“I’m sorry, it’s incurable”
Once I heard those words leave the lips of my doctor I felt as if I was in a movie. She kept talking, but I couldn’t hear any of it. It was like her voice was drowned out by the impending thought that I’m dying from this. I couldn’t escape it. I couldn’t even feel enough to really cry. I just sat there with my mind going at 100 mph.
“Wait, what did you say I had again, herpes? Am I…Am I going to die? Can I still have babies?” I shocked myself by asking the second question. I was fearful of being a wife, let alone a mother. “Where did that question even come from?” I thought.
“No! You can live a completely normal life”, she assured me gently. ” But… you do have herpes simplex 1 & 2, simplex 2 being an STD for which there is no cure.”
I didn’t know much of anything about herpes and at that point I was still trying to figure out how exactly this would change my life.
“But, I just want to get rid of it”, I thought and not just this diagnosis, the feeling of shame and guilt that accompanied it. I had felt the same way 4 years ago from fornicating. I had repented. I was celibate, but now all of those tormenting feelings were back. I pulled myself together enough to leave the office and get in my car.
My mind was racing on the drive back home. I walked through the door and almost immediately I started crying to my roommate, Jazmine. “What happened?” she asked, she said I had herpes 1 & 2. I said as I was crying”.
She didn’t sound shocked. She just consoled me.
That day was hard for me. I put on a brave face, went to my closet and asked God to get me through today – I had a few hours before I was teaching bible study at my church.
I forced myself to think about everything but what the doctor had said. I tried to avoid it, but I couldn’t.
I didn’t want anyone to hug me during the greeting portion of that service. I didn’t want anyone to touch me at all.
I felt so dirty.
I wish I can tell you that I remember what I preached on that night but I can’t. It was all, and still is a blur.
I ended the message and put my mic down; I was shaking.
People thought I was nervous, but inside I was telling myself to hold it together until I got home.
“I went to the doctor today.” I told my Pastor that night. “She said…she said I have herpes”, I said trying to hold onto the diagnosis as long as I could. I knew once I spoke those words I couldn’t get them back and I was scared. I was scared that he would think of me, exactly what I felt; that I was dirty.
“Do you think…do you think I’m dirty? I feel dirty…”
“No!” He said, so assuredly. I felt relief. It was as if God was telling me the same thing in that moment, “you’re not dirty”. Even today, I am so grateful for his sincerity of that single word.
But that night and the next week I had trouble sleeping.
Again and again I traced what my gynecologist had told me. I had only had one sexual partner so I knew whom I had contracted it from. My memory jolted back to a year ago when he called me randomly to apologize for all the cheating, “you should have apologized for this – this is what matters!”
I Facebook stalked him.
He was engaged. And that, made me even more insecure. He had found what I was scared I couldn’t at this point-a spouse.
I didn’t want to have that conversation with my future husband that I may give you an STD if you sleep with me. That, if we have a baby there is still a chance that I may pass it along to them.
In the first few days after my diagnosis I had already planned several scenarios as to how the conversation would go; none of them satisfied me. Either my future husband would decide it was too hard to love me (a fear I had long before this doctor’s visit) or he would stick around and resent me.
To me, there was no other option and I couldn’t bear it.
A couple of weeks passed and I told my roommate Jazmine, “Don’t let me cry about this anymore”. “You can have one more week,” she said.
“No, I’m done crying.”
I knew I had to make a decision to trust that this God I had been reading about was the same God I prayed to daily.
It felt like I was starting over in a lot of ways.
I had to come to terms with some things:
- I wanted to be healed physically and emotionally
- God could heal me
- God wanted to heal me (which is so different than the second)
- This is an opportunity to trust God
- I wanted to be married and be a mom
So, I set out to believe those things; for God to convict me and remind me of those things even when I felt like they were untrue.
I struggled here, immensely. I had really good days and I had days where I cried silently looking at my computer screen at work.
I confessed. A lot.
In my closet I confessed my feelings. I told God to make me brave like He was; to help me. I needed Him to help me make His words my meditation. I needed Him to take me in so I could receive Him as my safe place.
I will bless the Lord who has counseled me; Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night. I have set the Lord continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will dwell securely. For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol;
Psalm 16:7-10 NASB
I had to learn how to think good when I felt bad. I had to learn not to be shaken when I felt like crumbling.
I kept going back into my closet even when I felt like His love had ran out.
I kept going back when I didn’t feel His presence.
Confess. Repent. Believe. Trust. Repeat.
Over and over again until it was solidified.
“Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction” ( Mark 5:34).
I kept hearing those words.
He was encouraging me to believe what appeared impossible. And, I wanted to be up for the challenge.
And then, one night at church there was a call for those who needed healing.
Even in this I struggled, “What will people think?”.
But, I went anyway. Even in this I repeated, “Confess. Repent. Believe. Trust”. It wasn’t about what people thought – it was about what God could do.
And so, my First Lady prayed for me. She already knew the issue- I had confessed to her the same night I had confessed to my Pastor. And she prayed for me, like she was praying for herself.
And, I had to believe. I had to believe God in that moment. But I still struggled. “Heal my unbelief God… I’m trying.” (Mark 9:24)
“Go back to the doctor 90 days from now”, God told me.
February 19, 2016, that was the day. I marked it in my phone.
The days in between that night and this past February demanded a lot of confessing, repenting, believing and trusting. But more than that, repeating each of these things.
I still struggled. I wish that I could write that I 100% believed all the time that God would heal me, but I can’t. I can say that I trusted Him more and that I believed Him more. But, I was shaky some days.
I had to press, I thought. I felt like the woman in Mark 5, the woman with the issue of blood. There was a issue with my blood-but I wasn’t close enough. I wasn’t pressing enough into Jesus like that woman was. I was still letting fear restrain me-I had to press more.
“For she thought, “If I just touch His garments, I will get well.
“And His disciples said to Him, “You see the crowd pressing in on You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’ And He looked around to see the woman who had done this. But the woman fearing and trembling, aware of what had happened to her, came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction.'”
Mark 5: 28; 31-34 NASB
That day, February 19, 2016 I went to a different gynecologist as the Lord had told me to do. I let them draw my blood and now it was time to wait the 1-2 weeks it takes to get your results back.
I got an email from them saying my results were clear from my pap smear. But what I needed to know was about the blood work. I called the office, “Yes, everything, including your blood work came back clear. You didn’t test positive for anything”.
I could not believe her words.
A part of me wanted to speak with someone else to confirm. But, I quickly silenced myself, “Is this not what you’ve prayed for?”
Too shocked to cry, I uttered. “Thank you. Thank you isn’t enough God, but thank you God…”
I remembered 4-5 months prior to that day when God gave me the title for this blog post. Before the doctor confirmed what was already done. “You’ve been faithful Lord, exceedingly faithful”, I thought.
He healed me, but more than just my body.
And so, I leave you with this.
Our experiences, no matter what may happen today or next month can make us better, more like God if we let them. He is faithful to move us to a place where we believe that the God we pray to is the same Jehovah Rapha (the God that heals us) that we read about. God, wants to heal you, but I believe He is more concerned about healing your heart than your perishable body. It’s your mind and heart that will cause you to spend eternity with Him.
Sometimes, we pray and ask for God’s glory to be revealed but do we really mean it? Are you willing to share what He has done? Or, will you hide the very encouragement that someone needs. There is a revealing that happens in you so that people can see the God you post about on Facebook. We cannot contain the big things He does to make our little lives worth talking about. We talk about everything else. Surely, His goodness is worth a shout out too 🙂
Lastly, He hears us.
Our high priest hears and knows the magnitude of our temptation to live in fear and intercedes for us. He has healed my body, but now, more importantly I see that He has touched my heart and my mind to believe and trust Him for what I would have considered impossible before.
For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:15-16 NASB
He is, in the business of making the impossible possible. No matter what your need is, no matter how bad you hurt. No matter what people or doctors say, He can make it possible. What is in your life that seems incurable know that He died for that too.
Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.
But He was pierced through for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.
Isaiah 53:4-5 NASB
As Jesus’ words “It is finished” left his lips, so is your healing – finished. Inwardly and outwardly He will heal you.
Keep confessing. Repenting. Believing. and Trusting. I promise it’s worth it.
Ash Jolene
Amen Amen. Happy are those who trust in the LORD. GLORY TO GOD.
Hebrews 11:3
“Through faith, we understand that the worlds were framed by the Word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which do appear”.
God said something before anything done (Genesis 1:3). God expects us to act like Him, calling into being , things that at the moment do not exist, as if, in fact, they exist ( Romans 4:17)
Faith is the substance of things hoped for. Be blessed for keeping your FAITH strong. AMEN
God bless you for you encouragement! Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing!!!!!! Just like you I went through the same exact thing with Herpes mine was simplex 2 I felt just like you. So I prayed repented and the Lord told me to look up post concerning healing and people who had been healed of this and I came across the one Pastor who will pray for you if you send him a request and he responded back to me through email with a mighty an awesome pray and from that moment I just knew the Lord healed me. I have not went back yet to the doctor for blood test but I will soon. Its really crazy an awesome I’m not even worried I know for a fact I’m healed! I use to have breakouts bad infact to be honest as crazy as it sounds I didnt even know what it was Iv been battling it for about 4 years I thought that I had picked up a fungus from the gym. My breakouts was at least 1 to 2 times a month I had no insurance for doctors but long story short I finally got to go to a dermatologist and that’s how I found out. Iv not had No signs of any kind of breakout in over 2 months I am so Thankful God is our Jehovah Rapah. He is still in the healing business!!! I feel like Jesus is giving me a second chance I feel so great and his healed me of all Shame an Quilt.. He heals an forgives and Loves us so much. To be totally healed and washed clean from something the doctors say is incurable….is something to Shout about. Dont we serve an amazing God. The thing is this he didnt heal us because we been so good only because of his Mercy and Grace. When we deserve punishment and death he shows up with Mercy and Love.Thank you for sharing ?
Blessings to you! I’m believing with you for a favorable report from your doctor! It’s already done!
Amen! Ash Jolene can u you contact me on my email? I would like for that same person to pray for me and for you to stabs with me in prayer. ann.1986marie at mail.m dot com
I just reviewed my email on the site and see that some errors are made. It’s ann.1986marie@mail.com hope to hear from you ashjoelene.
Or maybe I have to do it like this ann.1986marie at mail dot Com because I think when it’s moderated it have been change to something like that.. I really would like to speak to you on how you receive your healing and to get that Dane person prayed for me. I know God is real.
just emailed you!
Your testimony brought tears to my eyes. I grew up in church eventually got baptised then went to university. I backslided then found out I contracted herpes only yesterday. I didn’t even want to pray to God this morning because I was praying that all the tests would come back negative. I felt a blanket of depression come over me and I honestly just wanted to die. Nobody knows I couldn’t bare that weight. I read a testimony on this website that made me tear up, as it was about the same thing and that person was healed of their herpes. I then prayed to God asking him to heal me and rebuking the devil. I just read your testimony and tears have filled my eyes once again it has given me the strength to carry on and still trust in him. Thank you so much for your testimony!
So glad you are encouraged by reading this! Stay strong, persevere, keep hoping and believing in God. You will not be put to shame! Many blessings and strength to you!
This is so touching, please Ash Jolene email me here, i need you to help me. matshedisofako at gmail dot com.
hello, i’ve just emailed you 🙂
Hello everyone,
As I’m not sure everyone received my comments/ responses to emails please contact me on Twitter @ashjolene91 or message me on my blog at ash.jolene@blogspot.com
Love you dearly,
Ash Jolene
ashjolene.blogspot.com
***
Therefore there is now no condemnation [no guilty verdict, no punishment] for those who are in Christ Jesus [who believe in Him as personal Lord and Savior].
ROM 8:1 AMP
When I was in high school I played Baseball, had a part time job, help my mom clean houses and also did the Los Angeles Police Department explorer program. I was a busy young man and I did it for my mom who she raised me and my brother by herself.
When I graduated from High school I moved to Nevada Where I attended at Western Nevada College to earn my Associates of Arts Degree and playing baseball for my college team. During the winter training and off season I tore my Ulnar collateral ligament in my right elbow by throwing constantly and training hard to earn a spot on the team. My elbow gave out. Coach told me to get my surgery and rehab and that I would be able to pitch again.
I contacted my mom, my mom worked at Little sisters of the poor which is a catholic nursing home for the elderly. I asked her to add me on to her medical insurance so that I can get my surgery. Thank you Mama, she did it.
I started to attend at The Church of Christ where surprisingly I met the couple who me and my Mama cleaned their house. I did my bible studies with the brothers and did the learning of someday becoming a disciple. I made the choice and I did get baptized by the name of Jesus Christ. When I was baptized I was baptized with a sling because my prayers were answered that the procedure was done by a very good surgeon at UCLA orthopedics. His name is Dr. Gamradt.
Since my prayers were answered I was being persecuted. Persecuted by my family because my family raised me catholic. I cried and cried and at that point I gave up. I gave up and fell back into the world, where I lusted and sexual immortality took over my life.
As years went by I knew that I was missing something and that was my faith with God. I felt like I was a reserved disciple that sinned and party’d 90% of the time and my faith was just there. During a point in my life which was last year I need the lord in my life. I began to pray and read the word because baseball was a world of sin for me. I knew I had evil surrounding me because of all the bad things I’ve done. I was Veracruz Mexico where there is a lot of danger. Cartels, witch wizards, kidnappers Etc.
I prayed and prayed to keep my role however I felt really strange. I had the faith but I prayed while I was high from marijuana and Evil was still with me. The lord listens and the lord sees your actions because the lord had an eye on me and so did the evil one. The lord always took charge because when I was in need for comfort and care the lord was there. I saw the holy spirit right in front of my eyes at the baseball field where the white dove landed on 3rd base when I was scared and worried that I felt like I was going to be kidnapped or killed.
A coach of my mine who is a good guy tells me because he saw the worries in my eyes that everything is going to be ok. He said, “do you believe in god?” I said yes , “then you shouldn’t worry anymore because he sent you the holy spirit right there on 3rd base”. A few moments later I get a call from my mom she spoke to the man who was arranging somebody to kidnap me. The man who arranged for those things was the owner of the team. He is a good guy however he gets a lot of bad advice from bad people for him to keep his family safe because he is one respected dude in Mexico. He also had his evil ways however he is a family man. No one can contact him by phone from an unknown person and if that happens then there is trouble. He was really Surprised that my mom got in hold of him and was shocked.
Then I came to realize that the holy spirit was there at all times. The owner bought my plane ticket and flew me back to my family. This past year I was the same smoking weed praying and reading the word and also lusting and sexual immortality. I ended up getting a sore in my genitals this summer. My Dr. said that it would go away and that I won’t get it again.
Yes it disappeared, and yet I still continued to lust and was sexually active. I just noticed on Friday December 23 that the sore has appeared. I was depressed and I might have contacted to my recent partner and I still feel bad.
This morning I went to get tested for the first time in my life and what was going through my head was God please cure me, cure Me. Results came in negative for Hiv, Now I am waiting on the blood test for herpes and Syphilis. Ive been praying all day all night since Friday. I called my partner and notified her about my situation. She is also worried. im here at work reading these testimonies and they are helping me out and at the same time im texting my partner to not worry and to pray. I am a strong believer and I know that god has a ladder for me so I can climb up the wall of sin that ive been building.
I’ve been confessing and repenting and I will trust that lord will hear me. I understand that I have to be responsible to claim my healing and I know that I can. I can because I know deep inside me my spirit will overcome this battle. Ive given up smoking weed a month ago and I know that the lord is watching over me. I am 27 years old and my Name is Tony Guerra. Please pray for me. My email is tony3489 at gmail dot com
I will confess and repent and trust every day that I pray in the name of Jesus Christ I pray amen.
Thank you for this beautifully written testimony about how you were healed from the herpes virus. This story and others I read on here are amazing examples of how NOTHING is impossible for our perfect healer. What a beautiful example you and others are for sharing your healing stories- for using what the devil intended for destruction to be used for God’s glory!!!
I found myself awake tonight in the middle of the night battling in my heart feelings of anger and disappointment towards my father who I ASSUME but did not see kiss my son on the face recently when he had a major cold sore outbreak. Since his birth, I worried my son would contract the herpes virus from my father who has been getting sores more and more frequently on his lips. As of putting him to bed last night, my son did have blisters on his upper chin area. I just prayed for forgiveness for my father, confessed sin of anger and judgement and prayer for healing for my son. My innocent baby boy who I am confident will NOT be one day told he is diagnosed with the virus… will NOT be told the virus is laying dormant in his blood. I have to fully give this situation to The Lord. If not, it will tear me apart.
It pained me deeply last night to hear a 3 year old ask why he had the “boo boo” on his chin. It broke me to hear him cry yesterday about how he needed more medicine on the blisters because they pained him. I know God can heal him…… At this moment, I choose to believe that God HAS healed him! The pediatrician we saw yesterday thought very minimally of his blisters and downplayed my concern of him contracting the herpes virus, saying that kids commonly come across any of many herpes viruses. I wasn’t so sure yesterday when she said this is something that will not necessarily manifest throughout his life.
At this moment, I’m deciding to walk in Faith and in life. This CAN be something that never again plagues my son- through prayer and partnership with the Lord it IS something that won’t plague him!!! I believe that!
I humbly ask for prayer that God continues to heal my son of any and all illness. That one day my son will never know or remember the pain of a cold sore. That he can actually be told one day he tested negative for the herpes virus. That I can steadfastly let go of any bitterness towards my father. That I can forgive my father and not pass judgement upon him. That I won’t be angry at my mother for not telling me my dad was having a major outbreak the day he saw my son.
Like I said, I don’t know exactly what virus or infection is plaguing my son. I only pray that sin in my heart and mind do not get the best of me and that I do not blame and point fingers.
I deeply thank any of you for your prayers and support during this difficult time for me and my family. I am not trying to downplay a herpes diagnosis in any way, I just want to say that to put things in perspective of the spectrum of disease, we are well aware my son could be plagued by a life-threatening illnesses and we are SO thankful that is not the case!
I pray governments will prioritize herpes education and information… this disease should especially not plague children by being passed from adults who allow the child to be exposed while they have visible sores!!!
Thank you again, Ash Jolene. Please feel free to email me at apluvscats at aol dot com for further discussion.
If there’s anything I can pray for, please let me know.