I Never Felt I Would Feel or Get Better

Hello,

I want to tell you things that Jesus did for me. But before I get there, I have to go back to my youth.

I wasn’t raised with God or any other religion. I was raised according to my parents’ intuition.

I have had a terrible youth. I have a history with people who have humiliated me and were pulling me down and down and down in my feeling of beeing worthy.  It started at my kindergarden school. It didn’t stop till I quit my education to become a nurse.

It was really dramatic when my 4 years younger sister was born. My sister was 6,5 week too early. She was ill during the pregnancy and that’s why they let her come so early, they didn’t have a choice.

For me, as a 4 years old girl, it wasn’t dramatic, it was traumatic. From my eyes, my mom got ripped out of my sight, I was brought to my babysitter, for 3 weeks. And nobody told me what was happening. Now I understand why: it was just too difficult for everyone to tell a little girl.

I have done stupid things. I have made stories up. Like: boyfriends, illnesses, even a pregnancy of myself, and because that wasn’t true, also a miscarriage. I don’t know why exactly. May be it was about to feel love and care from the attention people gave. Or may be it’s a very deep desire to have a boyfriend and to have a baby in my life.  I just know I’ve hurt people with those stories, and especially myself.

Last year I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. In my life it have meant, and still means that it’s hard to get involved with relationships and to keep them. I means much more for me and it is really difficult to deal with sometimes, if I just want to do what my path is.  Because of the Borderline, it is very difficult for me to succeed in a job or anything with a curtain presure.

At one time, a very good friend of mine spoke prophesies over me. She has dreams about lots of things. And there was a whole week and she was dreaming a lot about me. She said that she has seen me fighting with the devil. And that was what I was feeling, but I was afraid to say things. She also said that the pastor’s wife from my church would understand and would be able to help me.

So as my friend told me to, I went to the pastor’s wife. We prayed and fasted together for 40 days. To be honest, I didn’t do 1 single day how we suppose to do it, but even because it didn’t keep it, I still prayed and made sacrifices.

I grew so much because of it. After we did the 40 days of fasting, God answered our prayers and He visited me. He came unexpected and with lots of strength. The pastor’s wife allready warned me to expect a lot from Him. I had to be ready for a huge deliverance, healing, and even manifestations.  when He came, He came with lots of strength. But it was like God was telling me: “don’t be afraid of My strength. If I come, I come with Love and Comforter. Things I do in your life, might hurt, but I am always staying to catch you if you fall and to comfter you when it hurts. I turn My arms around you and give you My love.” Because of that, I wasn’t scared for His strength anymore. I let Him come to me, and He ripped all scars and reasons of the wounds I had away from me. he touched my sore point. Places, I have never let anyone come close to ever in my life. But God gave me the trust I needed. And it hurt, but now, It’s all gone.

God has set me free from all of my history.  For the first time in my life I had trouble breathing. Because I felt my breath through my whole beeing. I always felt the air through my body, but now I felt it through my soul. As it was cleaning all the little left overs from all the wounds and scars.

Now I trust God more than anything in my whole life. Everything I’ve ever trusted, left me and disappointed me, God prooved me His Word and that He keeps His promiss.

Like my title says: I never felt I would feel or get better…. But since then, I feel amazing! I am praying more than I notice, and I’m worshipping more than I feel.

God is great. And with Him: All things are possible. And He has proved it.

2 Comments

  1. charlie 8/17/2007
  2. katie 10/5/2007

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