Two years ago, I would have been more certain than anything.
However, over the last two years, I’ve waivered back and forth in my mind–based on the way things looked at the time.
Now is one of those times when I feel absolutely crazy…but yet and still, I wonder: How do I REALLY know?
Ok, so what am I talking about? Here is a link to where I posted my “situation” https://testimonyshare.com/can-you-relate/
If you didn’t feel like it, or didn’t get a chance to read it: it basically talks about a boyfriend that God confirmed to me, that him and I are “meant to be”. We went back and forth for a year about the no sex issue…ended up getting together, “slipping up” and now I’m almost 6 months pregnant.
I want to say a combination of this pregnancy and his desire to buy a house and create stability for his “family” has sent him on a working spree. He works so much now. I admire him for his diligence, but of course, he’s not around anymore. Plus, he has made several decisions that work best for him, but are clearly not in my best interest–moving out of the city, 45 min away, to be closer to his parents so that when his daughters come up for the summer, his parents can help him–is one.
Originally, he talked like he wanted to get married and had all these plans. He even wanted, at one point, to go to City Hall and get married. Well, I guess, fear settled in and he started to think more about it and got complacent. So, I’m assuming that’s out.
My personal take on the whole thing, is that if he was serious and ready to try marriage–I would too, because as far as I was concerned, God had told me we were meant to be. I’m not upset that we aren’t though, however it would be nice if he cared that much about me, especially given my current state.
But now, I can’t tell if I’m just in the relationship because of what I heard God say. I want my daughter to grow up in a family with a mother and father, but I’m not sure I can make it. And I love him. I really do. But there are so many areas that I can see God needs to work on. And, it makes me question what I heard.
Have I been a glutton for punishment?
Right now, it seems as if he’s not thinking of me at all. He may be thinking of me conceptually (like including me in the reasoning for working hard and working towards his goals). But he’s not thinking about the needs I’m articulating. And it’s not just about things like spending time together. But things like- going to a wedding (he says I just want to show off that I have a boyfriend), or meeting one of my Pastors, who happens to be like a father figure to me (he says he’d rather go to work and make money than to waste an hour and a half just to say Hi to someone). We had plans to go to church on Easter, and he texts me Easter morning saying that he wasn’t going to make it….and had no plans of getting together for dinner or anything.
The reality is, I know I have loved to the greatest of my ability. It has not always been reciprocated, but I loved any way. Years ago I thought there was something wrong with me, but I don’t see it that way anymore…I am not perfect, but I have trusted God and believed what I heard him say.
Now I’m truly wondering if I got it right. Maybe God meant what he said to me for some other reason than what I wanted it to mean. When there had been other times where this had crossed my mind, I was reminded that I had to trust what I knew and not second guess… but I have never had to so greatly “suffer.”
I’m afraid that if I continue on, I’ll be in a relationship where I’m not appreciated, understood, valued, or even loved in the agape way. And my unborn daughter too.
I try to understand he isn’t an out going person, or that he has different ways of showing me love…but I wonder, is this it?
I really pray that God help redirect my desires toward Him and for me to allow His love to be sufficient for me. That he would take away the hurt I feel from his actions and my actions that lead me into this situation in the first place. I ask for peace and strength. Please agree with me in prayer.
Thanks for listening (reading).