Hi, I feel much better when I can express my feelings through writing. Only Jesus knows how I “really feel” about everything that has happened before and after becoming a Christian. I would personally like to thank everyone who is taking the time out to read my story.
First off I never in a million years thought that the creator of the entire world would reveal himself to me, in a way that I could never fix my mouth to say that he isn’t real and living today.
“From the beginning” when I was in elementary I’m sure that I saw two red eyes staring at me through a cracked door at my moms house. Our house was grounds for a lot of drug activity” When I saw that, I believe that was the beginning of “my fear of almost everything” I’m not sure if was “wicked imagination” playing tricks on my young mind.
I didn’t tell anyone.
In my teen years I developed nervousness, shyness and fear. On the outside I seemed just like a sweet teen girl but in the inside I was very scared. I didn’t have a “good up bringing. At a young age we were given freedom to do whatever we wanted. In my early 20’s I started to experience sleep paralysis. At first I didn’t know what this was until I experienced an extreme attack. Even though I was used to this happening this attack caught me off guard so it kind of shocked me. As I tried to fight off this attack, which held me down, “you can’t move whatsoever or open you eyes” but something inside of my head was telling me to say the name “Jesus”.
Mind you I was not saved yet. I did know about Jesus from other people but I never fully accepted him. During the attack it looked as though I was in space somewhere “its so hard to explain” but as I said the name “JESUS about three times , this ugly creature with very sharp teeth in the form of a brown see-through like spirit was pulled away from me. I felt the anger of this thing! His teeth were so sharp! After I said Jesus in my mind I was free from the attack. After this experience I found out that this was not normal at all. I eventually educated myself on this. Since then I would experience this every blue moon.
After years of a couple of relationships which involved sex, abortions, extreme physical and mental abuse, constant trips to the ER and one kid. I never knew at the time how bad all of this stuff was. I had no guidance and no one was telling me any better. Not that I was going to listen.
I was at my end.
I was never promiscuous I only had three relationships. In all of them I was a different person. I changed myself to be the person who they wanted me to be which was never enough. On the outside I loved to encouraging people. I would motivate any one, and help anyone. No one knew about the abuse I endured at the hands of men I thought loved me.
I remember praying to Jesus to send me signs all the time. And each time the beatings grew worse and worse. After a breakup, I was on the verge of suicide. A lot of people found out about the physical abuse and I was embarrassed and humiliated publicly from my ex.
I went into a deep depression.
Even though I had thoughts of suicide I never wanted to kill myself because I didn’t want to go to hell. I stared researching about women who have abortions. A lot of the videos said they would burn in hell. I was greatly afraid. I felt like I deserved to burn in hell for my decisions.
After the suicide and hell seeds were planted in my mind. I lost my sanity. All while trying to do “life” work and take care of my child. At night I would have suicidal nightmares. The voices would tell me horrible things. They told me I was unworthy, disgusting, ugly and that Jesus hated me.
I believed them.
I was so depressed that I literally wanted to die but I was to afraid to do it. I would sit in the dark for hours and cry. To make matters worst I also found out I had HSV 1 and 2 and I knew my ex gave it to me. He didn’t even care when I told him. A few months later I lay in my bed in the dark wishing someone would just take me out the world. Yes, the voices still tormented me. My life was basically over. I knew that I would never be able to be with another man.
I picked up my phone and searched up stuff about “Christians” to my surprise their words and stories put a ounce of Faith in my heart that maybe Jesus can help me. But if he didn’t I totally understood. With nothing to lose I called out to JESUS. I cried like I never cried before and asked this “Jesus” I read about to help me.
In the mist of my crying. Jesus himself came down from his throne into my room. It was his spirit! I just knew it! Immediately, I felt how my sins, which he showed me hurt him! I did not feel worthy to be in his presence. In that moment I just knew this was my father and that he was HOLY. Pure holiness. I felt his great love for me. I wept and wept and wept and asked for the forgiveness of my sins and transgressions against him.
The next day I woke up fully aware of what happened. Something happened inside my heart. My journey to seek and find Jesus started. I prayed every night. The nightmares stopped but in the mist I was trying to get my life back on track. I read the bible at little bit, but I prayed a lot, because I still had doubt that Jesus really had forgiven my sin of abortion.
I prayed and asked for a sign. I was still a little depressed but nothing like before. A few months later at a church service God gave me my answer. I went up for prayer and this woman of God told me that Jesus heard my prayers. She told me that I had literally had one foot in the grave and that Jesus rescued me from the hands of the enemy. She told me that Satan had an assignment on my life to kill me. She said it was time to let go of the people that hurt me and that ” I wasn’t that little girl anymore.”
Then she touched my belly and said Jesus told her to tell me that what I did to my body has been forgiven. It felt like a ton of bricks lifted off my life. I felt like a strong wind hit me and I could not believe my ears. This lady did not know my private prayers and I wept and wept. I went home and truly worship my Savior in truth. My life was drastically changing. I was finally free from the bondage of unforgiveness towards myself. I knew it in my soul.
Fast forward I joined a very small church. I was 26 years old. In my opinion it was a very prophetic church. I experienced deliverance etc. I had only been saved about 7 months. I became very attracted to the prophetic and how they prayed and lived a holy lifestyle. I was the only young woman in my 20’s. The only young girl at the church. I quickly became close to them and told almost everything about me.
Things were going good for me.
We had church Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday. The services would last over 5 hours. I would bring my kid and they would always pray for us. I learned a lot. My faith was increasing . I would testify to many women, speak life into dead situations. I loved the fact of how “on fire” they were for Christ. I became so involved with church and I quickly believed everything that was said or preached. One fact I know is that Jesus spoke to me on plenty occasions at this church.
Between working, being a single mom, trying to be at church on time everyday, and still fighting personal battles I became overwhelmed. In the midst, I decided to go back to get a health check up. Before my appointment I wasn’t nervous or anything even though I knew what I had. A little part of me had hope that when I was forgiven for my sin that Jesus had also healed me as well. I made a vow that I would remain celibate until marriage. When I received my positive health results I was sad but not depressed. I still worshiped Jesus. Another year passed I met Christian friends and my faith was going well.
The church pressure became very overwhelming. In just two years the Holy Spirit gave me power to overcome many of things. I found myself becoming obsessed with how Christians where supposed to look on the outside. Because this was preached a lot in services. In church I dressed modest and still nothing revealing etc… but in a respectable way. I was really the only one in service that had my own style and identity at the time.
But it was very clear that sometimes whoever was preaching would preach about me over the pulpit. At first I was in denial about it. After a few sermons about appearance. I started to look and dress like the older women in church. The more I changed the more they loved me. I would have to always tell the pastor what I was doing and where I was going or why I was late. If not that to would get preached about over the pulpit. Since I believed everything they said I believe this as well. Even though I didn’t want to I did it so they could like me more. Even though I prayed about it I still felt like I wasn’t being real in this area. When visitors would come they would put me on display and at first I loved the attention then I quickly despised it. Remember that the church consisted of only about 15 people.
Shortly after I found myself becoming judgmental of other Christians who didn’t have a “church home like mine.” I would immediately get mad when people tried to tell me other wise. I judged them before meeting them. I swear I did not want to be this way but I could not help it at all. Somehow I knew that something was attached to me that I did not want. After all those sermons being preached about other lukewarm churches…I began to see a lot that didn’t sit right within in me. I even partaked in gossip about other churches.
I started to actually study the bible for myself and started to feel like something wasn’t right. At first I was so eager to go to church but now it became as a chore. Who can screamed the loudest, pray the longest or who had the latest dream from God. If you didn’t worship or pray for long hours you where preached about secretly. Sometimes I prayed loud so that the pastor could hear me so I wouldn’t get pulled to the side after a service and asked why I wasn’t praying…It all was happening so fast. To sum things up, it was like if I didn’t do everything they said I according to them I backsliding, or sinning , which I wasn’t doing. This really confused me A LOT. At the time I felt like if I acted and looked like everyone else I would be loved by the church more and that Jesus would love me more so that’s exactly what I did. I was so in love with Jesus that I would do anything they said.
I was hurt one time when I heard something personal about me being preached about. I knew it. I had went to God about it. One time my kid threw up at a service, but I wouldn’t dare leave or I would be in trouble. Those kind of things they considered as a distraction from the enemy. At the time I was so crazy and native. I just cleaned it up and stayed the rest of service. I tried to leave once but was manipulated to stay. I felt my depression coming back but I wouldn’t dare expose that. Afraid they would say I have a demon. The trust was broken now. I was to afraid to open up to my church members after all that took place. I was very hurt and confused about Christianity now.
I was angry now. I thought things like this was not supposed to happen especially in church. Then with my health issues I was just overall mad. I grew angry toward Jesus. That he allowed this to happen especially when my heart was open. For some reason when it came to Jesus I was extremely sensitive.
I tried to express my feelings to different Christians but they all gave me their own opinions about everything. I was a unstable Christian like the bible says. I was being tossed about every wind and doctrine. The crazy part is I love my church members so much and still do. When I finally left I was told by the pastor I would be a laughing stock to everyone. I was told that the devil would get me and was I disobedient to Jesus.
I was very afraid but I still left.
I had to leave for my mental state. Each day that past I was afraid that Jesus or the Devil would kill me for leaving. It took me months and still today to recover. I was to embarrassed to tell anyone so I didn’t. I wanted everything to go back to the beginning when everything was effortless. My prayers were not even the same anymore. Back then I prayed simple meaningful prayers, but now I couldn’t tell if I was mocking the leaders of the church prayers.
I was well aware that some of this was a spiritual attack from Satan. My mind which I submitted to Jesus when I first got saved was now running all over the place. I worried about the future, what people thought about me, I worried that my old church members hated me. I worried about my health so much to the point where I felt like Jesus was no longer with me and that he refused to heal me. My mind would go places I didn’t want it to go. My kid become sick a lot. Man I was so depressed. In the midst I still was crying out to Jesus.
I became jealous when I would browse social media of couples and other people who didn’t even believe in Jesus, I thought here I am trying to live a godly life, no longer fornicating, cursing, drinking, or clubbing in two and half years. I would look at relationships they would talk about God but still portray ungodly things.
I was mad that I had to deny my flesh and suffer. I had to be the bigger person in situations. I had to be a doormat and get my feelings hurt over and over. I was asking myself how come they was not suffering with sickness and mind problems! It seemed as though they had the easy way. Good health and prospering (I felt like throwing in the towel I did not want to live for Jesus anymore).
I was fasting and praying but still had to deal with this health issues that by the way “I had no symptoms of.” Sometimes Jesus would comfort me through his word but my heart became so cold and hard I couldn’t receive. I was struggling to read God’s word without my old church revelation of scripture in my ears. Jesus was telling me one thing but their voices and opinions screamed another. I no longer knew who I was in Christ. My past tried to destroy me. I was regretting becoming a Christian. It was so hard. I fell a lot and condemnation would rule my mind.
A few months pass and I finally feel like I’m getting it together. Through all of this I always prayed but I didn’t feel connected. I decided to ask one of my friends to pray with me and for me. She did. I loved her because she was so “real” she was herself in Christ. She didn’t care about what people thought about her. She would always encourage me.
Slowly the Holy Spirit would minister to me and encourage me. I would capture negative thoughts and replace them with God’s words (which was hard for me). One day I prayed to Jesus. I told him I was ready to start fellowship again but I was so afraid. Afraid to trust or open up again. I visited this church and immediately fell in love with it… a lot of young and old people where there. It was very refreshing to see. I was so nervous that I sat in the back. I actually felt guilty for being there and not with my first church. I didn’t realize how my first church experience affected me.
When service was almost over the pastor called me out and spoke into me. He told me that the enemy is trying his hardest to twist up things in my life, he said that I will finished Gods will for my life in the name of Jesus. He said that throughout my life I started a lot of things but I never finish. He said that I will finish school. Which to my surprise, I really did want to finish school. This time around I was not so naïve to when people prophesy over you. I now would test every spirit through the word of God. I learned many things from my first experience.
The Present (Now)
I joined the church and feel very good about it. It’s only been about a month. They preach the same as my former church but with more accuracy and understanding, The pastor truly believes in God’s Word. He believes in Right Now healing and promises. He teaches about personal relationship instead of religion. He talks about pressing toward the mark daily and denying sin access in our lives.
This past Sunday we were all worshiping Jesus and he was saying stuff about healing he said that healing was in the atmosphere. I really felt like it was. So during prayer I reached out to God and asked for healing my body. He then began to say someone in here with positive results will go in for testing and receive negative results. Further along the service he began to walk around and pray for the healing of some people. I was confident in that moment that God had healed my body so I didn’t care that he didn’t come up to me and pray. I started to cry because this is all I ever wanted.
I want a husband a godly father figure for my son. I just want to live for Christ and I do understand that suffering, trials, and tribulations will happen to anyone who takes up their cross. My life has been a roller coaster. But I still thank God for his mercy upon my life. He is so good and I can still say this regardless of my situations. I love him so much.
My life is not perfect. I still struggle but now as I am writing this I see that it was Jesus strength in my weak moments when I felt like throwing in the towel. What the enemy meant for my bad I know that Jesus will turn it around. And if any women are reading this just know that JESUS forgives that SIN that’s keeping you in bondage! I will be going in for testing soon. I just ask that you all keep me in your prayers. Thanks for listening to my story.
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