In Isolation I’m not Alone

Hi,

I’m Paul (not my real name). I hope you doing well. I never experienced talking to another fellow Christian. Isolation is a shadow heavier than persecution.

Here, basically, conversion to Christianity is a death mark on your name. At best case scenario they put you in jail forever, demand unthinkable fines and bales. But usually, death by hanging. I just wanted to share my story with someone. I hope it reaches to right people – Here is my email “ix0y5 at onionmail dot org” (yes, I’m trying to be wise as serpents!). It means a lot if I receive anything from you. I just hope there be stable internet to read your reply. And I be alive to read it obviously.

I was born in a Muslim family, and I was one of them too. until age ~18. Something started to grow in me that needed truth. Constantly asking, “Is it the right thing?” – “Is it all the world’s about?” and etc.
So, I started deeply reading and researching about Islam, and it was not something that I can say to myself “Yes Islam is the truth”. So, I left that.

Secretly. And began my journey. Since age ~23 I was an Atheist. Basically, researching and practicing ancient western and eastern philosophies. I did not find the truth and could not answer me inner voices about truth.

Then I was a Satanist! it continued until age ~25. To no surprise there wasn’t any truth too. My inner voice did not leave me at any of those moments, and it was something that made me crazy. I was broken, mentally, spiritually, in an awful country to live in.

Some day at age 27, I was at home alone. Just walking and doing nothing – I was completely numb, ideologically, spiritually, emotionally – till I reached room’s window. It was noon. I felt a presence. Not something that I experienced before. Something HOLY. Something merciful. Something loving. Words cannot describe it. I knelt. Something was on fire in my soul. I wept.

At that time, I had no idea about Christian theology and terms, but I start saying

“Father forgive me… Father forgive me”,

while crying. I had no idea who was this “Father” I’m calling. I never practiced a religion or ideological framework that uses term “Father”. So, it was not something subconscious. Like those words was given to me.

Finally, I had an answer to my inner voice that were with me since I was 18. Since then, I’ve changed, It’s like a new identity is given to me. I was a coward, but now nothing can make me fear: financial crisis, persecution, even death. None of them are above Jesus’ name.

I had a mental illness, crippling (mental illness, demon, who knows?). And was with me since I was a child. No therapy and drug helped with that. I harmed myself for that many times, living with that for years was hell for me.

After my conversion, (1-2 weeks after) I prayed to Lord to heal that illness. I was crying. suddenly I felt a familiar presence (like the day I received the grace of God), and a cold sudden wind on my left ear. And that illness gone forever. After many experiences I found out the most secure, accurate and truthful search engine about Father, Jesus and Kingdom of Lord is Holy Spirit. Even in isolation I’m not alone and not helpless.

God bless you.