Today Woman

I Am Who I Am Today

Im laying in my bed at 12:30 in the am watching you tube videos and thinking about how can I share my story?

So, as I’m processing this in my head, I decided to start off by downloading an app and here I am about to share it.

I honestly cant tell you when I first started taking pills, but if I had to guess, in my early 20s. I had some back issues at the time and my docs were prescribing me the pills, so my addiction got worse bc of that. I still to this day can’t figure out were my life went so wrong, maybe the friends I had at the time or trying to fit in, but I will never forget the first time going to jail. My dad was a sheriff before all this happened and I also had uncles retired from the police/ sheriffs’ dept, so it was really embarrassing, but it made my family look bad because of the last name. My father said, I never thought in a million years I would see my own daughter in here. Well…it was the first time, but not the last.

I just turned 35 and April of this year, I went back to jail because of my x husband putting his hands on me. I had to stop counting because I was constantly getting in trouble with the law due to every guy I have dated, but every one of them were on drugs too. When I turned 24 I had my first son, then the next year I had my second one, so literally back to back. Then I just had my last one 2 years ago. I was 24 and the father of my kids was taking pills too and we were together for 5 years.

The addiction I had was so bad, I ended up telling the judge my kids need to be with the father and his wife, because I couldn’t be the mom I needed to be. I lost everything. I cared about nothing. I didn’t have God in my life at the time. I’ve always believed in God because I grew up going to church as a little girl. But it was the last thing on my mind.

My whole life has been based on drugs, court cases, classes, or jail time. It’s crazy, but I’m actually facing a felony charge next week, first time ever, and this is a charge from 5 years ago and the other two years ago. So, they decided to make it just one charge, but til this day I’m having to face old court case files that never got resolved up until now.

Of course it hits me when I’m clean, its been a few years now, got my own place, office manager now for a doctor i work for and got my degree in Radiology. I’m just now being able to crawl at 35 and doing this on my own. I just recently got a divorce, still married, but separated until we go back in a month for finalization. I work my tail off at work and by the time I get off, I’m too tired for anything else. I’m burned out with everything going on with my life. I’m facing old charges. I’m pressing charges for the beating. I’m paying two attorneys at once back to back and I haven’t mentioned bills yet.

I have lost so much weight due to stress at work and my personal stuff going on, people are starting to wonder if I’m back on drugs. So I took a hair test to show the people in court that I’m not weakened, stupid, young girl anymore. My Attorney has been a huge supporter this whole time because he knew that girl from back then and sees the woman I turned out to be today. I went to this place in Mexico and got treatment to help me with my pain pill addiction. My buddy, who I still see and talk to, but he paid for me to go get help at this place, which I highly recommend to all of you people reading this, but its called ibrogain… however u spell it. Well…it works!

It has been 3 years since I’ve been and I haven’t had a craving or even wanted to take one. Praise God!! With all the anxiety, hurt, stress, and just tired… I can actually say I’m holding my head up high, fighting all these battles. I’m still moving forward hoping for a miracle, but I’m actually sober!!

As I lay here in bed, barely keeping my eyes open, I look back on my journey and everything I put in my body far as all the drugs, I should either be in prison or dead. God has a plan for me, like he does for you, but I’m trying to find my calling and that’s me sharing my testimony with people. I received an email today from my attorney and it was the best news I could of gotten. Basically, they are going to let me take classes, have it removed completely off my records if I complete everything.

So, this past week I’ve been praying and talking to God. He knows everything going on. I had to let it go and leave it in God’s hands this time, instead of drugs taking over my problems. I’ve realized it never solved my problems, just the relief from withdrawals, that its been God this whole time and he’s he reason why I’m still here.

I have a purpose and I’m here to spread the word of God how powerful and wonderful he is cause he is fighting my battles for me and he never left my side or judged me. I was who I was back then, but I am who I am today, and I’m cool with both of them! I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for my past. Don’t be ashamed, find out what you’re gift is, stay clean, and keep moving forward!!!!!!!

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