My Faults

This is a letter to all people who have gone through hard times

To start this letter I would like to introduce myself. My name is Bryan; I’m 26, and live in Oklahoma. I have two brothers. I’m married, with one little girl. My mother and father divorced when I was six-teen years-old. My grandparents, on my mother’s side, Divorced before I was born. They remarried when I was about four-teen. My grandparents, on my father’s side, were happily married about Forty-six years, when my loving grandfather went to haven. Most of my family members have been divorced at least once. Both of my brothers have been divorced. Divorce has become a common word in my family. My wife’s family has come to know the word “divorce” quite well also. Her mother has been divorced two times, her grandmother has once. That is what I want to talk a little about in this letter. This letter is not to point blame on anyone, but to open every one’s eyes on what we have missed.

I’m going to start with one name that we all know in our minds, but do we in our hearts? That name is God, do we know him, sure we know his name but do we really know him. I have come to know him really well in the past few years. He has lately opened my eyes and I fought him, he won. Let me tell you all the facts and you can tell me if any of this sounds familiar.
When I was a little kid my parents went to church every Sunday. They were pastors of the children’s church, at our church. They were the warmest people you could meet. They loved each other, they would spend lots of time with us kids and we loved it. We slowly stopped going to church, and we pushed God out of our lives. My parents started arguing more and more. They fell out of love very quick. They stayed tougher for several years. My brothers are older than I am, so when they moved out it was just my parents and me. My parents were fighting more at this point, so when I turned six-teen I moved in with my mother’s parents. My grandparents divorced before I was born, but they got back tougher when I was about four-teen or so. While I lived with my grandparents they did not go to church, but they knew God. They were happy and loved each other. My parents, after I moved out, grew to hate each other. My dad was a drunk my mom took lots of prescription drugs. They did not last long after I moved. They divorced after twenty-two years of marriage.

My dad got depressed after the divorce. The beer became his best friend, and no one could get through to him he was killing his self. His health got so bad they put him on social security. We did not think he would make it another year. My brothers and I loved him but we could not get it through his head he had something to live for. We made the hardest decision, and we ended contact with him. I cried for days. Then one day he found an old friend we went to church with many years back, and she was the best thing that ever happened to my dad. She brought him back to God and his health got better, he went back to work and he became happy once more. My brothers and I gave up on him but God did not. At the time was not that close to God and I did not ask God for help. My dad’s friend knew God well and she asked for his help. My dad married her and I haven’t seen him this happy in years. My dad and my step-mom know God and they have a great marriage.

My mom started going out with different men and she was not happy with herself. She married a man that she had met at her work. They played it off like they were happy but something just was not right. My step-dad was a great man, he helped my brothers and me a lot. He cared for us and he cared for our mom. One day my mom and step-dad started fighting. Something was just not right. Then I found out that they were using drugs. It hurt my brothers and I to find out that our mom was on drugs and we felt like we were not important to her anymore. Our mom was our best friend, but now she was on drugs and the drugs were her best friend. Their money ran out and the problems started to grow. Now my mom lives in a little travel trailer, and she is off drugs but my step-dad in on trial for murder. They never had God in their marriage.

My oldest brother is a great guy. He married one of my wife’s friends. They had two little boys. They were married for a few years and then they got a divorce. Now he is insecure about himself, and has three or four different girlfriends and I can tell he is not happy. I love my brother, and I pray that he finds God soon, so he can be happy. I know when he finds God he will be happy, and then he will settle down and maybe get in a healthy relationship. He has a warm heart and is a great person. It hurts me that he is not happy.

My other brother is also a warm hearted man. He is the most protective of all three of us. He looks out for his brothers. He is truly one of my best friends, but I’ll get to that. He was married to a woman that he had three kids with. Their marriage ended after an infidelity issue. He now is married to a great woman. She is the best woman for him. They love each other, but they don’t have God in their marriage. They are having financial problems, he is out of work. She runs a paper route. I know if they would open there hearts they would find the answer to all their problems. I pray they find God so they stay happy. They are truly good people.

In December of 1999 my grandfather that I lived with, was diagnosed with brain cancer. I was devastated to find out the doctors could not do anything for him. God called him home February 24th 2000. I was heartbroken and felt alone. I miss him and can’t wait to see him again. We had his funeral on the 28th. Some Neighbors down the road sent some food to us after his funeral. I had only met one person that lived there. She seemed to be a nice person, and she is, and I took her bowls that she sent the food in back on the 29th. She answered the door and I handed her the bowels. She told me to wait; she wanted me to meet her granddaughter. She brought her to the door, and introduced her as Amanda. Amanda looked to be close to my age, and she was cute. I was not looking for any relationship, my grandfather just passed away. We started to talk and she became a good friend to me. We had lots of things in common, so she became my girlfriend. Then she became my wife. We have been married seven years now, and have seen a lot of things.

We never had much money but we had love. We also, at first, had God. Then we fell back from God a few years ago, and I started to drink. That’s when the problems started. There were times we would fight like my parents did. We would always work through them. Then we started to go back to church, because she wanted us to. We tried for three years to have a baby we prayed and prayed. Then my wife got pregnant with our little girl. She was born in May of 2005. I love that little girl. God had answered my prayers. I found a good job and we bought our first real home, not a mobile home, things were good. We went to church off and on for a while. I got what I wanted, I was done with God. I did not think I needed him anymore. My heart was not in to God, it was in my life and what I wanted. I was a fake Christian. Do you know what that is? Well, it’s a person that puts on a show for people and quotes the Bible to make them look good. That was me.

To everyone I was a good person; really I was good at deceiving people. I told people how to live their lives and told them they need God. When it came down to it I was the one that needed God. He put me here for a reason and gave me everything I asked for. I did not do anything that he asked me to do. That’s when things started going bad. My wife got pregnant again and I was on top of the world in my mind. Then she started having problems with the baby, and she lost it. I feel it was my fault she lost it, I pushed God away. It is my fault she never got to hold her baby. I will live with that on my shoulders for now on. I have a kennel that at one time made money. God made me that money and then he showed me he could take it back. My dogs started dying off and it was one thing after another. My kennel started falling apart and he took it all back. If used him to get what I wanted and when he called on me I turned my back. Then things started to get worse. I started smoking pot. It made me feel good. I smoked for a while, then the money went away, but I could still get the pot any time I needed. December of 2007 I started to have health problems and went into the hospital for a while. We had saved no money for Christmas. Things were looking like our little girl was going to do without that year. My wife and I started to pray for help and I was sorry for turning my back. Things started to look better. God forgave me and he provides us with enough money to pay our bill and buy gifts for our little girl. We got money in the mail; we got money given to us from her work, and family. I was thankful for a while, but the same thing happened again I got what I wanted and then I turned my back on God. I stopped praying and that was it.

Don’t things could get any worse; yeah that’s what I though. Things got really bad. I was making good money again, but we never had any money. I did not how a family of three could spend over sixty thousand dollars in one year, and not pay any bills. House payment was very little, utilities were very little and car payment was small. Even that the bills were very little we never paid them. Electric and water was always getting turned off. We just spent it as fast as we got it. I had become a fake christen again, that’s why. They came and got the car, foreclosed on our home, and we had to live with my mother-in-law.

At that point I thought things could not get worse. I smoked more pot every day. I became the worst fake Christian I have ever been. I started to preach to people 1st Peter 5:7, if you don’t know what it is look it up in the Bible. You will be shocked!

Things got at its worst at this point. I had already lost a baby, a car, a house, and my good job. So I blamed God on all my problems, not thinking it was not him who turned his back, it was me. See where I’m going with this. The pot got to be a need, now it was a rock I could hide under. I did not talk to my wife; I hid in my house, and just ran a paper rout a night. The hard part to tell is the next part. I drove my wife so far away from me; she had to turn to the internet to find someone to talk to. She was looking for a friend to talk to. She found one, which would hear what she would say. When she talks to me, I did not hear her needs. The friend she found was a male. He told her he cared for her, so she started to care for him. They talked for three weeks before I found out. But it was too late she thought she had already lost me. She felt so alone, she was driven to do something she regretted. Even though she had never met him in person and she never slept with him, he still deceived her in to doing other things she was not proud of at all. She immediately felt it was wrong and it ended. I feel bad that I pushed her to do that. She felt guilty and she told me after she had lied to me about it. That tells me she still loves me. We are working on our problems, and we will work them out. I love her and I forgive her. I hope she will find it in her heart to forgive me some day for what I have done to our lives. Most important I need God in my life for good. I will never turn my back on him ever again. I hope you find God, if you don’t already know him. Please don’t make the same mistake as me, don’t be a fake Christian. Thank you spending your time reading this. God bless you!

The worst did not come out until after this letter. God is helping us through all this – god has given me a verse to get me by you should look it up. James 5:16 god is great!!!!!

3 Comments

  1. Mpume 8/15/2009
  2. payth 7/23/2010
  3. catherine 4/22/2011

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