Friends, I feel lost and need help discerning God’s guidance.
Of course, this story will sound petty, but if you feel moved to respond, please do.
A bit about me: I am a grad student and have lived apart from my family since I was very young. God called me to a beautiful city and I immediately knew it was home. I had prayed and prayed for meaningful friendships and for a life filled with love, and I finally found it. The fact that God had answered my prayers was profoundly evident and I was overwhelmed.
About a month ago, the love of my life broke up with me. Now, I understand that many of you may think that someone as young as I cannot possibly be sure to have found the love of my life. But my heart has lived a thousand lifetimes because of my background. I know what it’s like to love and lose – I have watched a boyfriend die slowly for weeks and finally, by the grace of God (truly), miraculously recover. I have watched my family suffer hardship after hardship and experience joy after joy as God’s will plays out. I believe that, a lot of times, I can hear what God is telling me really well, and I am careful to listen.
But now, I can’t seem to see God’s will for this situation. I found so much of God’s will in this now-defunct relationship and came to know the Lord in a beautiful new way. This man and I had just found our home church and were looking for the perfect couples devotional. Then, everything crumbled during a fight we had about the future. He seems to have panicked and withdrawn. Since then, our relationship (or lack thereof) has been one emotional rollercoaster after another.
I pray daily that God will guide my heart toward a resolution of this pain, whether back toward my ex, if it is His will, or toward peace and acceptance. All I have found is frustration and confusion. I still (fortunately or unfortunately) believe with all my heart that this man is the one God put on this earth for me to find, and I pray for the Lord to show me how to stop believing this because I feel so naïve. All worldly signs point to our mutual love being over, and I am confused by any and all Godly signs I receive.
Please, if you feel moved, respond. I am desperate to discern God’s will for this stage in my life and cannot seem to understand it myself. I understand that there is strength in faith in blind faith, and I accept that; I understand that God will may be my confusion and that He desires to test me. But still, I find no peace.