His Glory, My Good

My story begins with a simple fact that I’ve heard from many people raised in the church. I was raised by Christian parents but didn’t know Jesus. In high school, I claimed to be a Christian and looking back it saddens me how I misrepresented Christ so many times as an unbeliever. In reality I was the worst hypocrite of them all, a self-righteous snob who thought that being born to Christian parents meant I had a first-class ticket to heaven.

I was wrong.

God showed me that my freshman year of college when he saved me. I will warn you before you read my story. This isn’t for the faint of heart, and I’m not going to cover up any of the things that I did before I got saved, or what happened afterwards. I consider that worth the risk if my story touches just one life.

When I was fourteen years old, I was introduced to marijuana and alcohol by a family member. I experimented with it in high school, but it was my freshman year of college I started really getting into partying. I attended a small Christian college at the time, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have access to it. I would try to get invited to parties every weekend if I could, trying to get the approval of the “in crowd” or whatever that means. I was mostly a drinker but as I mentioned before I was also interested in using marijuana.

There was this one friend that I liked to party with. One time we decided to go smoke weed with this guy neither of us knew very well. We got into his truck, and he handed me a dab pen which I had never used before. I didn’t know that they were highly concentrated so I took a huge puff. And it wasn’t long before I did what stoners call “greening out.” Which essentially means you’re high out of your mind. I couldn’t even put together sentences. My friend saw the danger when I didn’t, and she had this guy take us back to the dorms where she got me out of his truck.

God used that girl to protect me from someone taking advantage of the situation. Looking back, I can’t believe anything worse didn’t happen. After she got me out of the truck, she took me to her dorm where I laid on one of the couches in the lobby. But as I mentioned before, we were going to a small Christian college and security takes notice of situations like that. So she walked me back to my dorm and snuck me into my room. I didn’t have a roommate at the time, so she stayed with me all night until the morning making sure, I was okay.

I’m pretty convinced I opened myself up to demonic powers that night, and I had some very strange visions that I don’t remember the details of. The morning after, my friend made sure I was okay and she snuck out to go back to her dorm. (This was the year of Covid-19 so we weren’t supposed to have friends in our dorm rooms.) After that happened, I never experimented with marijuana again.

And instead of thanking that friend for protecting me, I asked her to meet with me, and I told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I used the fact that she was a bad influence to excuse my behavior and blamed her for the fact that I had made a very poor decision. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t a good influence, but it wasn’t her fault that I made the decisions in college that I did, and it wasn’t fair to blame my problems on her. She was a fun friend, and I missed her a lot after that. Sometimes I would text her to tell her that I missed her, and she said she was done being my friend. I don’t blame her for being angry at me, I treated her very poorly. If I knew where she was today, I would apologize for treating her the way I did.

I made other party friends after that. One guy in particular who I thought was fun to party with, but wasn’t romantically interested in. I basically just used him to get me invited to parties at the house he lived in with a bunch of football guys. There was one night that I went there and got drunk and slept it off on their couch. None of them were thrilled to have a random freshman girl wake up in their house, and I drove home feeling very ashamed and silly. This is just another instance though of God protecting me from my own self destruction, because something much worse could’ve happened that night, and it didn’t.

I also had the problem of putting my identity in whatever guy I had been seeing at the time. I kissed a lot of boys in high school. I was taught and I believed I was supposed to wait until marriage. But since I didn’t have the Holy Spirit to strengthen my conviction, I started to give a little bit more at a time. I guess I thought they would value me more or even love me if I did things with them. I was extremely tempted when it came to sexual sin. I struggled a lot with masturbation all throughout high school and into my freshman year of college.

There was this one guy that I was seeing from a dating app my freshman year of college that I thought I was in love with. There was one night that I almost lost my virginity to him, but I consider it a grace of God that he turned me down. I remember after he turned me down, I locked myself in the bathroom and crumpled into a ball on the floor crying because I thought he didn’t love me because he refused to have sex with me. The truth was that the guy didn’t love me. But looking back it was a very loving action that he refused me. I continued to see him after that, and he took me to a restaurant over at the coast.

We fought over the fact that he didn’t want me to wear my dirty Carhartt jacket into the restaurant. I told him point blank that he was being a little b-word, and that the restaurant wasn’t nice enough to matter. We sat through dinner in silence; he drove me home in silence. I tried to make it better with him by playing with his hair, but I could tell he was done with me. He ghosted me after that, which essentially means that he had zero contact with me, not even to tell me we were done. It broke my heart, because I had placed my entire identity in dating this guy who I thought I loved. Truly I didn’t love him as much as I loved the idea of him.

I was also really sick that entire year of college. I think the symptoms really started when I was 14 years old, but I ignored them because I was afraid of admitting that I had Addison’s disease. (An adrenal gland disorder where your adrenals fail to produce enough of a necessary hormone called cortisol). My sister knew, because she was in nursing school at the time, and she diagnosed my symptoms, but I didn’t listen. I actually wrote a paper on it in one my classes my freshman year of college, I was just in hard core denial that I really had it. But symptoms started progressing worse and worse my freshman year of college. I was so physically weak that I could barely get out of bed to go eat or to go to my classes.

One time I was so physically weak, I couldn’t walk across the bridge from my dorm to the cafeteria to get food. I got to the cafeteria eventually and sat myself down on the bathroom floor until I could catch my breath and then I used the mantra “mind over matter” to walk myself back to the dorm. I had all the classic symptoms of Addison’s disease: severe fatigue, hyperpigmentation (darkening of the skin and gums), muscle weakness, salt cravings, vomiting, nausea, hair loss and depression. I pretty much laid in my dorm room bed watching TV 12 hours a day. I was severely depressed and thought that sitcoms would comfort me and fix my problems. They didn’t, in fact they probably made the depression worse because I would isolate myself from people and live in a fake world of 90s sitcoms.

I drag all of this sin and brokenness into the light not as a way to glorify my sin, but as a way to prove to you that God really can forgive anything. And not only that, He can redeem your story, turning it around entirely. There is no new sin to God under the sun, so if you think your sin is just too bad for God to forgive, you’re wrong. There is no depth of sin that God’s grace can’t touch, believe me I know.

And I’m not the only example of the way God saves sinners. Apostle Paul from the bible was a persecutor and murderer of Christians because of his hatred for Christ. Jesus stopped him (at the time Paul was named Saul) on the road to Damascus in the book of Acts.

“Now as he went on his way, he approached Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven shone around him. And falling to the ground, he heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” And he said, “Who are you, Lord?” And he said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. But rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do.” The men who were traveling with him stood speechless, hearing the voice but seeing no one. Saul rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus.” (Acts 9:3-8 ESV).

His name was then changed to Paul, and he went on to preach the gospel to Gentiles all across the Roman Empire. (Gentiles were any people groups during the Roman empire that weren’t Jewish). He also wrote a good portion of the New Testament.

Another prime example in scripture of God’s forgiveness and redemption is the Apostle Peter who denied Jesus three times before Jesus was crucified. And when Jesus raised himself from the dead, He forgave Peter. In the book of John it says,

“When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.” (John 21:15-17, ESV bible).

Not only did God forgive Peter but He went on to use Peter to build God’s church and as one of the primary leaders of the early church. These are only two examples in scripture of sinful men that repented of their sin, and God was faithful to forgive and redeem.

Through all of the sin, pain and heartache that I just shared, God started to do something in my life. He intentionally placed Christians in my path and pointed me to Him. He also used what I had been taught as a child to bring me to the point of salvation.

There was one Professor at my University who taught a liberal arts class with faith incorporated into it. It was apparent to me that the way in which He lived His life was for Jesus. Now because it was a Covid year, he wasn’t allowed to have students over to his home. But he normally opened his home up to students, and his wife would make cookies and minister to people. His kindness towards me and other students was very touching, and he represented Christ well.

I also had quite a few women that I met that year who loved the Lord. They were still immature in their faith, and yet they bore the spiritual fruit of being a Christian. Looking back, God used all of those people to point me to Him.

However, I think the turning point for me was when I went on a rafting trip with my university. This was my first time whitewater rafting, and it was a Christian company that we went with. I had so much fun on this trip and it was there that I met the rafting guides that shared their story with me. The rafting guide shared his story about how God saved him, and then the guide in training shared his story. I remember sharing some made up story about how I had been saved from a young age but silently saying to myself “I don’t think I really have a relationship with Jesus.”

During my final term at the University, I decided I needed something new and was going to transfer to a different college. I applied to a small community college near my hometown, and to a small college in Southern Oregon that had a lot of health science majors. I had been in pre-nursing classes at the University I was attending, and knew I wanted to do something in healthcare.

When school wrapped up, I headed home to spend the summer at my parent’s house in Sisters, Oregon. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a western themed town right on the edge of the cascade mountains. There’s a lot of lakes around the area, and I decided to go paddleboarding near the end of May. I didn’t look to see if there was algae blooming in the lake at the end of May, so naturally I decided to go swimming as well as paddleboarding. (It had been an uncharacteristically warm May for Sisters). I had an allergic reaction to the algae and got a really bad rash on my forearms that just kept getting worse over the course of two weeks, and I refused to go to the doctor because I’m very stubborn.

One night I went to my mom and told her she needed to take me into the ER because my throat was closing up, and she hastily rushed me to the nearest ER which was 30 minutes away. They got me in right away and gave me epinephrine through an IV bag and I felt much better. The doctor came in after treating me and started to ask me questions about the darkening of my skin, and I told him that it had been getting worse for about 4 years, and he said he was going to run a test.

The test is called an ACTH level test, and essentially if it comes back high it means you have Addison’s disease. Now keep in mind this was an ER doctor and they’re only supposed to treat what you come in for. I consider it the grace of God that He used that doctor to diagnose me. The doctor came in and told me that my ACTH levels were off the charts high and that I definitely had Addison’s disease. He prescribed hydrocortisone for me until I found an endocrinologist who could help me. I started taking it and though I felt somewhat better, I was still physically very weak. I remember sitting on the floor of the kitchen barely having enough strength to lift the fork to my mouth and eat the top ramen my mom had made me. I was so bitter and depressed after I had been diagnosed, and I was taking it out on everyone around me.

About two weeks after I was diagnosed, I went on a family trip with my siblings. I was acting just awful, and my sister sat me down and tried to talk to me. She just wanted to help, and I got defensive and said very hurtful things. I was so angry at life and my situation, but mostly I was angry with God for allowing it to happen to me.

About a week after that family trip, my parents were out of town and I was home alone. I went in the hot tub, and I got out and felt physically very weak so I laid down on my bed and it was then that I decided that I was going to take my own life. I didn’t know how or when, I just knew that I felt my sin and my pain so heavy upon myself that I could feel it in my chest. And I didn’t want to live anymore, I cried out to God and said

“I give up God, please show me that you’re real.”

That night He saved me and brought me from death to life.

After that I started seeking after God, I started attending a local church and I was a soul set on fire by God himself. I had no wisdom or scriptural basis, but I knew one thing, that I loved God and that He saved me.

On August 29, 2021, I was baptized in Riverbend Park by the pastor of my church as a public declaration of my faith. That summer was probably the hardest summer of my life. Emotionally I was all over the place, navigating being a brand new Christian and navigating the hormonal imbalances that my Addison’s disease had caused. I probably cried everyday that summer. I was working at a local pool as a “supervisor.” Which basically meant I got to sit there and get paid, making sure people weren’t getting too rowdy and checking the chemicals in the pool.

I read a lot of good books that summer, and I met a lot of wonderful people. I would literally tell anyone who would listen about Jesus and what He had done for me. I spent time with this sweet older lady, and we talked all about life and walking with God. That community was so kind to me, and when I left one of the members of the community gave me a gift card to say thank you.

At the end of that summer, I went off to school at Oregon Institute of Technology or OIT in Klamath Falls, Oregon. My health still wasn’t doing very well when I moved from Sisters to Klamath Falls, and to be honest I didn’t really want to leave my church family. I was so anxious about everything that I couldn’t even hold down a cheese stick, much less the medication I was supposed to be taking.

I’m pretty convinced that God was the one who kept me alive during that time, because Addison’s disease can be pretty serious if a person gets sick or is stressed out. The body just doesn’t produce enough cortisol to combat whatever is placing stress on it. I probably should have gone to the hospital to be treated for it, but my mind was so foggy that I wasn’t making good decisions. I prayed and leaned on God, and He started to heal my body over time.

It took a lot of time to work through all of the sin that happened before I was a Christian, it wasn’t like those temptations or hurts all went away the moment I got saved. What did change was my desires. God did a complete one-eighty on my heart, and I started to desire to please Him instead of pleasing myself.

There were times when I still gave into temptation though. About a month into going to OIT, I started spending time with a group of guys who were not believers. My roommate at the time tried to warn me but I didn’t listen. I let one of them drive me around in their car while they got high. One night we went out into the woods and got drunk. And I got involved with one of the guys and ended up sleeping in his bed. I was so ashamed of what I did, how I spit in God’s face and continued to live in sin even after He saved me. I couldn’t even look at that guy the entire time I was at OIT. But God abounding in his grace and steadfast love helped me to turn from my sin and reminded me that my sins were forgiven.

There was another time about 3 months into going to OIT. I had gone home for winter break and decided to go to a party with a friend. I shared my faith with the people at that party and told them that I refused to drink. I also shared with a couple of girls why I was no longer living in sexual sin but had decided to wait until I got married. Even though I had the right heart about it, I lacked wisdom and understanding of what it means to flee from temptation.

Later that night I found myself downstairs alone with my friend’s brother who told me that the people upstairs were doing what he called “snow” which is slang for cocaine. I felt deeply disturbed, and I left. I refused to drink for a long time after that, feeling very convicted that it was a temptation I needed to flee from. I don’t think it’s unbiblical to enjoy a drink every once in a while, but I didn’t want to go back to being the old person I was before I got saved.

I tried a lot of churches in the area, some good and some not so great. Eventually I was invited by a friend to this little Baptist church. It was there that I was taught sound theology and the importance of studying the bible. I was taught what it means to walk life with God. That congregation taught me that we are to love one another in the church. And they showed me that every time I spent time with anyone from the church. I was incredibly blessed with a lot of solid Christian friends who continually pointed me to Christ and encouraged me as I grew in my faith. It was my first church home and will always have a special place in my heart. While I was living in Klamath Falls, I met my husband, Ezra who I thank God for every day.

After three years at OIT, we had to leave for my schooling to finish up my last year doing an internship in Portland. It was a very difficult year for my health, and for me as a person. We were very blessed to have a small group from our church at the end of our time in Portland. They took us in and loved us and then sent us out as we moved on from school to where we are now: Living in a small town in Oregon and enjoying being married. I just took a big step of faith and quit my job.

Because of my Addison’s disease, I was unable to handle the stresses of working a forty-hour work week. To be honest, some days I’m afraid, but then God reminds me that He is sovereign over it all, and He will provide for us. He continues to use my broken body to remind me just how much I need Him every day. And for that I will always be grateful.

My story doesn’t end here, it will continue to be written by the creator of the Universe, a loving and faithful God through all my life. To Him be the glory forever amen.