I went through a lot in my life always looking for love in men and got rejected so many times. Now that I am older I feel dead and although I am trying to build a relationship with God I can’t feel happiness inside me..
I attend women camps but I crying so much and I can’t open up telling our groups why. I am like a freak when it comes to emotions. I was in a relationship with a guy for 4 years and 6 months and he never told me he loves me. Financially he was very good to me but I felt lonely and I fought for his love but messed up more than being successful. There were no boundaries between his kids and me. I had to fight them myself because he did not want to get involved. He gave them weapons to treat me the way they wanted too. I still did not run away.
There were days when we was very happy and that I thought he loved me. We broke up 3 times accordingly to him always my fault. I could never let go and fought him back into my life. I know I was not the reason and was emotionally not treated right. Again he invested so much in me moneywise and always thought it is his way of showing love. He and his daughter don’t believe in God they believe in evolution. The big bang. He did not care if he speaks harsh to you in public and everybody can hear. There was a lot of incidents. The last break up was now a few weeks back.
I went on a business trip and we were okay. He suddenly went out every night with his friends and I was wondering why. When I asked him about it he starts to ignore me two days before I have to go back. He picked me up at the airport took me for coffee and told me its finally over. I miss him so much its almost a month now. I cried randomly during the night, cry myself awake and to sleep.
During the day when I think of him. I really love him so deeply was prepared to be the humble one it might be something else “rejection” again or I felt like the one who messed up. I text him and he said we can talk and see how we can fix it and the day before we suppose to meet he send me a text and say that he decided not to talk and that he made up his mind finally.
He ignores me as if I never exist. I am really really broken and I don’t know how to feel God, I do believe I am just so tired and dont feel if I will find happiness in myself ever again. I so just want to get rid of the pain and the missing and want to feel happy again in myself so I can be open to someone God want me to be with. I am full of anger and mixed emotions….