My Transformation From Darkness To Light

This is the story of my walk with God, from around 8 to now, age 16. When I was a young child, I had insomnia. I would barely sleep, and when I did, all I got were horrible nightmares, about my parents leaving me on the rooftop, me being killed, drowning, falling, things like that. Later, when I was 14, I realized what was going on, but we will get to that.

So, my biological father was the only non-Christian in our small house of four people. He had different morals, different beliefs. I didn’t know who to believe. I was so little, and I thought my dad was the best there was. But he was not so great. He cheated on my mother. With four women, and each one multiple times. He beat me, my mother, and my sister very often. He was a pornography addict, and he showed me my first video of it. That was the point where I started changing.

I was a pretty good boy, following all that I was supposed to do. But the negative thoughts started seeping in. I was becoming more aggressive towards my numerous bullies, instead of showing them god’s light. I thought to myself, I only want fun right now.

I realized later that I had stopped trusting everybody, including God. I thought I only had myself. It wasn’t because of what my father had recently done. I had always had these things on the back of my mind, but they went to the front once I became a porn addict as well. I was sinning, and not seeking forgiveness.

Things just got worse. I physically grabbed somebody by the throat, at school, because they called me shrimp. I learned at that time how useful adrenaline was, so I started trying to learn to hold the anger until I needed it. I learned that my own grandparents, the ones I trusted to get me through home life, had wanted me aborted, because my mother got pregnant at 17.

I started trying to fit in. First, I got a girlfriend merely because I knew she liked me. Then, I started talking more like them. I started to cuss. My thoughts got worse. I tried multiple times to back out when I realized what was happening, but it was too late. My resistance was weakened beyond the point of stopping myself, or so I thought.

When my biological father left for good, I went to counseling. My counselor noticed how violent I was thinking but thought that it was nothing too big. I was released from counseling sessions within a year. At this point I was fighting so hard to keep my faith alive, because I could sense myself slipping. I failed.

By chance, an opportunity to become at least more well known, if not popular, fell into my lap, and I seized it. Instead of using it for good, I used this temporary fame to hook into as many different sets of friends as possible. I knew what I was doing, and when I lost my fame, I had connections all across the school. I was secretly one of the most powerful people at school. Nothing said at school that was big news escaped me, and I could use people to help me spy on my enemies, so that I could blackmail them into submission. I had it all, except for God.

I didn’t even start thinking about these things until recently, after years. I never thought my quest for ultimate power at school was bad, until recently. I was sitting in my room at night, playing a game, and listening to music. A song came on. It was the song, monster, by skillet. I had no idea why that song was playing. I was listening to a compilation of music, and I guess the person liked that song. I was about to skip it, but I felt something stir. My hand moved away from my computer, and I just sat there, wondering what was going on.

Then it hit me: I relate to this song. This is what I feel even now. The voice never went away, I just managed to stifle it. Suddenly, hundreds of emotions flew through me. Guilt. Relief. Confusion. Bewilderment. Happiness. Anger. Then, finally, sadness so deep, I could barely handle it. I didn’t understand. But that day, which was about two weeks ago, changed me once again. I started listening to Christian music only.

I became happier, and less angry. I started to understand these feelings that I had, and why I had them. I was mad at God, because he didn’t protect me. I did not understand he was trying to strengthen my faith, and I let myself spiral recklessly out of control. I only understood that I had been rejected, beaten, humiliated, and disrespected in every way, including by myself.

Today, the final breakthrough happened. I heard, My Own Worst Enemy, by Casting Crowns. That was again, me perfectly. Now, I fight, and I fight hard. I know this will be the hardest fight I have ever gone through, an uphill battle, but I will not give up, because I have God. Even now, every ounce of my darkness is straining to stop me, but I will not stop. I will post this, and I will fight, and I will not look up anything I should not be seeing.

I guess what I wanted to show you guys is that it may seem hopeless, your battles, but it is not hopeless because of the situation; you are making it that way. The only way to win your fights is to never give up. I would advise not losing as badly as I did, because I literally have to fight every single waking second against what I want to do. It has been extremely hard. It is easier to do as the bible says, and trust in God always. I hope you enjoyed my testimony, because it was hard to give.

By the way, if you want, you can check me out on YouTube. I am knowlerman. I post lets plays, but I will do other stuff, and I am thinking about doing Christian messages on there now.