Well, I think I wanted to share a bit of my testimony. My parents were both divorced when I was 5, so it was actually easier that it was when I was younger, and my mum, my sister and I moved away and I went to a different school etc. My mum and her side are all Christians, but my dad’s side aren’t, so that’s what makes it harder I guess, as your torn between two sides.
I became a Christian when I was 11, and honestly sometimes the biggest thing I struggle with is the fact that I don’t always feel like I have the best testimony as everyone has gone through something that dramatically turned them to Christ, whereas I was just brought up like that. But before I was a Christian, I do remember being quite insecure, as my mother had a lot of different boyfriends, and I was always angry and hurt because I felt replaced. But after I became a Christian, I still had to deal with a lot.
When I hit year 7, I think that was the major turning point in my life. I didn’t fit in to school because I was the Christian girl who was shy. I was bullied a lot and I was sad a lot too because I felt so insecure. Every day I wanted to just get away from primary school. But in the later years, those girls that were so catty at me, actually changed their demeanor and were nice to me in high school. Although we went to different high schools. One of those girls actually became friends with me in school and to this day she is now a Christian and holding charity concerts.
So, in these high school years, I learnt a lot about myself and went in and out of groups. Being a tomboy, then in with a bunch of girls who became too catty, then finding a good group of friends to hang out with that kept to themselves. In year 9 I think, my dad dated a lady with 3 daughters, and it was really hard at first, getting to know them all. I hated his girlfriend, because she was blonde, and fake, but I eventually warmed up to her. That was before she dumped him though. She was his fiancé, and she was cheating on him, and it was hard for us because dad was a wreck.
I have never been close to my dad, so I had no idea what to say. Since my childhood, my dad has neglected me my whole life, so I even thought that he deserved what had happened to him. When I was 15, I lost one of my close friends. He died from a brain hemorrhage, and it was such a shock to me and everyone. That was one of the most tragic things to happen in my life, and really stuck out as such a spiritual event in my life. The first funeral to attend and all my emotions were going crazy. I was a mess for a while.
My first boyfriend was when I was 16, and it only lasted 3 weeks. I felt pressured to date him and I learnt I will never date another guy I don’t have real feelings for after that. In that same year. I met an amazing French guy online mistakenly on a music forum. And got chatting. I talked to him for a year, and we grew really close. It was like a fairytale. We were making plans for him to visit me in Australia even. But it wasn’t meant to be. I left for Vietnam for a month, and he found another girl.
When I came back home, I was devastated and my whole life was turned upside down. I was moving houses and moving schools in my final year. I found it a little hard to fit in at first, and later was just angry because of the breakup that I cut myself and ran away from home a lot. I just used to walk for hours at night and then come home. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself from the cuts that I made up excuses for it and hated it when my classmates asked about it. I missed my friends so much that I moved back to my school and then settled right back in.
I finished school and then moved onto uni, and met this guy when i was 18 through an old friend from school. He and I hit it off straight away and spent every weekend together for 5 months. I really did fall hard for him. His family were becoming closer to me, and I had never been in a situation like that before. But good things mostly come to an end, as I went through one of the toughest times in my life when we stopped talking. The friendship was broken because of the friend that had come between us. She had depression and it really overtook both our lives and we were spiraling out of control.
It’s been a year and 3 months now since we have spoken, and every day since, I have wanted him back. But he has broken my heart, and I was left crying for months and months. But i am slowly and surely recovering, and I have become closer to God through this obstacle and have learnt that I have to focus on my relationship with him first before guys.
I am now 19, and recently a family friend passed from a stroke at 55. She was a sweet lady who let us house sit her home when we didn’t have a place to live, and I learnt a few things from her. It makes me a bit sad though to have seen her suffer on earth. It made me a lot guilty too when I was too afraid of seeing her like that, that I didn’t go to visit her for months, before I finally went in. It shocked me to see her so badly looking and unhealthy. I nearly cried right there in the hospital. But I know she is in heaven with the angels.
Lately I am still trying to see what God has in store for my future. I am still doubting, but I still have to be strong and have faith. I try to fast forward to the answers too much and get angry and upset when I don’t get it straight away, especially now when I’m at uni and have no idea what to do when I leave. But I know God has a plan, just like he has helped me in the past, through all these trials.