Where it all started
To see the Cure to Pornography just scroll down, I made a header, I ended up saying more than I planned.
I am 30 years old, had been married from 24 June 2006 until June 2013.
I grew up in a christian home, my parents played the music in the church. So we were in church Monday through Sunday. I always had a very bad attitude, I would never mix with anyone, and I hated my dad with a passion. This is one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. I was super sensitive and scared of everyone.
My Mother was molested as a child and taught me I cannot trust anyone. I hated myself for being a man.
I hated my dad from a young age and would always fight him on everything and I would harden my heart purposefully.
I would steal money from my parents and argue my way out of everything, never admit I’m wrong. I was so deceptive.
I would always lash out at people, I never understood why. As I got older I only had one friend my whole life long, I’d always run away, after trying to impress people for a week or two.
I was always very depressed, and very childish. I never wanted to grow up.
I remember having my first girlfriend at age 16. It lasted 3 months, and I broke it off because I got very angry with her because she threw herself at me, and I was such a bible basher and hypocrite, holier than thao, so I dumped her.
I was such a Hypocrite addicted to swearing from a very young age. I was addicted to pornography and masturbation since the age of 16. I went another 2 years before I had another relationship. I never went looking for a girlfriend, because I was always too depressed. So I met my second girlfriend at 18, we were together for about 6 months, I lost my virginity to her, and she left.
So I was more depressed, another 2 years went by before I met, my last girlfriend. We were together for a year, never slept together. Her parents forced us to break up, because I’m sure they saw that there was something wrong with me.
Straight after that, I met my amazing wife. She had loved me from a very young age. We were together for 6 months and then got married.
All the while I’d have major struggles with depression, Isolation and pornography. I was so unforgiving, I would pride myself in remembering everything she ever did wrong, and then make myself look good by all the scripture I could quote.
When my son was born on 3 Dec 2007, I went completely Down hill. I pulled away from my son and my wife, I’d work long hours and spend hours and hours in front of the computer looking at pictures, I can’t believe I wasted my life like that.
I would be all over the place, Angry, Happy, Loving, Completely Cold, Hateful, Hurtful, Manipulating. We hardly ever went out and we never mixed with anyone.
We were totally alone at dealing with raising a baby, trying to be a family, our relationship, we never got help from either parents, or from anyone in the community, we didn’t even reach out to the church. This is something I really regret, we should have included our parents, and tried to go to church.
I would shmooze everyone at work or in town, everyone thought we were the cutest couple and that I was the happiest Person on earth. But at home it would be a total different story.
In January 2013 I thought I would become this great pastor and evangelist, because I was so good at talking to people and I could quote so many scriptures. There was this one guy at work known for being into occult and spiritualism, I was determined on turning him to God. But I didn’t know God, because
Galatians 6:1 (AMP)
6 Brethren, if any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to and controlled by the Spirit] should set him right and restore and reinstate him, without any sense of superiority and with all gentleness, keeping an attentive eye on yourself, lest you should be tempted also.
I was definitely not controlled by the Holy Spirit. So I fell into this spiritualism and occult. I started reading so much of the occult, telling myself I would out smart this guy and get him to turn to God.
I ended up hating my wife and kids even more, drawing even further away and ended up booking myself into a rehab for pornography addiction. I was starting to have nervous breakdowns and not doing my job properly at work, I remember being picked up off the street after falling down and crying because of a huge pain deep inside me.
I quit my job, divorced my wife left her with the kids, had an affair with an older woman, and wasted my whole pension of almost 8 years.
I had made such a mess of my life, Preaching the word of God, without having a clue who God is.
The woman I had an affair with, her husband beat me up, I wasted all my money, I was missing my wife and kids, but was literally unable to be good to them, I used the most foul language, I would constantly say how useless I was as a man, and human being.
So jobless, and now drinking.
Where it all Got Better
Well enough of the bad side. It all started getting better when I went back to my dad who accepted me, even though I screamed at him and blamed him for everything. I called him all the bad names he had ever called me, so many years ago.
He still forgave me and gave me a place to stay, food to eat and loved me.
My body was so sore at this stage, I hurt all over my left foot began to swell up. My stomach hurt the most. All I could think of was suicide.
I remember my mom having Joyce Meyer, Joseph Prince and Andrew Wommack on once a day.
I stayed by my parents for 2 months. My mom came to visit her sister near where my wife was living. So I came to see my kids, I was so broken and ashamed, I could hardly speak.
I had never been loving in all my life, not from the heart, only superficial.
She took me in so that I could be close to the kids, and as time went on we grew a little closer together.
But I was still hurting all over my body, still tempted with pornography, I never thought I’d ever be free.
I would sleep on the floor in my sons room and try and talk to God, I had such a messed up view of things, Pride was killing me. I had read so much of the bible it was hard to try again, I really believed I was right acting the way I was, but after the big mess, I saw, I AM SO WRONG.
Cure To Pornography
On 1 January 2014 I was laying on the floor and I felt in my heart “like God was talking to me” that if I trusted God with my sexual needs, then I would be free from the addiction. I was skeptical, I didn’t feel anything amazing, I just said OK God.
From that day forward, I did not have the same struggle, I would get very scared when situations came up that used to tempt me, but I wouldn’t feel the same as before.
One thing I did start doing every day, every hour I would constantly speak in tongues. My tongues would sound weird, and I thought I made it up, and I was worried it was the occult coming through. I would sometimes speak in tongues with a bad attitude. So I whispered the tongues under my breath. That is when my body stopped hurting. And Slowly day by day, I started to actually talk to people more, and hurting less, the thoughts of suicide started fading.
I still depend on God to keep me from the temptation, I cannot do it on my own, BUT I AM FREE. It is not the same. For the first time in my life I am not the addiction, I don’t act like an addict. I don’t feel as guilty all the time anymore. I don’t feel so ashamed anymore.
How This Website Helped Me
I was still very prideful but not as much. I started reading the bible everyday too. I had so many doubts about the word, if I understood it for what it was, or if I was turning it, to suit me. I read so many testimonies on this website, and I read a lot of Andrew Wommack’s articles.
Other Things That Helped Me
I signed up for Joyce Meyers 30 Day Challenge and I learned the most verses out of the bible from there. The scriptures that she gave really helped me so much. The way she put it together helped me understand it in a way that God Loves me.
On 4 Feb 2014 I went to Pastor James Lottering for deliverance. I felt a little better.
The things that helped the most were speaking in tongues and reading the bible every day.
Things are not perfect, but it is a MIRACLE that I am where I am. I never thought I’d still be alive, or that I’d be with my wife and kids.
I am looking forward to God making a man out of me, IF I keep following Him as I am now. I am looking forward to getting married officially again, and being a better and better Father, Husband and Provider in all areas that I have missed all these years.
I am very grateful to God. God is Merciful, Loving and Forgiving. He looked after my family. He is not like people, he loves us, and wants families to be together.
I need God every day, I will never make it without Him.