It’s almost 2012, nearly 4 years since I testified on this website. what has changed? That’s hard to describe. Do I still feel lonely? Lustful? Yes.
I selfishly lost my virginity to some girl, and porn is still there too blech. I did have close friends for a while, but they drifted off (what a shame) but now I’m still learning that people come and go in our lives, no matter how I feel. It sucks that I never had that core group of friends or that best friend growing up, which makes me bitter sometimes (>:( ) . I know a lot of people today but they’re merely acquaintances. I understand that everyone has responsibilities to take care of, especially with age.
I’ve always been the black sheep in the family, amongst my relatives. I cringe at family reunions haha. But enough of me, God is good. I’m not here to seek help, God is my help, I must die… to self. A daily struggle for all of us, but it’s through our struggles we learn to wait on Him and Him alone. Works don’t mean anything! Just the perfect work of Christ in us, God doing a supernatural work in you, not to make your problems go away…
You see, when I posted this, my view was that if I followed Christ, all my problems will be solved, I’d be successful, feel smart and have a better social life. Are those things ok? Sure, but that’s not the whole goal of Christianity, even if the prosperity gospel teaches that, it’s just incorrect.
Either we esteem self or we esteem God. pick one, that’ll be your choice. Looking back on that now makes me seem a bit selfish, like having God fulfill all my selfish needs rather than live for Him, no matter what! to hell with everything else! my view now is on Him, God saved me from Himself, and the outpouring of His wrath. How loving is that? He didn’t save me for me.
God’s glory manifests even if humanity didn’t exist! (#truth) He saved us for His glory. That alone keeps me going, even in the midst of suffering, I am learning to trust Him. I never felt suicidal since those days and that’s a good thing, God sees worth in me even if my friends left me, etc.. Life may not turn out the way I want it to be, but that shouldn’t keep me or you from living and knowing who God is.
It’s not about you, it was never about you. Don’t wait till you get to heaven to rejoice, start now! What should I do now? is no longer the question, because God answered me. (testimony below for those who haven’t read).
Mar 19, 2008
I grew up in my church my whole life. my dad is an assistant pastor in my church. everyone loves him. everyone expects me to be a good guy. I pretty much have been a good guy throughout my childhood. growing up in a Christian household, was so different from everything outside of the world. my parents never really taught me anything about stuff like music. All they would listen to is Christian music. I did not know anything about any music. And because of that I was made fun of by other people, I’ve been pushed around mostly my whole life even in church.
By the time high school rolled around, I started becoming more and more rebellious. I would start by cutting a class and that would increase to more classes every day. I even started hanging out with the wrong crowd, who all they did was cut and smoke weed and just be lazy. I never smoked at all. thank God. But me and a friend starting doing graffiti, and eventually we were caught by the cops and taken to jail. It was my 1st time so I was let go the next day. Five days of community service.
But then I realized that people I used to talk at school didn’t want to talk to me no more because I cut so much. And by the end of senior year, I only had a few friends and that’s about it. now for my main problem.
I was a porn addict. It all started at middle school, people would just show me pics and eventually I started looking on my own. from that, it led to clips, and then films. eventually I started masturbating which was like 3 years ago. It was a daily routine for me. I even did it more than once in a single day.
Near the end of 07, I got into a relationship with a girl, which was good because I stopped with the porn, but I was pretty lustful. The 1st time me and her were together, I had the urge to have sex with her. But then, I stopped bc it was too quick and she would get mad at me… I was pretty happy with her, I didn’t need porn at all, maybe like once I looked at it… eventually, we broke up… which really saddened me… and I went back to porn.
By February, something happened to me… I had a fight(not physical) with her which had me furious with anger and resentment. That rage eventually turned into bitter loneliness, and even with the porn, that didn’t help at all… I started feeling isolated from the world, and there were times were I even threw up because I was so depressed. I couldn’t even focus on school because it was so stressful and when I came home, I broke down into tears. I even started thinking about committing suicide.
And so I prayed and for the 1st time, after all those years growing up in church, I accepted Christ. it’s been a month since I stopped with the porn, but I still get images in my head. there are times where when I sleep, I start dreaming about it… and the are times where I have the urge to go back to the net to continue where I left off… but I never went back to that.
Anyways I’m 19, but I do not feel 19, I barely know anything in the world,
- because I never paid attention.
- I’m a pastor’s son.
I’m like the worst talker ever because I have nothing to talk about. I’m not really funny. And I’m quiet most of the time. Which makes me feel even more lonely. And other than that, I don’t feel like I’m independent.
I’m always taking orders from somebody else. I’m the type of guy who gets pushed around. the reason I don’t do anything back is because I don’t wanna make it worse. but like I said, I’m like the worst talker ever. and the only real people I have in my life is my parents, a few of my cousins, and like a few friends. idk what to do from here, I know I trust Christ now, I get sad but then I get better.
But still, what should I do now?
Congratulations on accepting Christ and thank you for sharing your testimony. Through an intimate relationship with Him you are sure to experience “life more abundantly” (John 10:10). The Word of God is powerful. Read relevant scriptures that will release you for the hold of pornography – “His light shines in the darkness and the darkenss will never put it out”. Please read Romans Chapter 8. It’s great! Romans 8:9 “You are controlled NOT by the sinful nature but by the Spirit”. Patiently and peacefully wait on God, He will more than meet your needs. He has friends for you, receive them in faith and they will manifest. Stay strong through prayer and the “Peace of Christ which surpusses all understanding” will be yours. Blessings to you.
For someone who doesn’t have anything to talk about you’ve done an awesome job sharing your testimony, it’s so honest. All of your sins, weaknesses were put on Jesus on the cross and there’s no condemnation for you now, NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Jesus finished work has made you holy. It’s so hard to try and overcome our weaknesses in our own strength. We can’t do it. The more we TRY to be good the harder it is because it’s only when we rest in God’s grace can we find victory over our weaknesses. You are a Prince, an heir with Christ, an awesome person in God’s eyes. Its hard to say everything I’d like to but if you want one of my sermons I’d be happy to email it. Otherwise if you can get hold of some Pastor Joseph Prince newcreation.org.sg have a listen.
Suicide is the last wrong choice you could ever make. You are worth a lot to Jesus; He paid with His blood for you. Your past mistakes are just that: passed. You are starting a new life in Christ; you need to surround yourself with a nurturing environment. It doesn’t sound like your church has a support group for youth and/or young adults; find one that does. You don’t need to impress or satisfy anyone right now; you need to take care of yourself. The best way to do that is by being part of a group who understands what you have been and are going through because they have had the same battles and have had found strength and victory in Christ through each other. You will find understanding, strength and support for your battles, not to mention the fellowship that you need to give you comfort in difficult times.
2 friends are worth 200 associates do not be sad you have only one or two friends for some people travel their lives not knowing any friends. Build your relationship with your two friends and love them from this behavior you will see more friends in time teach them them same as you did and in time you like them will have many friends
When I was 19 I was known as “adanikan”(which can be translated to “solo” in english) cos i had no friends, didn’t attend any parties and generally did everything alone. But I didn’t mind, the people who called me names were so nasty i didn’t even want them around me, not to talk of making them my friends. All through college i had only one true friend, all the others tried to take advantage of me at one time or the other and I had to give them space. Now my secret to happiness at this time was my bible. I always read it when i was by myself because i wanted a friend that would love me and solve my problems without judging me or making fun of me, i found him and He took me under His wing, and i was always very happy. it was so serious that i did not even want to have any other friends. can you believe that? But that is Jesus for you, He will satisfy all your needs, if you would only ask him to. I’ll advise you to get a small bible that you can carry around. Get a small diary and a pencil and read your bible every time you have the chance, you’ll start being at peace with who you are and you won’t rest your happiness on human beings anymore because one day they will hurt you and make you feel very bad about who you are. Please stop sleeping with your girlfriend and reading pornography, those are wrong. Also don’t feel bad about being a pastor’s son, it is more than a blessing for you because you are in a holy home. Try discussing your problems with the parent you are close to, preferably your father, if he counsels other people i don’t think he would want to see his own son in trouble right?
May God bless you and be your one true friend.
lol i never slept w. my girl. . . but i had a strong urge for lust. it’s getting less and less by the day. (thank God).
but other than that,i’m starting to build some hope within myself. it’s tough bc i get scared from time to time but i pray when that happens. i know that now, i must not give up, i’m on a mission to get closer to God.
hey tjazz, is your life now? you told me about what happened when you were 19, but how old are you now? did God give you friends that you can actually trust?
Hey man great testimony, I can totally relate to this. I’m 20 years old and grew up in a Christian home as an assistant pastor’s son as well. I also was addicted to porn and had a girlfriend, and was devestated when we broke up. Thankfully, through Christ I overcame the addiction. The truth is, pornography gives you a distorted view of women, and no matter how hard you try to deny that, it will blind you. Though it is a struggle to get out of it, when you trust Christ and ask for his help to carry you through, He will. And you will look back and think wow, thank God I am not chained to that anymore. It truly is freeing. Jesus saves!
Read Nehemiah 4:1-3,6-9,13-15;6:15. Read Phil 4:13. Read Isa 54:17 Read I Cor 5:18. Read John 10:10. Read Matt chapter 5-7 and meditate on Jesus word. No man can heal you of your sins and issues except Jesus Chirst. None of us can force you to do anything. It is going to take the Blood of Jesus and the Power of the Holy Ghost to break this sin and bondage that you are in. You are a Pastors son for a reason. Read Jer 29:11. God has a plan for you that is great. You have a gift and a ministry and you will be attacked by Satan just like the rest of your brothers. The apostle Paul talks about how he desires pray but he also recognizes that their are brothers all over the world who are suffering for the gospel just like him. You are going to make it. I like how you said that you praised God for not committing the intercourse act with your lady friend. You should be thanking God for that alot of us brothers take the liberty. Being a Chirstian is very fun, its very exciting and entertaining, your never alone and you have hope to make it when your facing hard times. But also there is some suffering. None of us get away scotch free. The bible says, ” Those who desire to live Godly shall suffer persecution”. I encourage you to read about christians in Africa and Asia and other parts of the world who are being physically hurt for professing the name of Jesus Chirst. When we begin to think about other peoples problems and how we can help them that is when we become men. You are a man of God. A child of God. God died for you he paid his blood for you. You are very special in the eyes of God. But your just like the rest of us your beating yourself up for no reason. Don’t let the masterbation and the porn stop you from serving Jesus. Keep serving him, keep reading your bible, keep going to church, keep helping your mother and father and the pastor, your a leader get into your role. Once you embrace your power God will start showing things that you could have never imagined. I’m a singer, I have the gift of healing peopel through song. I love it now when I sing a solo at church and I watch the holy spirit heal people. Brother that is better than any porn or girl or piece of money ever. Keep letting God use you and your gift. My prayers are with you. You have already made it. Rejoice in Jesus every second.
hey man i was reading your story and so many things lined up with my life. I’m 21. I had a very strong attraction to a girl (really hott one) and she ended up breaking my heart. Umm, I can honstly say I feel like i don’t have any friends at this moment (of course theres people i have interactions with, but nobody that i feel REALLY loves me). Another thing we have in common is my parents are the musicians at my church. My mom plays the piano, my dad plays the trumpet. He can go up and talk to anybody, within a second they’re howling and (like your dad) everybody likes him. I also have some problems with porn. (Lately I’ve realized how destructful it is to me, and thankfully, I don’t want to do it anymore even though i have a few week moments). I get the dreams often, too. The dreams didn’t start until i really said to myself that i needed to stop. But one positive note is that i have been able to cut back on the porn in my own mind lately (compared to the amount of time i spent thinking about it for the past several years). I also get depressed and angry and sad and feel worthless. I do believe in the Lord. People keep saying that when youre the weakest, God is the strongest; that God can turn your bad situations into positive ones; on, and on. I’ve read a lot of Joel Osteen, which gives me hope. Exercise helps with depression as well. But as for you and me, God has to be in our situations SOMEWHERE. And I like what tjazz said about Jesus being your only friend. I may take stalk of that and read my Bible right now.
Basically, I know your pain. I get looks from people like you probably do. Nobody wants to be around me most of the time. I dont feel like the “old me” that i was as a child that used to make people smile. But, i’d like to hear back from you on what you think. I don’t know you at all but we have at least a few things in common so…Stay strong. Hope for better times. (P.S. Through my several years of lonliness I’ve found a lot of ways that I have actually benefited from the pain.)
Thanks for sharin the story and hopefully you reply back soon
Hi there,
I have gone through your story i want to give you a piece of advice it is the problem with the age you are in i know how you feel like tempted to do things that is satan he is telling to jesus see how i got your son into trouble problems comes to every one do you think is there any human being with out problems it will be one or other. for you this is the problem i may be having different kind of problem so try to make good choices in life never try to underestimate parents they have come through all of this and they want the best for there kids and they are only the people who stick by you in your good or bad. i want to tell you is go to church regularly listen some music when u feel lonely and depressed jesus sends his sprit through his words he is there waiting for you open up your self to him he will let you into his arms, he knows to take care of his kids. praise the lord let all the good happen with you in your life
I think you’re very brave to be this honest and I respect you very much for it. By the way I am a female and I have had depressive times too. If you ever feel like suiciding or wishing you were dead, don’t feel ashamed about going to a doctor and asking for medication. God gave us brains to use and he gave doctors the brains to help us. So lets rejoice in that. Maybe some counselling too. Is there someone in your church older than you who you can confide in or maybe at another church, an elder somewhere…? I know in my country there is a course called “Valiant Man” that helps men with these things (and yes there are courses for women too). Anyhow please don’t think you are alone- we are all here to help each other and you have taken the first step in reaching out, Good on you.
Friend
With the same spirit in which you asked god into your life, ask god for anything. For the Lord knows what is good for you and what is bad, he wants to bless you so much and bless you according to Christ.
For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich.
– 2 Corinthians 8:9
He wants you to live a life above all others. He wants his amazing glory and grace to shine through you life a beacon of bright light through this dark world.
He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
– Romans 8:32
He will withhold no good thing from you, he will not withhold a good group of friends, he will not withhold deliverance from lust from pornography. Our father in heaven has called his children to live a life to the full.
I’ll be honest, your testimony deeply touched me, I could relate to it so much and I thank you for having the boldness for sharing it, it has blessed me and so many others. But I want to see you delivered I want to see you overflowing with joy from Christ’s goodness in your life.
Although I know god wants to bless us in every way, I want to see a blessing in your spirit, a blessing of peace and strength, one of confidence and self assurance in Christ.
“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”
– Matthew 7:11
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7
I see you becoming completely delivered from all that you struggle with!
I really respect what you had to say in your updated version of your testimony, they were wise words from a strong man in Christ!
I love your humility and the way you give all Glory and Honour to our Lord Jesus. I know god is going to Chase you relentlessly with blessings because of it, from my experience when you chase god with all your heart and only him, he chases you with blessings and love and purpose!
One thing I feel compelled to write is that I see you doing amazing things for the kingdom of heaven and they are things that you and only you can do!
And god wants to equip you and bless you for the things he is going to do in you and that means he is going to give you a great support group of friends, who are followers of Christ, they’re going to build you up and show you love. Church is meant to be the most amazing positive experience for you, a place where you’re built up and made ready for all the amazing things god has for you in this life!
I’d like to keep in contact with you 🙂 maybe we can exchange some emails, comment back, or whatever if you want to talk more.
god bless man, you’re a strong man in Christ and I love your testimony, its so raw it sounds like nothings been held back 🙂 so yeah id love to hear more from you. Peace and Love to you in Jesus Name.
Love Brock
Thank you so much Brock! it’s good to be encouraged through the Word, which is needed daily in our lives. Nowadays, “Christians” talk abuot having big ministries and being these great preachers, etc. but never about loving Christ and realizing that He should simply be everything in our lives. He wants my heart! not my works. I’m loved just as equally as you are and everyone else, preacher, or not. There are no great men of God, just weak and feeble men used by a great and merciful God. anyways thanks again, hope to hear from ya
amen!
But how are you?
How are you feeling?
How are you with god at the moment, has much changed since you posted your testimony?
I love the sense of grace you have, its so moving and that powerful understanding of gods grace is such an amazing gift, please please please use it to bless others 🙂 haha
I was graced enough to be saved by the message of gods grace and its men like you who can really plant the true nature of god into peoples hearts. I love it.
But yeah I just have a real desire to see you blessed by god in every way… I guess that’s just something he has put on my heart but I’m praying for you always hope to hear back from you.
Let the spirit of joy reign in your life through the love of Jesus
Love and Peace
Brock
Hi, I’m good, quite better actually thanks, so where’s your testimony?
i have not put one up, but I love reading them, they are so encouraging! I just love to see the power of Jesus release people into the love of god 🙂 maybe I should put mine up. did you find it really useful to write yours up on the site?
I’m praying for you.
I hope this song will encourage you as you seek to have a new life in Jesus Christ.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRbWAtU6LPw
Remember that your background or past life doesn’t determine who you are.
Why wont god save me?
what’s wrong?