clothes and starting new ones.

I stay strong every day for Jesus my savior because he had saved me from my oppression. Satan will try everything to bug you. He even tried sending demons in my bedroom waking me up trying to torment me. It is easy not to make them go away. Life is a struggle but a life without God is no life at all.