I wrote this on the night of the Second day of my Walk to Emmaus. I thought I would share it here. It’s not grammatically correct, well structured or even coherent in places, but it’s what happened.
It started this morning. They asked me to die. I was to take a piece of bread and call upon a part of myself. They said a sin and I was supposed to give it up to God and it would die. But it was a part of me, so I died too.
My table leader died first. He gave up something big, but I was afraid. I had a lot of things that I could give up – lustful thoughts, past black transgressions that haunted me, perversions – but I chose one I thought was harmless.
I was bullied in high school. There was one person in particular. I don’t even remember his name, but that wasn’t important. I remembered him. He was in my chemistry class. He was messing with me on one day and I just blurted out loud for him to leave me alone. I meant for him to get in trouble with the teacher. That was a mistake. The teacher told him to stop it and, I guess, figured that solved the problem. After class, of course, he found me, threw me against a locker and threatened me. That was the pinnacle of his actions against me. Yes, he did other things – he tried to sabotage my grade in class in subtle ways and in general made a nuisance of himself, but that one time was the only physical aggression he showed me. I did feel hatred for him thereafter – for years, and it was completely out of proportion to the events I experienced, but he made me feel helpless and small and weak and I really did hate him for it.
I used to fantasize about hurting him – throwing him down stairs, then jumping down those same stairs and landing with both feet on him or causing him pain in other ways – for years. He was in my head through college, the Army, any time I felt hurt, picket on or helpless. I saw him when Bad things happened to people on T.V. He was the face of the oppressor in a thousand ways.I guess his face had faded with time. I was sixteen when I took chemistry – a sophomore – and I’m thirty six now, so he has been with me for twenty years. He was just a high school bully and it had been twenty years, so I thought he would be safe. I thought I could safely let my sin against him die. I was wrong.
I think I realized it when I started. I broke the bread and I started clouding up. I started giving him up and the words caught. My eyes started tearing up and I felt a tremor. I then put the bread down – or tried to. I couldn’t let it go. I realized all of a sudden I still hated him as much at that moment as I ever had. I forced myself to put the crumb in the plate. I had to sit down, but I couldn’t take that thing with me. I think I felt something rip.
I sat down.
We finished the ceremony – we had communion with those torn (and transformed) crumbs of bread. Later someone asked me if I wanted to talk to the clergy about what I had experienced. I thought that was pretty close to the stupidest suggestion I had heard wince I got here. It was their fault I was hurting in the first place! I gave up a twenty year grudge without the benefit of ANY preparation and it was ALL THEIR FAULT! I don’t remember who I was speaking to, but I do remember that I told them that I had left it at the chapel. It was a convenient excuse not to talk. It sounded reasonable or at least left no room for continuation for the questioner. In retrospect, it wasn’t fair to him.
Later, my table leader approached me. We were being entertained and he asked me to sit with him. He mentioned that he saw my reaction at the communion. I simply stated that I saw his as well. I think he knew I was pushing him away, but I was nice about it at least.
I played my part through the rest of the day. We presented our posters and were waiting for what was next. I wasn’t expecting it.
They put us on a bus. Unbidden, a memory of getting on a bus to Basic training came up. They took us to a church. We lined up and walked in.
Hundreds of people were on either side as we walked to the sanctuary, lighting our way with little lights reminiscent of candles. It was nice at first. All these people were singing and waving their lights and smiling. I felt they loved us and were supporting us. We walked on.
The way grew narrow. Something me felt a sudden deep foreboding. I walked on, but a growing part of me wanted to bolt. We got to the sanctuary, then walked up the steps to the front area. My foreboding eased some. The singing went on. Then we were told they were leaving and we returned their song. While I was singing, I remembered the morning incident. I don’t know why. I was blindsided. I couldn’t sing any more. I felt physical pain and illness. I might have gotten past it, but the leaders – right at the time I was most vulnerable – called for an examination of conscience.
I panicked.
They wanted me to examine my soul while it was naked, lacerated and ripped apart. People had their hands on me. I was surrounded and I didn’t know where the exits were. I remember trying to back up. I remember saying I couldn’t do it. I remember falling apart.
I remember it was messy and painful.
I was surrounded by caring, loving friends, which really was what finished me off. Every time I tried to find something to grab onto – to curl up inside and protect what was left of me – I was hit with another volley, which tore everything apart again. I couldn’t find my barriers. I had nowhere to hide my vulnerabilities. I had no masks to disguise them. Each hug took my old supports away. I couldn’t run away (actually I literally couldn’t stand, but I don’t know if that is relevant). Dave was there. After some time I was helped to the bus. Someone sat next to me briefly to offer his support. Then he kindly left me to die.
I remember asking God if this was where he wanted me to be. He said no.
I remember opening my mouth and screaming over and over – only nothing came out. I remember feeling my body sliding over and down the back of my seat until I felt the cold metal of the side of the bus.
It all left – or at least everything I could sense. Everything in me was gone.
Everything.
When everything in you is gone, you’re dead. That’s where God wanted me to be.
I think He intends to fill me with something now. I don’t know what to expect, but that’s okay.
That’s where I am now.>
I wrote this the night we got back. We were supposed to have a late meal. They brought in pizza, but I couldn’t eat. I needed to write this down. I found paper and pen, went into the local chapel on the grounds and, lying on the floor in the middle of the aisle, wrote the majority of what I put up there. I was barely lucid at the time, writing in haste late into the night. I could have cleaned it up, but what you have above is what I took from inside me and put on paper.
wow! I pray God will fill you with something more than any human can give. Your experience was very scary I bet! I know that God will fill you with happiness and a love for people that you will never forget. I am so glad you shared your experience. Just don not forget, stay strong in GOd no matter if you have to go through that experience with the whole town. God puts you in the places he wants you to be, just allow hi to fill your heart and soul with everything he wants to!
Thanks Alishanbarber. I appreciate it. It WAS scary, but it was a defining moment in my life and I am keeping it for the gift it is.
God has plans for me. I just have to trust in Him to reveal them as the time comes.
Hi,
I think what happened to you was definately special. I just watched a teaching on the death of the physical body and birth of the spiritual body. I’ll give you my notes to see if they can help you. I think you can get some understanding of what happened to you if you read.
In life there is a Natural Man- an unborn man, a Carnal Man- a man controlled by senses and a Spiritual Man. In order to become a spiritual man you would have to at one point be a natural man and a carnal man. Please read 2 Corinthians 4:12. – So we LIVE in the face of DEATH, but it has resulted in ETERNAL LIFE for you.- Your earthly body will die but it will result in eternal life. Your old body will die for the sake of saving others. Death and life is working within the body of Christ. Now read Phillipians 1:21 -For to me, living is for Christ and dying is even better.- You may be asking, How can you gain when you die? The answer is this, You are making a transition. Paul is saying that he is so transformed that if he is living, he is living IN Christ. The last breath you take on earth is the first breath you take in heaven.(2 Corinthians 5:6-9) Paul has the mind of Christ! How is dying gaining if I have become totally Christ in life? Because you are still struggling, you are and you are not looking at Him. Everything is not just given to you. You have to struggle to see him because you can’t see him. Does this make any sense? Now read 2 Corinthians 12:7-9. Most people live on fear. Come to a place of complete suurender. Now read Phillipians 4:13.
You have to walk in your destiny. for example, death is coming but you can’t change it. You can speed it up or slow it down but you have to have the right mind set. Life is like a bumpy car ride, but your mind is still set in place while the wheels are bouncing. Everything around you is always changing and shifting but if your spirit stays in a stable mind set you will always be calm and okay. No more panic attacks. You gain a consintency, you become sane in this insane world. Everything starts in your mind.
It is not what is around you that is going to make you, it is Him in you that is going to make you. Once he is in you, take the limits off. When God is in you, the possibilities are endless.
I hope some of this made sense to you , if not all. Please respond with what you think of this if you can, Love, your sister in Christ- Mary
I know what you are saying. I to have died not that way, but have died. I went through much terror, But have learned much. One day I will Share my testimony.
But I beleive what you need to do is – spend time reading the Bible and I beleive the Lord will open it up to you as never before. Sing praise and worship songs. And pray. I beleive the Holy Ghost (Holy Spirit) is with you. Ask which ever one you call it to help you to Pray – Sing – Worship. They are a gift from God to help us. He will help you to learn about the True father God – Our Lord Jesus Christ – and the Holy Spirit. It’s not easy but don’t give up. Keep pushing in. If you don’t pray in tounges. It time to start. Jesus will help to receive. Ask and it shall be given , seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened to you. A day at a time. May God Bless You. and keep you safe. you have entered new life. It is scary but eternal. I Pray the Lord will fill you morning noon and night afresh with the Holy Spirt. Peace be in you. My God full you with his Love. amen. I will pray for you. Much Love and Peace from your sister Sharon in Ghrist Jesus.