I Wanted to Kill Myself

Thank you Jesus for this testimony. I remember the time you pulled through when I was in secondary school. Through my five years there were some fun moments but there were also some difficulties, always feeling like I was getting judged. And I knew some people didn’t like me, which affected my confidence.

I wanted to kill myself. I was in a deep depression and felt miserable in my 9 years of school times when I gave up and even started to get addicted to pornography (which I’m still battling with masturbation but by the grace of God I will prevail). Through all this you were with me.  Year 11 was a very challenging year which became a blessing in disguise. It started as a calm year but what I learned is to not dictate life but leave it in God’s hand and not everything can have answers. Only God the maker knows what we got through certain situations.

As my year 11 progressed through, I started losing friends that I thought would be a lifetime. Lies were made about me, mocking me, calling me names. It was very hard people ganging up on you. I nearly lost it and again I wasn’t all innocent but two wrongs don’t make one right. Friends that I loved and the friendship group that I made come to my house every morning and afternoon was talking behind my back. It was so hard and we even had our final exam coming up and that was hard because there’s days I didn’t want to come but I had to and even teachers started to notice a change in me.

But through GOD I pulled through and did my exam, even my GCSE exam there was a lot of challenges with subject like math and business,  which was hard for me. And even though if it were up to me I would pass math’s I didn’t. Through that summer holiday I felt isolated and had really no friend to talk to. But I was praying to God that I pass my exam including math’s and English to get into my school sixth form and also for GOD to revenge me.

Then came my exam results day, which I passed English language, literature, music, French, but I failed math’s, science and Spanish and because I didn’t have the average my school said I couldn’t come back to do sixth form. So I had to go to a borough college or another Harris school at the time that had quite a bad reputation.

So I chose that option because I wanted to go to a Harris school but I was devastated and hurt and thought how can I pray to God and have high expectation that he will pull through and get the best results for maths, business, Spanish but he didn’t. That was legit my prayer for all that summer that if he give me the results that I asked I will share my testimony even though deep down I knew I wasn’t ready and I might not even do it. I was so hurt that I wouldn’t go back to my school but that I had to go to a school that had a bad reputation.

I was very hurt none the less I went the next day and registered to my new school where I picked two subjects to registered for media and business. In that school you can only do one subject. So yeah, and one day in year 11 when I got asked what I wanted to become, something clicked in my head and I said I wanted to work in the media industry. So yeah God works in a funny way cause my old school didn’t do media, but somehow my new school did.

It was legit a sign from God, after that, before I start in my new school, I was telling my mum I didn’t want to go to that school. I was crying and was hopeless I even had a meeting with my secondary school for them to get me back in but they said that I had to do health and social care, which I did not like because I didn’t want to do anything within that career. So my mother, aunt and even my old school all told me to give my new school a shot and try it and to not be dissatisfied cause it might be a great option for me.

And I thank God I listened to them because my school sixth form was legit, a blessing, in disguise. I did media there, and obviously at first it was a bit awkward between us students but we all became friends. We had good trips. I had great experiences, forgave all my friends. We came back to normal and yes sometimes it was hard, like not passing my first exam and crying because work was hard and changing teachers three times through that year. But it didn’t matter because my second year would legit be a blessing.

And obviously last year before university was year 13, and that was one of my best school years ever. I really put in the work in my media work did my best personal statement for university. But the best things I learned through that year is GOD LET YOUR WILL BE DONE. That was the statement that carried me through that year with the scripture psalm 93, and psalm 23.

I did my final exam in January for media and rest of the last year exam and those three exams I did all the revising and knowing everything to pass. When the results came back was the day I knew there is no one like God. I passed all three, got a 2 pass and a merit. I was over the moon screamed and was so happy. It was like peace coming over me. I knew that I made the right choice to come into this school and Jesus guided me, even though sometimes it looked like a dark tunnel. He was the light.

Then obviously the whole covid 19 situation happened, so school had to shut. And obviously it meant I would not see people in my school again until results day for A level in August 2020. But even with the whole corona situation, we did Zoom class and I worked very hard and put my all into my final media work. But gave it all to God to guide me. Also another thing I learned in quarantine is let nothing shake you but always look up to GOD, because some people were scared of corona. But the only thing you should fear is the Lord.

August came through and it was results day. I opened my UCAS and saw that my university, which I’m in right now accepted me to do contemporary media, which I was over the moon and grateful to Christ for. Then I got ready to go to my sixth form arrived there opened my results and after a whole two years of failing maths, I had finally passed it and was completely shocked. And then on top of all these blessings I passed my btec course of media with three distinctions and I knew that wasn’t only my hard work but it was Jesus will and his grace that got me through and made me pass my exam.

I was so happy. There were no words to describe what I was feelings cause I have tears when I think about the good things that God did in my life. I’m thankful for the university I’m in and grateful for the people I met in my university. So far I’m having fun and enjoying all thanks to Christ, and I know I will go through in my lifetime trials and tribulations, but I put my whole faith in being and soul to Christ to be my lord and savior to be with me no matter what happens is not my will but His.

Student finance small testimony:
I waited a whole year to get paid for my student finance. I started my application in December 2019 and now GOD pulled through in January 2021. At first they said yes, then no, and I had to get more paper work. Through 5 months they kept rejecting everything I had done, but I had faith in you my Lord Jesus, that you would pull through and you did.  Thank you Jesus after waiting and waiting here. I am today January 4th 2021 going to get paid of my student finance. I thank you for standing with me in these trials and tribulation even though I can’t see you or hear, you are the best and I always pull through and the best I can give you is to worship you and praise you for the blessings in my life.

I’m so grateful thank you Christ. You got me out of nearly dying in a fire, in a war. You made me pass my A levels and got me the top results of the class and you made progress and get good results in my first year of uni. You helped me and my mum in ways I could not imagine. From the time we didn’t have money or food in the house, you pulled through, my Lord and I thank you so much Jesus. All I can say is let your will be done in my life as it is in heaven, and may you guide me for infinity thank you.