Lost Others to Intake Him more: Pray for me

My fiance dumped me a few days after my birthday and a month before our anniversary. I could not believe coz he had promised me in Jesus name he would never break the marriage promise with me.

It started right after my losing opportunities of scholarships and being diagnosed with breast tumors. He told me i made me feel stressed and that we d better cut our relationship untill i could find a job near his town (we lived in a long distance and our relationship was almost online where we first met). Since he was the first man i fell in love with (at my 30 when i was sure it was not a crush) and i truly believed he was from God and he pretended he was a believer, I trusted him completely. I sent him many gifts on post and he never appreciated it. I did not expect anything in response coz giving him all i could was what “I” really enjoyed. The more i became sincere and attached, the more he acted coldly. But he played the game of “get it hard”. He kept me in a position to put him on a pedestal… He insulted me easily and quickly but never tolerated any sincere comment from me. I felt like a slave but i enjoyed it. I think it rooted in my abused childhood. He and i was virgins which made me believe he was The Only One for me. The more he ignored me and my feelings, the more i got close to Jesus. I had received Him as my lord 6 years ago. I am and i was completely in love with Jesus which my fiance got jealous. He could toy me easily. Made me believe he was in love with me, to keep me but did not do anything in practice for me which i never expected. But finally, when i told him i had two tumors, he started to hide and finally when i complained, he dumped me in the cruelest way.

Later, being left with tumors, joblesss, and broken God opened a door for me: an opportunity to study in a seminary which has been my only dream. To do that i must leave my family whom i truly love. Besides i would live near the ex who had advised me if i ever could reach his country, he would marry me right away!!! The Holy Spirit made me not tell him about this when he cammed me after a month apologizing for his behavior. Although i wrote him he was forgiven in Christ blood and i did not hold anything against him, which was the truth, i declined making up with him coz i could not trust him again. But honestly, once a day i miss him so much that i cry. I know it is over and he is not a man i can trust my future with. Beside God blessed me with a rare opportunity of studying His word. At the same time, i will be competely culture shocked in the new country and wont have my mom and sister, my prayer fellows, around me. I know it will be a leap of faith. I can stay here and be with my family. I can go there and ask my ex to come back and live with me just to fill the emptiness. Or i can completely trust God who is the only cure for the emptiness.

My mom and sister, no matter how sweet and strong in faith they are, are humans and would leave me at any moment (of death or marrying) as  we must live apart for my new study plan. My ex would dump me again for no reason as he did before when he came upon a small hardship. I know i can not reckon of his help (financial and love) at all for he had told me he would only support me emotionally (which he never did coz he relieved himself telling me he had anxiety disorder so when i had a problem he hid) But God never leaves or abondans us. Lord Jesus died for me to be able to talk with God through His blood and have a future in heaven. I know i must trust God and no one else. But sometimes (once a day) i really need to hear a man (my ex) voice and see his pretty face (he was a red with beautful blue eys and i am an average dark and short middle eastern type). Pray for me to get rid of this viocious curcle of missing my abusive ex and my kind mom and sister whose love and my attachment to them would prevent me to grow in Jesus and would make me ignore my calling of leaving my nest and safe home to live in a completely foreign country to study Him and build my independet life and ALL MY TRUST in GOD ONLY.

4 Comments

  1. Daniela 4/12/2011
  2. SummerLiketheSeason 4/16/2011
  3. Annie Grace 7/30/2011
  4. Gareth 10/31/2011

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