Need Some Advice, Pretty Confused

Well my name is Roxanne and to be quite honest I was not really raised up in a Christian home. My mother was brought up in catholic school all her life and I guess maybe that’s why she rebelled and didn’t really bring us up with church. I do believe in god and have for all my life. I was raised by my single mom who left my dad because he was a cheater and frequently beat her up. I was one when she left and didn’t get remarried till i was 6. My step father never got along with me and my older sister and frequently hit us. I was raised a very domestic violence home and I’m happy that’s of the past now. Just a little info of me and my life growing up.

When I was 20 I met the man that would later father my son. I loved him with all my heart. Even though friends and family warned me against dating him because he already had 2 kids with the same girl and he was my same age. But when your young and naïve you don’t listen to anyone’s words of wisdom. Well his first babies mom made are lives miserable not to mention his family were pretty awful to me. Well need less to say we broke up almost two years ago. We have been off and on and during this time I lost the home we had together, gained a lot of weight and went unto a depression that I’m still going thru till this day. I tried everything to get over him, going out to night clubs, being promiscuous, reading the cards. Going to witch doctors hoping they would tell me the future. I also got heavy into smoking pot. I smoked everyday all day. I would cry myself to sleep because I wanted my son to grow up with the family he never had.

About four months ago I got a bible and started reading it, mind you I never really even prayed regularly. I picked it up and would read and read and I came upon a passage that god gives us the desires of are heart. And I know this is going to sound terrible but I thought well if I dedicate my life to god maybe just maybe he can restore my family and bring him back home. So thru gods grace I stop going out and I finally stop doing drugs. I knew I had to stop doing drugs because my son deserved better. It was day by day. I got a job and I feel good about myself today. But I always think I’m better and then out of no where driving home or laying in my bed I will just sob and cry for him to come back. I even about a month and half ago changed my prayer, I started telling god I understand god if me and him are not meant to be then its ok, I will accept what’s in your will for me, just take this hurt out of my heart lord. It has gotten better and I cry less and most nights its easy to drift off to sleep. It used to not be easy at all. About 2 weeks ago I had a dream that me and my ex were in a very dirty apartment living together and then after sometime we were moving into a nice clean apartment. The walls were bright white and we seem very happy and peaceful. The next night, the depression got the best of me and I started crying and still trying to praise my lord. I got this sudden urge to get up and turn on the lights and open my bible….I opened it and it landed on JOB 33

1 “But now, Job, listen to my words;
pay attention to everything I say.

2 I am about to open my mouth;
my words are on the tip of my tongue.

3 My words come from an upright heart;
my lips sincerely speak what I know.

4 The Spirit of God has made me;
the breath of the Almighty gives me life.

5 Answer me then, if you can;
prepare yourself and confront me.

6 I am just like you before God;
I too have been taken from clay.

7 No fear of me should alarm you,
nor should my hand be heavy upon you.

8 “But you have said in my hearing€”
I heard the very words-

9 ‘I am pure and without sin;
I am clean and free from guilt.

10 Yet God has found fault with me;
he considers me his enemy.

11 He fastens my feet in shackles;
he keeps close watch on all my paths.’

12 “But I tell you, in this you are not right,
for God is greater than man.

13 Why do you complain to him
that he answers none of man’s words?

14 For God does speak now one way, now another
though man may not perceive it.

15 In a dream, in a vision of the night,
when deep sleep falls on men
as they slumber in their beds,

16 he may speak in their ears
and terrify them with warnings,

17 to turn man from wrongdoing
and keep him from pride,

18 to preserve his soul from the pit,
his life from perishing by the sword.

19 Or a man may be chastened on a bed of pain
with constant distress in his bones,

20 so that his very being finds food repulsive
and his soul loathes the choicest meal.

21 His flesh wastes away to nothing,
and his bones, once hidden, now stick out.

22 His soul draws near to the pit,
and his life to the messengers of death.

23 “Yet if there is an angel on his side
as a mediator, one out of a thousand,
to tell a man what is right for him,

24 to be gracious to him and say,
‘Spare him from going down to the pit
I have found a ransom for him’-

25 then his flesh is renewed like a child’s;
it is restored as in the days of his youth.

26 He prays to God and finds favor with him,
he sees God’s face and shouts for joy;
he is restored by God to his righteous state.

27 Then he comes to men and says,
‘I sinned, and perverted what was right,
but I did not get what I deserved.

28 He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit,
and I will live to enjoy the light.’

29 “God does all these things to a man€”
twice, even three times-

30 to turn back his soul from the pit, that the light of life may shine on him.

31 “Pay attention, Job, and listen to me;
be silent, and I will speak.

32 If you have anything to say, answer me;
speak up, for I want you to be cleared.

33 But if not, then listen to me;
be silent, and I will teach you wisdom.”

I am pretty certain that god is trying to tell me something, I thought maybe this means we will get back together I would like other peoples take on the dream and prayer maybe I’m all wrong. I know god in my heart was and is trying to tell me something, why can’t I understand what it is he is trying to tell me. I am totally turning my life around and also trying to get my family into god. I don’t know why I can’t seem to bury this depression and except things I cant change. I continue to pray and pray and hopefully one day I will come out of this stronger and wiser like Marvin Sapp said. (Gospel singer)

11 Comments

  1. Gail 10/21/2007
  2. roxyven 10/22/2007
  3. katrina 10/22/2007
  4. Rev Angel Pagan 10/23/2007
  5. roxyven 10/23/2007
  6. katrina 10/23/2007
  7. c.hayes 11/1/2007
  8. collins 11/24/2007
  9. mike 1/18/2008
  10. Karen 3/25/2008
  11. deb 10/14/2008

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