I’m not Ashamed

Growing up and raised in Godly way by my mom, I was never really introduced to the things kids my age at that time usually do. I rarely watched TV or played, all I did was read the Bible and pray. My mom never forbids me to watch or anything, I just chose not to. That was my life until the 5^th grade, when I started feeling the pressure of having no friends and always being mocked for not being up to date. Since then on, I started to leave God slowly until in high school I completely cut God off from my life just so I can have “friends” and be cool.

It all started when I stopped reading the Bible until it went too far, when I totally left God and nearly committed suicide. So basically since I was in the 5^thgrade until I graduated high school on June 2016, I’ve been living under this “mask” that I put on so I can blend in. Things went downhill since the first time I grew further from God. In the 6^th grade I learned to lie and cheat and on the 8^th grade I started drinking and smoking.

When I was busy trying to impress others, the real me was falling apart quickly as I fell into a slight depression. I was so tired of faking myself that I started cutting and drinking pills (pain killers and sleeping meds) in high school. That was how my life was going until I found God and decided to repent. Nobody knows about my repentance, so I slowly slipped into the old me and left God again. Until at the end of grade 11, I decided that I can’t live under this lie again and I took my mask off.

At first, my friends are fine with it, until they got bored and decided to leave me all alone in the dark. I was so lost and hurt that I didn’t know my way back. Until I thought I caught a glimpse of a speck of light, which is all actually in my head. I didn’t see the light; in fact I saw nothing but an illusion from the darkness. The devil found me when I was at my lowest and offered me an easy solution that is hard to resist. He told me that I could end all this pain right now, by committing suicide.

Then he entered into my mind where he brainwashed me with all the reasons of why I should kill myself. I was ready to kill myself but then I found the light and God welcomed me back with open arms. I repented again, but this repentance like the last one, also didn’t last long. Before I know it, I was lost again. I was not too lost this time when God found me. This time, I didn’t have to look for God, He found me. I was busy with my social medias and trying to impress others and never had time for God.

But all of that changed after I graduated high school when I was working as a teacher’s assistant while waiting and preparing for college. About a week after my 18^th birthday on September 8, 2016, my phone wouldn’t turn on when I was about to check my social media. Every morning the 1^st thing I would do as soon as I wake up is to play with my phone, but morning I can’t because my phone broke. So, I decided to read a book, but it turns out that I’ve read all the books I have and didn’t feel like reading it over like I usually do, then I got a nudge in the heart to read the Bible, so I did.

Later that day, I decided to stream from my laptop, but when I opened the browser, the Internet stopped working; that’s when I got a nudge to pray. So I prayed. It was a brief prayer of gratitude because I didn’t know what else to pray about. And when I finished praying the Internet worked again. Because of this, I decided that it’s time for me to go back before it’s too late.

For the first 2 months every morning when I wake up I would read the bible and pray and wouldn’t do anything else before I do it. It was easy for the first 2 months, but on the 3^rdmonth it was getting harder. Yes, I repented and I’m a Christian, but my life is still the same as when I was lost. I read the Bible and pray, but there’s just a heavy burden on my soul and sorrow fills my heart and all I want to do is to fall down and cry, but I didn’t even know what’s burdening my soul or what’s making me sad.

But all of that changed after I watched the movie “I’m not Ashamed.” That movie transformed my life forever and I know I’ll never be the same again and I’ve made a commitment to follow God and walk the talk. Rachel’s story opened my eye that walking with God is not going to be easy, but it’s worth it.

I actually know that since before, but I just needed someone who understands what I went true and the felt what I feel to reassure it to me. I amazed at how God changed Rachel’s life and how He used her to be a light, I pray that one day I can be a light and make a difference in this world too. Thank You Rachel. Now my life has changed forever, and I know I’ll never be the same again.