A Mothers Choice: Sell Her Body or Keep Her Baby?

I was a high-class escort sex industry worker making $160,000 back in the late 80’s and early 90’s. I never worked on the streets. My clients consisted of wealthy professional men at villas, elaborate homes and expensive hotels. I carried a pager to conduct my business. This was during the time when the Internet wasn’t born.

At $160,000 a year, I should have been able to support my son and I just fine. Abortion was never an option. I never considered adoption either. Though I didn’t know who the father was, nothing would ever separate me from my baby. I knew inside I would be the type of mom that would be overprotective. I had our whole lives planned out. I could be that career woman and have it all. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

My journey began when I was 17. My Step-father had introduced me. He was 57. He told me I was going to become a model. He told me lies and I believed him. He gave me a fancy new car, a condo and anything money could buy, but I never saw the cash. In turn, he was taking my money and profiting off of my destruction.

After a few years, I escaped only to find myself back in the escort industry. I wanted to independent. My world became about MY wants, MY life, Me. Me. Me.

During that time, was when I became pregnant and gave birth to my son, Conner. I really loved him, even more than myself. My new boyfriend and I had painted this naïve picture that we would move from Florida to Illinois and be one big happy family while I remained in the escort service. I left Conner with a babysitter one evening, and I was called out to see a client who was in a beautiful high-rise hotel.

Unknowingly, the hotel room was set up with private cameras and undercover police officers. That’s when my life turned into something I never expected. What a shock it was to be escorted in handcuffs through the hotel lobby. At the time, I didn’t consider myself a prostitute, but the truth was– it was still a form of prostitution.

Ending up in jail wasn’t supposed to happen. But no sweat, I thought, it was my first offense. You see, a first offense in the USA is considered a minor misdemeanor. I should have been out in four hours. I repeat: four hours. But that never happened. Four hours turned into ten, then twenty-four, then two days, then three, then four. I was given no water to drink, not even a sip! I was cold. I wasn’t given a blanket, and I slept on a hard wooden-like bench.

I will never forget that third night. You see, by the time that night came, I really believed that I was never going to get out, and I thought I was going to die from dehydration. I knew something wrong was going on behind the system, but there was obviously nothing that I could do about it.

For four frantic days, all I knew was that my son was at the babysitters. All I could I do was feel completely hopeless over my situation. I just wanted to hold him one more time and tell him how sorry I was for being such a horrible mother.

I thought that was where my life had ended. But that was where my life began.

God knew what it would take to break me and bring me to my knees with my eyes lifted up toward Heaven. I never felt loved by my biological father, and my stepfather made me a prostitute. But that night, when I got down on my knees, with tears streaming down my face; no longer in denial and humble before God, for the first time I knew the love of a real Father. It was the next morning, the 4th day a miracle had happened, and I was finally released.

I chose the road that led me into that jail. God chose the road that led me out. While God could forgive me, my journey was far from over. That situation, the lifestyle, and my inability to make mature decisions is what eventually led to my worst fear: do I continue my lifestyle in the escort industry and risk getting arrested again? Or do choose a better life than what I could provide for my son? I had no one to help me; not even anyone in my family. I had no job training skills.

His babysitter knew of my lifestyle. And after several coercing attempts, I agreed to let her adopt him. I never wanted to surrender him, but I lacked the resources and confidence to do otherwise.

Every day since I signed those papers, I learned that going to jail was the easy part. Living without my son was like drowning under water, feeling like I could never get up to breathe for air. I may have been released, but I would never be released of the separation trauma I experienced.

I could still hear his cries in my dreams at night. I could still smell the scent of baby lotion on some of his items. I truly knew how God felt when he looked down from the sky and saw his son laying in a manger, knowing that he would die on the cross, just so that I might have a better life. I had a lifetime to be reminded of it.

After that event, I worked at a telemarketing job that only paid $6 an hour. I hated it, but I had to start somewhere. It’s now been 20+ years and I’ve never returned to escorting since. Now I have a relationship with God. I am now 43.

Through the years, I have amassed a stable work history in the past as a Technical Lead Specialist with promotions into other departments. I have kept a box of baby items with photos and memories of Conner in my closet. Every once in a while, I still take them out to look at them. I am married to my best friend now 18 years with 3 great kids. I am now a homemaker. It sure feels great to have only one man who is loyal and truly loves me through every season in my life.

When I reflect back, I can’t believe that another person was me. But it WAS me! God took the money, the pain, the broken dreams and dead-end streets and turned them into rainbows. If God could forgive me and take me from where I came from, he could do it for you to. If you bring all your trash to Jesus, He’ll take it and turn it into something good. It doesn’t matter how bad you think your trash smells, whatever you’ve done, or whether you think you deserve it or not, He’ll clean it up and give you a whole new life.

The Bible says that “all of us have sinned and fall short of God’s glory. Because Jesus came as our sacrifice, He freely accepts us and sets us free from our sins” (Romans 3:23-24 CEM).

The Bible also says that “if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9 NIV).

Jesus says, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes through the father except through me.”

All you have to do, is ASK.