You Were Made for So Much More Than This

As a young child, I was taken to church most Sundays and Wednesdays, and I was baptized at the age of 12. But behind closed doors, life looked a lot different for me than it did at church. I experienced a lot of psychological, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. It affected me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It affected me deeply and still does today at age 30.

Without getting into too much detail for the sake of others involved, I’ll just say that I started self-harming, having suicidal thoughts, dealing with a lot of anxiety, and developing different behavioral issues. I also started becoming very interested in finding “love” outside of the home.

During my 8th grade school year, my biological father ended up getting custody of me. Living with him was a lot healthier for me, and I ended up going to a couple of different Christian schools during those years. Around that time, I also lost my grandparents about a year apart from each other, and that took a huge toll on me.
The world started luring me in very quickly, and I was still searching for love and attention in boys to try to fill the huge hole in my heart that had been there since childhood.

When I was 15, I got a blood clot in my left leg. My left leg was probably three times the size of my right leg. My dad tried to get me to go to the hospital that night, but me being stubborn, I refused and promised him I would go in the morning if it was still bad. Well, it was. They had to rush me into two emergency operations. Obviously, I’m still here to write this. Thank You, God.

Trauma affected me in different ways over the years, and as a teenager I became extremely impulsive and wild. I went down a very dark spiral of partying, drinking, smoking, and turning to people for “love.” I lived a very promiscuous life.

For years, I was going through life trying to fill this void inside of me while also running from myself, my emotions, and my past. Alcohol became an even worse problem for me once I reached legal drinking age. The bar became my go-to place. I didn’t know limits, and honestly, I didn’t care. I would drink until I literally couldn’t anymore.

After a while of the heavy drinking and smoking, my anxiety got even worse. It spiked more than it ever had before. I started getting sick, and I developed psoriasis. It started as a small patch on my knee, but over time it spread.
During this time in my life, I was pretty much house-bound for almost a year. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. My heart rate was staying in the 100s daily, I was throwing up almost everything I ate, and I lost 20–30 pounds in a very short amount of time.

I became extremely isolated and depressed. I started cutting again. I was depressed and suicidal.

During that time, I ended up creating a mental health support group. I found comfort in helping others and meeting people who struggled with their mental health too.

But one thing I remember so vividly during that time was a voice that came to me randomly, almost like a thought. It said,

“You were made for so much more than this.”

I remember feeling confused when that happened because I never really knew God. I only knew what I had been taught growing up. I hadn’t even thought about God or prayed in I don’t know how long, as sad as that is to say.

Eventually, I started getting out of the house again after starting a relationship with a guy. At first, he would come see me at home, but eventually I was able to move in with him. My anxiety was still there, but it lessened for a while. I was still drinking, but I stopped going to the bars as much while I was with him.

We eventually split up, and over the years I continued the same cycle – dating guys and then eventually breaking up. I was unhealed and hurting them, and most of them were also very toxic and unfaithful.

Then after another really toxic relationship, I got a friend request on Facebook from a guy named Bradley who was mutual friends with one of my best friends. I accepted it. One day he messaged me just to check on me, and we started talking. We clicked right away.

He lived a couple of hours away and didn’t have a legal vehicle at the time, so I was worried about that. But we had the privilege of falling in love before we ever even met.

He was different, and in my heart, I really felt like this was it. He was it.
Eventually we were able to meet, and he ended up moving into the hotel I was staying in with me. He got a job, and life began for us.

I was still smoking during that time, but I had slowed down a lot on the drinking. As time went by, we were able to get his vehicle down there and get it legal. We eventually moved to another city into a very small studio apartment in a rough area. It wasn’t much, but it was ours, and it was cheaper.

During that time, I saw a Facebook friend post that an after-school care program was hiring. I used to go there as a kid, and I really wanted the job. I applied, interviewed, and ended up getting it.

The problem was that this brought back a lot of old memories. The elementary school I went to was right across the road, and my childhood home wasn’t far either. I could walk from the school to the house in just a few minutes, and I did that a lot as a kid.

Also, the after-school care program was actually inside a church building. Landing this job is what finally pushed me to stop smoking after years of trying and repeatedly failing. This was the time it stuck.

It also mattered to me that I was going to be working for a church, and a lot of my Facebook content didn’t really align with that. I remember going through and deleting a lot of stuff to try to “clean myself up.” During that time, I slowly started caring again about how I represented myself as a person.

I think at some point, being back in a church triggered something within me that I hadn’t felt in a long time… or honestly, maybe ever?

I remember one day Bradley (who is now my husband) and I were sitting on the river fishing, and I suddenly felt this overwhelming sense that God was calling me back to Him. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I felt it. I knew it.

That was really the starting point for me. That moment. That knowing. I didn’t drastically change overnight, though. It took time and a lot of small steps forward. But when we moved again into our second apartment, that’s when my faith and my relationship with God really started to take off.

The way we ended up getting that apartment honestly felt like God Himself had it prepared for us in His perfect timing. Once we moved in, I really started seeking Him wholeheartedly. I began experiencing things that some people might call “random” or just coincidence, but deep down I knew I was encountering God.

Life now? To be honest, it’s still rough sometimes. I’m still walking through this healing journey with God, learning to let go of fear and hold on to faith.
Some days I’m doing great. Other days I feel like I’m falling down again. But every day, I have the love of my Father.

I have never experienced peace or love like the peace and love I’ve found in Him. And I know this isn’t the end of my story. He is still working on me. Even when I can’t see the plan ahead, I know who is in control of it.

And ya know, looking back now, I can’t help but think about the moment years ago when I heard that voice say, “You were made for so much more than this.” At the time I didn’t understand it. Now I know it was God calling me back even then and reminding me that my story wasn’t over.