I was raised in a strong christian family my dad a pastor, i went to church every sunday without question and LOVED it! me and god had a great relationship. upuntil i hit around 11 or 12 and my eyes where opened to the world. At first i started to rebel against my parents big time so much so i began to spiral out of their control, i would wake up in the morning put on skimpy clothes and wear a big coat over it take it off in school then have it back on when my parents came to collect me, i would run away from home if i wasnt aloud out, i would scream horrible things at my parents if i didnt get my way. i would do the things everyone else was doin even though i knew it was wrong i just wanted to fit in i was sick of being ”the weird church going preachers kid” not self proclaimed, what others would label me as! i was still going to church at this stage physically, but mentally could not of been farther away. the block between me and god had gotten so big because of my sin. and me really not wanting to have anything to do with him, all i wanted was what the world had to offer me. I then went on to secondary school where things just got worse, studys werent my main concern but BOYS where oh the attention i craved from boys and got was what really lead me astray from god, i thought why be walking with god when this boy can make me feel ontop of the world by telling me he loved me and holding my hand. the feeling from the attention off boys that i got was like no other feeling and i just wanted more of it!
then as the years went by i stopped going to church, i started drinking quiet heavily with my friends, the boyfriends started acumulating, i would run away from home all the time and switch my phone off not telling my parents where i was going have them worried sick but not care less. it was all such a thrill to me i had distanced myself SO far away from god that i could not feel that empty aching allways needing more feeling. i was loving the world to much to feel it. and then around the summer before i went into 4th year it hit me that feeling, the feeling of being away from god the empty needing more than i had feeling was there, then i was introduced to weed and it numbed the pain i was feeling i used to say to my friends how life was better when i was stoned and it was because when i was high i was numb to gods calls to me. i started going out all the time to clubs with my friends had a long term serious boyfriend which came with sex outside marrige. after 4th year that summer i was smoking weed heavily after the summer school time came around and i just couldnt get back into studying my head was so mashed from all the weed so i left school and became a waitress giving me plenty of money to spend on what i wanted. that winter before the media started noticing the bad behind these legal drug shops called headstores,me and my friends where regular customers. there was an epidemic amongst me and my friends we started taking this stuff called blow it got so bad some of us would take it during the day as well as when we where going out at night, we where all hooked! when blow was good it was good but when it was bad OOOhh was it bad, remember what comes up must come down and when i came down was when that aching empty void inside me really kicked in, so all i wanted to do was get higher, and get higher is what i did! blow and most everything else in the headstores where eventually made illegal so we had to start moving onto the illegal harder drugs. e.g ecstasy and cocaine, we all became such manipulators and liars to our poor parents no1s parents knew what we were up to, we all learned to be unbelieviably good at hiding everything from them.
as the thrill wore away more and more everyday The abuse i had learned to LOVE with all my heart just became a means of numbing that pain i felt being away from god. i rmember one of the first times he called me to him and i was still in my long term relationship but i was at nearly rock bottom i told a very strong passionate christian friend of mine that god was calling me and i knew i needed to go back to him but remember telling her it was either all or nothing i knew i had to walk away from my intire life as i knew it al this stage because if i didnt even if i was wlaking with god i would slowly but surely go back into my old ways because and me and god would be equally as far away from eachuther as we where before because i was simply far to weak. me and my friend had lengthy discusions about god, she was unbelievably encouraging and helpful. And me and god where doing well but then i fell because i couldnt give up my empty abuse loving life!
then me and my long term boyfriend broke up because that void i was feeling that only god could fill was just eating at me and ultimately ruined our relationship because i couldnt tell him what really was wrong because he wouldnt have understood. so that ended and i continued leading my empty life until god reallly started a work in me, all my friends where doing there leaving cert so i was seeing less and less of them then my ex came back into my life and we started seeing each other again and i felt void filled again with a 2nd chance with my ex i remmeber thinking now il be happy again if i try my hardest to do antyhing but to let this relationship crumble and thats what i did, and god saw that and knew at that time what stood between him and me was this boyfriend that my feelings towards him where begining to get so strong again it had to be broken and thats what hapened he broke me down to absolute rock bottom where i just cryed out for the lord was in so much pain i would do anything to be walking with him again.
so i gave my relationship with my boyfriend to god, i gave up my relationships with all my friends to god, i gave my old life to him! and am now on the road to restoration with the lord, and my family! he has showed me more love and given me such a peace, that i cant remember feeling before. He has given me an amazing suportive encouraging sister in christ who i mentioned earlyer who god has really spoke through and who i wouldnt of been able to do this without. he shows me day after day blessing after blessing how good and real and there that he is he has filled my void! he has given me hope he has givin me a reason to live!he is my father and i pray i will never walk away from my father again because life without him in me is a worthless aimless hopless sad depraved life the complete oposite of how i feel with him now :) :) praise the lord!!!!