Limited Love vs Endless Love

Excuse my english everyone, lol.

Although I didn’t grow up in a religious home, I knew I believed in God. Even though I didn’t practice Christianity and didn’t belong to a church, I knew that I believed in God. My belief in God gave me confidence and courage to do many things, good and bad. I would do risky things and put myself in somewhat dangerous situation then convince myself that God “wouldn’t allow me to die like this”.

Now that I look back, it was very twisted on my part. That mentality stayed with me until I actually found God lol. However, I always showed signs of the gift of prophecy. I would dream about things before it would happen, I would foreshadow many things and they would come true. Being so young I didn’t think much of it but I recognized that I was different from others.

Growing up, I was exposed to many things. My parents would always argue and fight physically. My father’s constant cheating habits were never unnoticed. I remember vividly, him bringing me to his mistress home while my mom just gave birth to my little sister at the hospital. Seeing my father cheating habits, I believe initiated my hate towards men. I always had that ideology that all men were dogs and that women must find the one “dog” she likes and “try” to train him. I use to look down on my mother, and I thought she was weak and foolish for always taking my father back. I lost respect for her but it truly manifested during my teenage years.

My parents would neglect their responsibilities and always travel to Ivory Coast. They would leave us for 6-9 months at times to handle “business”. It was usually that one would go and the other stay, or at times both would travel and leave us with family friends. That inconsistency from my parents lead me to latch on to my friends since they were somewhat consistent. Because I thought my friends would “fill” the void, I would allow certain people to take advantage of me and stay in bad friendships.

In my household there was that culture of the child being submissive and not talk back to the parents and taking on many responsibilities because you’re the oldest. There wasn’t really a relationship with my parents. I would say I didn’t really have a childhood, I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers, birthday parties sometimes & after school activities. I spent most of my time taking care of my siblings. For that, I had a lot of anger towards my mother and blamed her for a lot of things.

Although my family situation wasn’t great compared to my friends, my parents still managed to always give me what I wanted. Especially my father, I guess that’s why I would take my anger out on my mother and was so blinded to my father’s wrongdoing. I learned very early on how to manipulate and control others. I was very clever as well so my parents always fighting made it easy for me to get what I wanted from them. So, I had a manipulative and controlling nature in me in which later on I used to my advantage on men.

Although I did have this nature, I have always been a hypersensitive person but would camouflage it with this sassy/confident behavior. But inside I was sad, lonely and empty. I remember, always feeling so alone as a child and crying now knowing why. However, I was well known in my high school and had so many friends. I was also very resentful, vengeful & secretive as a child and throughout my adolescent. My memory has always been sharp so it was like I would keep folders on everyone. The things they did or said to me that offended me was always in the back of my mind. So in a way I didn’t really have forgiveness ether. On top of everything, I was always suppressing my feelings and not talking about things. That lead me to this habit of always assuming things which usually are more negative than positive about others.

The more I got older, the more I noticed the attention I received from guys. I looked older than my age so starting from the age of 11, I was already enjoying teasing guys. I enjoyed the manipulating and controlling aspect of it. I also enjoyed the embarrassment of the guy when he found out I wasn’t being serious and just playing mind games. The teasing started off only verbal until I got older.

I started hanging out with some bad friends when I was 13 years old. They lived a complete opposite life than me. However, I enjoyed being a part of the “badass” life which for them was not going to high school, smoking, parties, fights. I wasn’t easily influenced but I was rather curious of what it felt like to live like this.

I started smoking weed from time to time, got my first tattoo when I was 14, I would go back and forth, and it became kind of a place where I could escape from reality. But everything has it consequences, being there I would experience discrimination and disrespect. But since they didn’t respect each other ether I looked past it. As for the discrimination, I also looked past it because I told myself they were talking from an ignorant perspective since they didn’t finish school and that regardless I was doing better than them.

I also experienced molestation from a guy who was way older than me but only realized it was molestation years after. Since it was a place I knew I could always escape to, I endured and looked past many things. The friendships also prolonged into my adulthood however, the older I became, the less I tolerant certain things that I use to accept in the past. I also realized that while I was evolving they weren’t therefore the friendship eventually died out.

In 2010, my mom, siblings and I got evicted from our home. My father had spent almost 2 years in Ivory Coast neglecting his responsibilities per usual when it happened. There was even a rumor of him getting married to another woman in which was pregnant by him. That lead my family to move into a family shelter and spent almost 10 months before my mother got her place a.k.a government housing. The drastic changed in my life lead me to experience a turning point, and it humbled me extremely!

So many things happened, my freedom was limited, I wasn’t as popular, my mom couldn’t give me everything I wanted like before, my father came back into our lives and my mother allowed him, I lost my childhood best friends, so many things. Not to mention before the eviction, during the 2 years my father left, my family endured many struggles. Such as the heater being cut off, no hot water at times and times the electricity was cut off. I can’t forget the day my mother was arrested because my father had allowed someone to use our basement to grow weed. The landlord had called the cops because we weren’t paying rent but he and my Father knew what was going on downstairs.

Seeing my mother befriend men so she can use them whether it was to get rides to the grocery store, bring us food when the electricity was cut, mow our lawn anything she needed help with. There was a different men coming in and out of our lives because things would end when my mom would refuse to sleep or be with them. Seeing that at a young age made me think that all men are pigs and added on my hate towards men.

As years went by, my parent continued travelling abroad and leaving us with family friends. When my mother would be the one travelling, my father would be cheating on my mom. At times, he would go as far as neglecting my siblings and I. During high school I started acting out and spending as much time I could with friends but still managed to graduate from high school.

I wasn’t happy, I felt more alone than ever, sometimes I would find comfort in weed but it would just make me overthink more. I told myself that when I’m 20 years old I do not want to be the same person I was in my teen years. My experience lead me to wanting to become a social service worker therefore I enrolled in the social service program in college. The SSW program really made me aware of inequalities, oppression and lead me to be more proud of my African roots.

Being 18 and in college, I had more freedom and I truly thought I was grown. My father ways truly had an impact on me and I was even more upset with my mother that she kept leaving us with him when she knew that he was irresponsible. I went through depression for a few months and almost failed a semester. I would no longer only teased men but I started using men. I would use my virginity to manipulate them and perceive myself as a naïve 18 years old. I would receive oral sex from them then cut them off afterwards. I would also throw it in their faces to humiliate them.

Ironically, after doing all these sinful acts, I would come home and “pray” and say “Please God forgive for my sin today and thank you for everything”. Saying those lines, would bring me comfort for some reason. Afterwards, I started hanging out with gays and lesbians, going to gay clubs. I think I even started to believe I am bisexual…

I planned to visit my aunt in France after I graduated from college so I was networking trying to find guys and girls from France who would show me a good time. I was talking to this one guy and we would talk every day. He was a Christian and he would give me advise about my family situations and life. He was so different from the guys I’ve met. He was so passionate about Jesus, and knew the bible so well. I admired the love he had for God and I also wanted that. I was already considering getting baptized so I can have a clean start after college. So meeting him for me was like a sign.

But I was still living my reckless life, when I finished college my parent paid for my ticket to spent 5 weeks with my aunt in Lyon, France. I knew she was religious but I thought I can be clever and still go out and party. However, I wanted to get baptized at the end of my trip so I could still experience the party life in Lyon. I told my aunt that I wanted to get baptize later on and she rejoice with excitement and told me that she would arranged it for me asap!

I got baptized the following week and afterwards I was worried because now God “knows me” (but actually he knew me even before I was born lol). I was asking myself if I could truly change my ways and be “good”. The duration of my trip, I had experienced many supernatural things as well as deliverances. Unfortunately, I was more religious than actually saved. I was doing things because I had to and not because I want to. When I came back to Toronto, I developed this “holier than thou” attitude. I messaged all my friends telling them they will go to hell if they don’t change their lives & I would somewhat look down on my family because they didn’t have God like I did.

October 2015, I attended a week long Christian conference by TV2vie. The first day of the conference, the speaker spoke about God’s love. He said:

“You can’t say you love God and have hate for someone.”

That single phrase convicted me of the state of my heart. I was sitting in that conference room thinking I’m right with God with so much anger for my parents and grandmother in my heart. I cried and repented to Jesus, and truly gave my heart and life to him. The following days of the conference, I learned about Jesus, sanctification and how important is the personal relationship with him and not church or man. During that week the Lord healed my heart and revealed himself to me as my Father and I truly received the Holy Spirit.

Since then, my mentality and life changed. I forgave my parent and grandmother, I started doing things because I wanted to and not because I have too, I no longer feel empty nor lonely and I am truly happy. Although I regret my past life, I realized that God allows us to go through things so that we can use our testimony to relate with others. I was so damaged emotionally, mentally and spiritually but Jesus came into my life and resurrected me from the dead.