I have been a Christian for nearly as long as I can remember; probably since I was about 6 or 7. I truly believe that my sins were buried with Jesus, and He is alive today. But I have a problem: I have embraced the gospel, but I don’t have a moment or a date I can point to as the instant I became part of God’s kingdom. I don’t remember that defining moment at all.
The people who I have heard give testimonies of their salvation all seem to have a dramatic tale to tell, when they “used to be a terrible terrible sinner, but God changed them dramatically” and they “saw the light.” It had always made me feel like I was missing out on something big, and that I haven’t experienced the full transformation of salvation. This has always planted a seed of doubt in my heart about my ability to serve God correctly, and if I am even saved or not. In America, we have everything we could possibly want or need, and because of this I often find myself not relying on God for anything, and that scares me.
How do I know whether I am saved or not if God isn’t doing anything radical in my life, and I find myself sinning a lot? I am really struggling right now! I definitely have felt the Holy Spirit moving before and I was baptized when I was 13, and I have grown a lot spiritually since then. But I have gone through really intense seasons of fear and doubt, especially over whether or not I am actually accepted by God as one of His children because of the ordinary, non-transformatory circumstance of my salvation. I desperately want God to use me for His glory, but I ask myself all the time – why would He choose ME?
I am extremely shy about sharing God’s Word with others, and I have no great testimony or influence. It breaks my heart just to think about it. If anyone has struggled with the same thing (or even if you haven’t) and can offer me some Scriptural encouragement, I would really appreciate it! Thank you so much for reading! 🙂