Two years ago, I would have been more certain than anything.
However, over the last two years, I’ve waivered back and forth in my mind–based on the way things looked at the time.
Now is one of those times when I feel absolutely crazy…but yet and still, I wonder: How do I REALLY know?
Ok, so what am I talking about? Here is a link to where I posted my “situation” https://testimonyshare.com/can-you-relate/
If you didn’t feel like it, or didn’t get a chance to read it: it basically talks about a boyfriend that God confirmed to me, that him and I are “meant to be”. We went back and forth for a year about the no sex issue…ended up getting together, “slipping up” and now I’m almost 6 months pregnant.
I want to say a combination of this pregnancy and his desire to buy a house and create stability for his “family” has sent him on a working spree. He works so much now. I admire him for his diligence, but of course, he’s not around anymore. Plus, he has made several decisions that work best for him, but are clearly not in my best interest–moving out of the city, 45 min away, to be closer to his parents so that when his daughters come up for the summer, his parents can help him–is one.
Originally, he talked like he wanted to get married and had all these plans. He even wanted, at one point, to go to City Hall and get married. Well, I guess, fear settled in and he started to think more about it and got complacent. So, I’m assuming that’s out.
My personal take on the whole thing, is that if he was serious and ready to try marriage–I would too, because as far as I was concerned, God had told me we were meant to be. I’m not upset that we aren’t though, however it would be nice if he cared that much about me, especially given my current state.
But now, I can’t tell if I’m just in the relationship because of what I heard God say. I want my daughter to grow up in a family with a mother and father, but I’m not sure I can make it. And I love him. I really do. But there are so many areas that I can see God needs to work on. And, it makes me question what I heard.
Have I been a glutton for punishment?
Right now, it seems as if he’s not thinking of me at all. He may be thinking of me conceptually (like including me in the reasoning for working hard and working towards his goals). But he’s not thinking about the needs I’m articulating. And it’s not just about things like spending time together. But things like- going to a wedding (he says I just want to show off that I have a boyfriend), or meeting one of my Pastors, who happens to be like a father figure to me (he says he’d rather go to work and make money than to waste an hour and a half just to say Hi to someone). We had plans to go to church on Easter, and he texts me Easter morning saying that he wasn’t going to make it….and had no plans of getting together for dinner or anything.
The reality is, I know I have loved to the greatest of my ability. It has not always been reciprocated, but I loved any way. Years ago I thought there was something wrong with me, but I don’t see it that way anymore…I am not perfect, but I have trusted God and believed what I heard him say.
Now I’m truly wondering if I got it right. Maybe God meant what he said to me for some other reason than what I wanted it to mean. When there had been other times where this had crossed my mind, I was reminded that I had to trust what I knew and not second guess… but I have never had to so greatly “suffer.”
I’m afraid that if I continue on, I’ll be in a relationship where I’m not appreciated, understood, valued, or even loved in the agape way. And my unborn daughter too.
I try to understand he isn’t an out going person, or that he has different ways of showing me love…but I wonder, is this it?
I really pray that God help redirect my desires toward Him and for me to allow His love to be sufficient for me. That he would take away the hurt I feel from his actions and my actions that lead me into this situation in the first place. I ask for peace and strength. Please agree with me in prayer.
Thanks for listening (reading).
Hi Sabrina, i think in order for your boyfriend to love you the agape way is when he first love God. To obey His commandments and to put Him first in everything. That’s about the only recipe I know for good marriage and everything else. God bless.
Sabrina,
I’m so very sorry you are still struggling with this. I have to agree with the above post… that to love, he (and you) must first love God. You must know that you are only responsible for your actions. You cannot control anyone,… only you. Weather you heard right from God, I cannot know. But from an outside perspective, you seem to have a ton of confustion, and absolutely no peace. Those two things right there are ‘red flags’… meaning they are not of God… they are not fruits of the spirit… I’m not saying your completely out of God’s will, but that you might want to check where that fruit is coming from. You can only do so much Sabrina,… and then you have to leave it in God’s hands… letting Go of the situation, knowing that only God himself can handle it. God cannot do what He needs to do if you are constantly picking up the circumstances, attempting to fix them. It seems to me that you want nothing more than God’s will… so let God handle this. Its seems as if you have alot of energy commited to resolving your circumstances… perhaps redirect that focus and energy into your relationship with God. With all that you have going on, God is the one that has to work this out… just stay focused on Him, and God will give you peace. When your in God’s hands, no circumstances can rob you from the joy and peace that God has for you… I’m praying for you my friend. Dont let someone elses actions control weather you have peace….
may peace and joy cover you and your little girl……
hey Sabrina, i feel that i am in the same situation you are in except for i am not pregnant, I started talking to this christian guy, we texted a lot then we started seeing each other, from the start i told him i was saving myself for marriage had been celebate for five years, but after a yr we ended up in sexual sin, he would never really want to talk about the future but always want to have s… everytime we saw each other, it kept on being that way, he only spent limited time with me often broke dates and then later he had to move out of town to take a job because he lost his job in our city, i kept seeing him. some times he would not text me for months and never bothered to tell me why. but i put up with it. now recently in March i told him no more sex but i had done this many times. i meant it this time and i think he new it because we got together and i refused to do it. well after that he went back to his town, now he does not text me have not for the pass three weeks, no reason known to me. always have excuses not to get married because his finances not right. he had promised as soon has he got a new job he would marry me but did not. he always keeps me a a limit does not like to call me on the phone to talk, so what my plan is is to move on and let God take care of my heart.. i thought i heard from God to but i was too confused and too much wondering about him. God does not work in confusion and the blessings of the Lord does not and sorrow. God blessing bring peace and prosperity. so i hope u will understand and maybe it is time for you to move on. God know the plans he has for you the are good and to bless you. dont ever think God cant give you his best he can and will. its better to cry now than to shed many tears later. think about your baby girl. My mom had six kids and my stepfathr married her with six babies none were his he took care of all six of us treated us like we were his own. God will do same for you. When you tell someone they are hurting you and they dont stop that means they dont really love you. Your heart is precious to God and he will take care of you. You have to really know the voice of God, because sometimes the enemy whisper things to us or we can have a desire so strong that we can think it is God. I will be praying for you and yours, I feel your pain…..
Sabrina,
One thing many people make the mistake of doing is saying “God told me” when it was really their own mind. I’m guilty of this many times. I’ve had to learn to distinguish His voice from my own head. Either way, there is a baby involved. Trust God and He will guide you to do what is right. Pray to God and read your Bible an He will show you what to do.