Girl Sad but Praising

My Story. I Hated Myself


I have already made a post because I was really down and didn’t know what to do. But I can’t shake this feeling to share my story.

I come from a “Christian” family. But honestly my parents’ relationship was very unstable. They were ALWAYS fighting and eventually when I was about nine, they got divorced. At that age I was very strong in faith. I was quite fortunate despite my parents’ divorce. But I soon turned away from God, BIG mistake. NEVER turn away from God because your guaranteed to fall into darkness.

My mum and dad were in court all the time fighting for custody of me and my brother. We both choose to live with my mum. We would stay with our dad for the weekend every two weeks. But he wasn’t really a father or ever there for us. I soon started to act out and fight A LOT with my mum and one time I ran away. This went on for years, I hated it.

In 2008 I took a severe asthma attack it happened so quickly I was pretty scared all I wanted to do was to close my eyes and sleep. I was in hospital for six days. My mum, nanny and best friend came to visit me. My dad visited me too, once but he was so wrapped up in his girlfriend that he only stayed for five minutes.

My dad made me and my brother so many promises, but he never kept them. I wanted him to be a proper dad and I wanted his love and acceptance. I thought I would earn it if I moved in with him, I stayed for a week. I spent every night in tears, and I really hurt my mum. My mum said that it wasn’t my fault that I was so caught in the middle and messed up, but to this day I still feel kinda guilty.

A year after we moved, I had been in an on and off five-year relationship which ended that year. A few months after I was in a new relationship. It lasted two weeks, we stayed friends, he is now one of my best friends. After a while I became very depressed and I had fallen for my best friend, but he was with someone else, it really hurt. But I did get over him.

But I was never satisfied with being single. I was always looking for a boyfriend, I also looked for guys online. One guy out of the blue called me an unloved whore. I’ve never slept with anyone, but I believed it. I believed I was unloved, and I didn’t think anyone cared. All I could was this voice telling me I was a burden.

It was coming up to New Years and I got one of my friends to set me up, he was her boyfriends, best friend. When New Year’s Eve came my friend’s boyfriend started chatting me up. He told me they had broken up. He said anything I wanted to hear, and I am ashamed to say I flirted back.

After about an hour he told me that none of it was true and that his best friend put him up to it. It hurt so much; I was completely broken. I cried myself to sleep that night. When my friend found out she took their side, she said it was my fault and it didn’t take long for me to believe it.

I also started to blame myself for other things as well like my parents fighting all the time. People began calling me a freak on Facebook and I cost my mum a lot of money due to the fact I was a bed wetter and cost my mum hundreds in mattresses.

I messed up a lot at home I couldn’t do anything right. I would often got called stupid and my grades in school soon dropped. I hated myself. So I started to cut myself, I never drunk or took drugs so the only thing I could think of to ease the pain was to cut myself. Although the cuts weren’t that deep they were noticeable so I wore long sleeve tops to cover them. I would cut myself regularly it became an addiction.

I’m really ashamed to admit it but I also turned to porn, but Im free of that now. I really did hate myself I was such a mess. A couple times I tried to take my life and many times I wished I died on the night of my asthma attack. I felt like nothing, like no one would want me which I had been told several times. I thought that all I did was bring bad things to people, like I was a bad thing and people would be better off if I didn’t exist.

One night I had a huge fight with my mum, she threatened to kick me out. I know she didn’t mean it, but I just had enough. I ran up to my room and broke down in tears. I really wanted to cut myself and make the cuts deep and bleed this time, but instead I prayed for the first time in a long time and I’m not sure why but I’m glad. That very moment I felt something go through me. I cant explain it but I had lost all urges to harm myself. I still had suicidal toughts but I had no intention of carrying them out. I’m not sure what it was but Im pretty sure it was God.

Not long after that I started attending events with Y.I. (Youth Initiatives) Matt my youth leader asked me if I was interested in being a volunteer. I didnt really understand why he asked me to be a volunteer, but I was glad and said yes. I’ll admit I was pretty messed up. But it felt good that there was people that wanted me to be apart of a great group of people. Honestly I don’t think I deserved it.

It wasnt very long after I started a new relationship, he was my partner in Expressive Arts class and we went to the school formal together. But after a couple months he started to molest me. I didn’t know then what molesting was so I didn’t know, but I thought I had to let him do it and I probably would have given myself to him.

But a few months later I attended a camp with Y.I. where I meet a man called Justin Fatica, he was the speaker at camp. The sixteen and over girls had a session with him and he taught us to keep ourselves until we’ve meet a guy who is willing to wait until after marriage and that we shouldn’t be with a guy if he’s not treating you with respect.

Camp was very emotional for everyone, everywhere you turned someone was crying. But it was an AMAZING experience. I felt such relief I now knew that God loved, and he cared. I had been running from him for so long that I forgot. I gave my life over to Christ that weekend, this time whole heartedly “13th August 2011”. I got up and asked God for forgiveness and I thanked him for the cross. I couldn’t help but cry, I could barely talk, I felt so overwhelmed that God had forgiven me for EVERYTHING “My chains are gone I’ve been set free, my God my saviour has rescued me.”

After I confronted my boyfriend, he completely ignored me so a few weeks after I ended it. I started building a positive relationship with my dad, I don’t fight so much with my mum and for the first time in years I’m satisfied with being single. Although I still struggle with depression, I couldn’t be happier. God was with me every step of the way, waiting for me to come to him, he brought me out of darkness. I want to finish by sharing a verse that has really stuck with me Romans 8:31:

“Through all of this what can we say, If God is for us who can be against us”.

Blessings and Love to you all xxx


  1. Ajwood 11/15/2011
  2. Alison :) 11/26/2011
  3. Steve 12/18/2011

Leave a Reply