It’s almost 2012, nearly 4 years since I testified on this website. what has changed? That’s hard to describe. Do I still feel lonely? Lustful? Yes.
I selfishly lost my virginity to some girl, and porn is still there too blech. I did have close friends for a while, but they drifted off (what a shame) but now I’m still learning that people come and go in our lives, no matter how I feel. It sucks that I never had that core group of friends or that best friend growing up, which makes me bitter sometimes (>:( ) . I know a lot of people today but they’re merely acquaintances. I understand that everyone has responsibilities to take care of, especially with age.
I’ve always been the black sheep in the family, amongst my relatives. I cringe at family reunions haha. But enough of me, God is good. I’m not here to seek help, God is my help, I must die… to self. A daily struggle for all of us, but it’s through our struggles we learn to wait on Him and Him alone. Works don’t mean anything! Just the perfect work of Christ in us, God doing a supernatural work in you, not to make your problems go away…
You see, when I posted this, my view was that if I followed Christ, all my problems will be solved, I’d be successful, feel smart and have a better social life. Are those things ok? Sure, but that’s not the whole goal of Christianity, even if the prosperity gospel teaches that, it’s just incorrect.
Either we esteem self or we esteem God. pick one, that’ll be your choice. Looking back on that now makes me seem a bit selfish, like having God fulfill all my selfish needs rather than live for Him, no matter what! to hell with everything else! my view now is on Him, God saved me from Himself, and the outpouring of His wrath. How loving is that? He didn’t save me for me. God’s glory manifests even if humanity didn’t exist! (#truth) He saved us for His glory. That alone keeps me going, even in the midst of suffering, I am learning to trust Him. I never felt suicidal since those days and that’s a good thing, God sees worth in me even if my friends left me, etc.. Life may not turn out the way I want it to be, but that shouldn’t keep me or you from living and knowing who God is.
It’s not about you, it was never about you. Don’t wait till you get to heaven to rejoice, start now! What should I do now? is no longer the question, because God answered me. (testimony below for those who haven’t read).
Mar 19, 2008
I grew up in my church my whole life. my dad is an assistant pastor in my church. everyone loves him. everyone expects me to be a good guy. I pretty much have been a good guy throughout my childhood. growing up in a Christian household, was so different from everything outside of the world. my parents never really taught me anything about stuff like music. All they would listen to is Christian music. I did not know anything about any music. And because of that I was made fun of by other people. I’ve been pushed around mostly my whole life even in church.
By the time high school rolled around, I started becoming more and more rebellious. I would start by cutting a class and that would increase to more classes every day. I even started hanging out with the wrong crowd, who all they did was cut and smoke weed and just be lazy. I never smoked at all. thank God. But me and a friend starting doing graffiti, and eventually we were caught by the cops and taken to jail. It was my 1st time so I was let go the next day. Five days of community service.
But then I realized that people I used to talk at school didn’t want to talk to me no more because I cut so much. And by the end of senior year, I only had a few friends and that’s about it. now for my main problem.
I was a porn addict. It all started at middle school, people would just show me pics and eventually I started looking on my own. from that, it led to clips, and then films. eventually I started masturbating which was like 3 years ago. It was a daily routine for me. I even did it more than once in a single day.
Near the end of 07, I got into a relationship with a girl, which was good because I stopped with the porn, but I was pretty lustful. The 1st time me and her were together, I had the urge to have sex with her. But then, I stopped bc it was too quick and she would get mad at me… I was pretty happy with her, I didn’t need porn at all, maybe like once I looked at it… eventually, we broke up… which really saddened me… and I went back to porn.
By February, something happened to me… I had a fight(not physical) with her which had me furious with anger and resentment. That rage eventually turned into bitter loneliness, and even with the porn, that didn’t help at all… I started feeling isolated from the world, and there were times were I even threw up because I was so depressed. I couldn’t even focus on school because it was so stressful and when I came home, I broke down into tears. I even started thinking about committing suicide.
And so I prayed and for the 1st time, after all those years growing up in church, I accepted Christ. it’s been a month since I stopped with the porn, but I still get images in my head. there are times where when I sleep, I start dreaming about it… and the are times where I have the urge to go back to the net to continue where I left off… but I never went back to that.
Anyways I’m 19, but I do not feel 19, I barely know anything in the world,
- because I never paid attention.
- I’m a pastor’s son.
I’m like the worst talker ever because I have nothing to talk about. I’m not really funny. And I’m quiet most of the time. Which makes me feel even more lonely. And other than that, I don’t feel like I’m independent.
I’m always taking orders from somebody else. I’m the type of guy who gets pushed around. the reason I don’t do anything back is because I don’t wanna make it worse. but like I said, I’m like the worst talker ever. and the only real people I have in my life is my parents, a few of my cousins, and like a few friends. idk what to do from here, I know I trust Christ now, I get sad but then I get better.
But still, what should I do now?