Hi All,
At this moment I’m heartbroken beyond anything that I’ve ever experienced.
I made so many mistakes to date and it sickens me.
My Story: I met this girl via a friend a few years ago: she was the most beautiful, funny, loving, interesting person I’ve ever met. Problem is that she was dating my friend. Fast forward and we grew close to the point where we cheated on my friend, and she left him for me. I was so in love and so infatuated with this girl that my friendship or the hurt I caused to my friend did not matter to me. Obviously her mother did not approve of the way we got to be in a relationship, but we were ready to fight the world to be!
I then went on a trip, we were dating for 3 weeks by then and I was going to be away for three weeks, I returned and was informed that she had seen her ex (my ex-friend) only to find out later that she has sexual relations with him in my absence. I only found this out 8 months into the relationship. Point is she lied and cheated on me a few times but I found out about it all at once! I was so angry. So Heartbroken. so deeply hurt! But I loved her, so I forgave her, but we would never be the same.
I did not trust her at all, I demanded her to check in and show me her mgs phone Facebook and so on. She could not go to her friends without me accompanying her, I ended up being controlling, jealous and bitter, however it wasn’t bad, I showed her affection and love as long as she stayed with the rules. We had amazing intercourse and then in Jan this year it suddenly stopped when she started a job. She kept on talking about this guy and how great he is and how awesome he is with his work, at the same time I had was going through a very tough time with family and stuff. She didn’t support me at all, it’s like I was just there.
Fast forward a few months she and I had no intimacy, her explanation is that she gave her life to God, I respected that but the last time she did this she was actually cheating on me with another guy and used that to justify her lack of affection. So obviously I was skeptical. We took a break and got back together, it lasted a week or two then I broke it off because I felt that she as not contributing to us, not trying to better us or to work on us.
During this time I fell into a pit of despair, sleeping with random girls and just damaging myself. It took a month for her to come back but all of a sudden her No-sex changed and she was intimate with me again, this obviously only lasted 2 weeks then she pulled away again, we started fighting again and she ended up suggesting we be friends rather than partners 2 weeks later. However she mentioned that there was no one in her life she started seeing someone after just 1 month of splitting up.
We were together for 2 years.
Now that you know the story here is some insight. The person who I loved the most died in a car accident when I was 17, thereafter I fell in love and dated another girl for 2 years she left me for another man. Then this girl came into my life, and it ended.
It took such a toll on me that I had no choice but to look at my life and how I’m living! I mean, how this girl whom I loved so much can and so passionately leave me to be with another, even after I gave so much, forgave so much. I mean she cheated, lied and betrayed me but I loved her and stayed! Then I realized what was actually happening! I was selfish because I was actually in love with an idea! She was beautiful, and if I say that I mean beyond my wildest dreams! Everyone wanted to be with her!
So 2 months after the breakup I ended up giving my life to Jesus and trough him seeking the kingdom of God! I vowed to better myself and to be the man that God intended me to be even if it’s going to hurt or cause me to lose everything, I’ve built on my own till now. I’m not going to lie! I pray to God to return her to me, I pray to God that I can forgive her because deep down I really want her to get hurt so she realizes what she lost
(I say this because God already knows I’m feeling this way, I confess these feelings to him knowing that they are wrong and ask him to help me to forgive her and allow me to let go.)
Now you must be wondering WOW this guy is a bad person. but that is the thing! I’m Honest about my thoughts because I can’t hide them from God! So all I can do is to ask him to help me become what he wants me to be.
I haven’t contacted my ex in 9 weeks since the breakup; I want to fight for her so badly! You have no idea. but I don’t! I give it over to God and if she is supposed to be in my life it will happen. If she is supposed to meet someone else (as she has) I can only wish her well and pray for her. But I WILL NOT get in between her and her new love.
What I’ve decided to do is to trust that God has my complete happiness and love in his power and it will be greater and more fulfilling than I can ever imagine, I decided that I will not have sex again until I get married and I have given my life over to God so that he can direct me, mould me and shape me to his will, as I’ve been trying to do it on my own and clearly it’s not working!
I got naked and leaped into the shower last night after trying to find a way to give my heart to Jesus! I symbolically washed my body saying the following (I don’t know why I did this but it just happened)
- I washed my feet and said
I’m washing the feet that walked the wrong path and I will give God these new clean feet to direct
- I washed my legs and said
I wash these legs that stood for the wrong things so that I can give them to God, let me stand for the right things
- I washed my Bottom and said
I’m washing my bottom to show that I’m getting up from the ashes and Filth I’ve been sitting in
- I washed my genitals and said
I’m washing off all the lust and sexual desires of the world so that I can keep my mind pure. I vow to keep myself now for my Wife
- I washed my chest and Said
I wash my Chest to clean off all the worldly desires of my heart, to allow God to take hold of a clean heart and mould it to his will and fill it with love
- I washed my Back and said
I wash my back as I’ve turned it on God so many times, and also the wounds from past hurts, and now I ask for forgiveness
- I washed my hands and arms saying
I wash my hands and arms to clean them of all the ugly things I’ve done, to ask forgiveness for fighting his will and for hurting others with my actions
- I washed my Shoulders and said
I wash off the worldly weight that is on my shoulders, please God take this from me
- I washed my Face and said
I wash my mouth, to cleanse the things I said lies and hurtful things, my eyes for not seeing the light, nose for not being humble and ears for listening to the wrong and wicked
- I washed my Hair and said
I wash my hair because I like how it feels, it completely cleanses the mind and makes me feel new, Please God make me New
I opened up the shower door and stated, I now walk into this world after washing all my filth down the drain! I choose to do this every day and I am reborn in Jesus. I noticed also my mind thinking, Does God really Exist or is this just me trying to hold onto something after being heartbroken and have I lost my mind even You know your only doing this until you feel better then you’ll lose your way again. Point is that I can’t hide these thoughts from God! He knows and hears everything before it happens. So I go to him with it and say Please Jesus, help me to fully give in to your love and will, here I am, take me. I am doubtful and thinking things that are impure, but I consciously ask you to hear my voice and still my heart and head from these voices that doubt and distrust.
I have no choice but to give my life over to him, I asked my father if it’s wrong to run to God when it’s a bad time in your life. I felt like I was using God! I ran to him when my first love died and then when things got better, I moved away from him. But then it hit me! Running to God must be seen as a Child running to his father, it’s the point to do so and to become close with God and things are put on your path that will STOP you if you’re on the wrong path and draw you close
I noticed one thing in my realization, it’s that the fear to become fully emerged in God’s love is to me having to give up who I am and change. But let me tell you this, I asked God about this and realized that I am made and created the way I am, God wants me to be ME! I mean I am Witty, teasing, sometimes arrogant, hard-headed analytical and passionate person. That’s who I am, and God made me that way! So that who I will be in God, obviously not to be destructive, but I am Strong willed, and I have a Fire in me, and I am Fierce. This is who God wanted me to be so never think you need to conform, and you need to deny yourself.
Lastly: God put it in my Heart to ask my friend who I betrayed for forgiveness, and I did. We ended up getting past this and we are friends again. I pray that God will heal my heart and make me happy and whole again, I pray that he will give me a woman that I can love and who will love me, I also pray that he will bring back my ex if it’s his will, but I put that in his hand
UPDATE: 29 August
I woke up today after praying to God to help me resolve this feeling of Powerlessness and pain I have. I was feeling so alone, so hurt and so torn up about our breakup and I constantly think about my ex, every moment of every day, and the idea of her being with someone else was running around in my mind destroying every part of my self and leaving scars on my heart and head.
So I went to work as usual, I did the things I usually do but then all of a sudden, I got this urge to contact her. Now this was strange for me because I didn’t ever want to contact or speak to her again, Not because I was mad but because it HURT so much!
So I went to my car, dialled the number, said a quick prayer and she answered! I said Hello and asked how she was. Then panicking I started!
I told her the reason I phoned what to ask her forgiveness for the things I’ve done wrong that hurt her and made her sad.
I told her that I gave my heart to Jesus and I thank her for her part she played in my life.
I told her that I forgive her for everything she did and that I really want to close that chapter and allow myself and her to move on with no pain or regrets.
We spoke for an hour about things happening in our lives, I told her that I prayed for her every night and that I love her and always will but made it clear that I’m saying that because I want her to know that I will be there for her when she needs comfort and when life gets hard. I told her that I prayed for God to get us back together but didn’t fight for her because it’s not in my will but in His and that I pray every day that she will receive his love protection and joy, that she will make her way to the lord.
Although speaking to her was very hard and very painful I told her that I will always be there if she needed a friend.
After the call I had mixed feelings, I felt that I can try to win her back but then prayed so that God takes away this human need and give me the insight and strength to let him do his work and his will in my life. I am honest with Jesus when we speak, I tell him that my heart desires her but i ask him for what I desire only because I don’t know what he has planned for my life.
I had a show that night, so I spoke to God all the way there, about an hour’s drive. I also had the opportunity to talk to 3 different people about love and Jesus who were not on the right path and they heard me, accepted me and I could see little light bulbs going off in their heads. I prayed that God would work in their lives on my way home!
My ex sent me a message and told me that she is grateful that I contacted her, and we sorted out the past, she said thank you for the confirmation that she can contact me when needed and that I should be safe.
I prayed like never before that night! I asked for guidance, love peace and trust, I asked Jesus to help me do what is right because I’ve only been in his love for a little while and I have no experience. I asked him to be with me, allow me to see his will and allow me to move on from this relationship and the pain and loss. And for some reason I started thinking about my ex:
I realized that she’s too young to understand and won’t give her life to God now as she is enjoying the physical life more.
I realized that she may not be right for me after all because in order to truly be we both needed to put Jesus first in our lives.
Then it dawned on me! I need to not be her love! I needed to be her brother, I love her but I need to be there too to guide her and catch her and take her back to Jesus.
NOW before you say : your making these things up in your mind so that you can justify being in her life with God’s will. I Say to you that I will not interfere or contact her or make appointments, I opened the door for her to contact me, I will leave it in God’s hands to work in her life but I will be there when I’m needed.
IVE made more progress with this in two weeks than I did on my own for 2 months! I feel happy, I feel joy, I feel loved, and I feel special, I also have this low pain and anxiousness because I still have feelings for my Ex and want to be with her, but that will pass eventually by the grace of God and NOW I have one goal in my life.
TO BE A TRUE MAN OF GOD, TO SHINE WITH HIS GLORY AND LOVE SO OTHERS CAN SEE IT IN ME, TO BE THE BEST MAN I CAN BE AND TO LOVE OTHERS LIKE GOD LOVES ME!
Regards,
If you want to speak to me about the above please feel free to contact me here… ainsliearts at gmail dot com
Hi Ainslie,
Thanks for pouring out your heart on this page. I congratulate you on trying to mend your relationship with the Lord and let him be your guidance. Don’t give up. When we surrender ourselves to the Lord, we have to be faithful, and trust completely in His WILL for us. We cannot give God any condition either when we ask HIm for a favor. He does what He believes will be good for us.
I understand that you fell in love with this girl who end up hurting you. You did somethings that make you feel ashamed and not man enough BUT GOD DOES UNDERSTAND HOW WE FEEL AND HE IS OUR COMFORT IF WE LET HIM IN OUR HEARTS. HE IS A GOD WHO FORGIVES AND REBUILD US AGAIN. However, since He forgave us, we have to ask God to teach us to do the same to those who hurt us. Bitterness will only make us loose peace in ourselves and we continue to hurt. Instead of praying that God brings that girl you love back to you, PRAY THAT THE LORD GIVES YOU A GIRL WHO IS BEST FOR YOU. Ask HIm for His WILL for you because a lot of times we think we know what we want but we end up hurt again. Rather wait for the Lord and ask HIm to be your direction.
I know that a lot of times, in relationships like this, we act on our feelings not SPIRIT. our feelings leads us to think we are in love….. and who knows it might be just lust and many other… selfish things we think BUT THERE IS NO TRUE LOVE AT ALL.
I will leave you with a verse.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
UPDATE: 29 August
I woke up today after praying to God to help me resolve this feeling of powerlessness and pain I have. I was feeling so alone, so hurt and so torn up about our breakup and I constantly think about my ex, every moment of every day, and the idea of her being with someone else was running around in my mind destroying every part of my self and leaving scars on my heart and head.
So, I went to work as usual, I did the things I usually do but then all of a sudden, I got this urge to contact her. Now this was strange for me because I didn’t ever want to contact or speak to her again, Not because I was mad but because it HURT so much!
So I went to my car, dialed the number, said a quick prayer and she answered! I said Hello and asked how she was. Then panicking I started!
I told her the reason I phoned what to ask her forgiveness for the things I’ve done wrong that hurt her and made her sad.
I told her that I gave my heart to Jesus and I thank her for her part she played in my life.
I told her that I forgive her for everything she did and that I really want to close that chapter and allow myself and her to move on with no pain or regrets.
We spoke for an hour about things happening in our lives, I told her that I prayed for her every night and that I love her and always will but made it clear that I’m saying that because I want her to know that I will be there for her when she needs comfort and when life gets hard. I told her that I prayed for God to get us back together but didn’t fight for her because it’s not in my will but in His and that I pray every day that she will receive his love protection and joy, that she will make her way to the lord.
Although speaking to her was very hard and very painful I told her that I will always be there if she needed a friend.
After the call I had mixed feelings, I felt that I can try to win her back but then prayed so that God takes away this human need and give me the insight and strength to let him do his work and his will in my life. I am honest with Jesus when we speak, I tell him that my heart desires her but i ask him for what I desire only because I don’t know what he has planned for my life.
I had a show that night so I spoke to God all the way there, about an hour’s drive. I also had the opportunity to talk to 3 different people about love and Jesus who were not on the right path and they heard me, accepted me and I could see little light bulbs going off in their heads. I prayed that God will work in their lives on my way home!
My ex sent me a message and told me that she is grateful that I contacted her and we sorted out the past, she said thank you for the confirmation that she can contact me when needed and that I should be safe.
I prayed like never before that night! I asked for guidance, love peace and trust, I asked Jesus to help me do what is right because I’ve only been in his love for a little while and I have no experience. I asked him to be with me, allow me to see his will and allow me to move on from this relationship and the pain and loss. And for some reason I started thinking about my ex:
I realized that she’s too young to understand and won’t give her life to God now as she is enjoying the physical life more. I realised that she may not be right for me after all because in order to truly be we both needed to put Jesus first in our lives.
Then it dawned on me! I need to not be her love! I needed to be her brother, I love her but I need to be there too to guide her and catch her and take her back to Jesus.
NOW before you say: you’re making these things up in your mind so that you can justify being in her life with God’s will. I Say to you that I will not interfere or contact her or make appointments, I opened the door for her to contact me, I will leave it in God’s hands to work in her life, but I will be there when I’m needed.
IVE made more progress with this in two weeks than I did on my own for 2 months! I feel happy, I feel joy, I feel loved and I feel special, I also have this low pain and anxiousness because I still have feelings for my Ex and want to be with her, but that will pass eventually by the grace of God and NOW I have one goal in my life.
TO BE A TRUE MAN OF GOD, TO SHINE WITH HIS GLORY AND LOVE SO OTHERS CAN SEE IT IN ME, TO BE THE BEST MAN I CAN BE AND TO LOVE OTHERS LIKE GOD LOVES ME!
Hi again, I am glad you contacted her and asked for forgiveness and so on. When you forgive someone, it frees you and that is the truth. It leaves you powerful in a sense that you are in control of everything around you and YOU GET TO FOCUS ON WHAT\’S IMPORTANT.
I understand your honesty of asking God for that”exact” thing you want in your life. Sometimes God does give us that exact thing we want. Sometimes he does not and sometimes he takes those things we love too much from us SO WE CAN FOCUS ON HIM. It is in the Lord we find pure joy
I would also want to say, DONT EVER FORCE things to happen. Somethings happen so we can experience the goodness of God in our lives. Also remember that the devil likes to trick people and only makes everything sound too beautiful in our ears. When we are buried by darkness, he is nowhere to rescue us. It is good that you left room to be in contact with your ex, but be careful.
I would also like you to ask yourself this question. I am not an expert in anything.. but a college student lol and its good to brainstorm sometimes and reflect.
iF YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX AGAIN RIGHT, WOULD YOU STILL “LOVE” HER WITHOUT ANY SEX? If you were to to put aside the beauty of her, and sex, would you still feel the same way about her and only have sex til after you guys are married? And just because every other guy wants to be with her doesnt make her any golden. Dont compete with anyone. you deserve someone worth your time and stress.
I will tell you my little story lol.
I have been in a relationship once with this guy. I have always believed that relationship begins with friendship. Friendship is very important. Doing things together like visiting the museum and so on. I always avoided going to places that didnt allow me to know my guy-friend more lol… in places where I would end up maybe having sex and so on. I always went to places were many other people were around. I got to know this guy a lot and I even found out that he wasnt for me from just doing those talks and asking him basic questions. he only wanted sex from me and that was his :i love you”. When I told him I didnt want to have sex till marriage, the dude was nowhere to be found on the map. If he was the one, he could have stayed and waited.. something like that.
When I went on dates, I ALWAYS PAID MY OWN FOOD, unless he offered to take me there himself. This was the discipline I had for my self. you set boundaries for yourself so that you can grow to know your friend first before falling in love.
A lot of times, when my friend would bring me flowers for my birthday, I didnt owe Him a kiss or anything other than a THANK YOU. being in relationship comes with self discipline so that you dont fall into those dirty pits.
I chose abstinence from sex because I know I am worth more than gold. I chose to invest my time in getting to know guys, build my relationship with them step by step .. til marriage. That is very tough to do but like I said, self discipline does wonders. If I do not think I will spend my life with you, why should I care to open my legs to you? Its all about preserving one’s dignity, value and respect. Its tough but the Lord has helped me with patience, strength and i always feel like a princess and of course I want huge blessing for being obedient lol.
If you don’t want to be hurt again, pray that the Lord gives you strength and patience to wait for him to give you the right girl. Dont give your heart quickly because you will only get hurt. True love waits and the best gifts come from the Lord.
With the help of the Lord, you can be the best man you want to be. Leave out your ex in the picture and focus on the Lord. He will do wonders for you. thinking about your ex wil only continue to hurt you and make you lose focus on what matters the most. The lord has the best in his basket but only those who wait will get to enjoy everything He has for them. all the best to you.
Hi there,
I want to thank you for taking time to reply and comment on this post.
To answer your question, in my heart i know i could love her with no sex and sinful things. I also know that her way to love was with sex.
I know God will send someone who will firstly seek to grow close and walk with Jesus, who will serve Him with me and will wait till wed for all the rest.
I admire your discipline and your courage and that is exactly how i intend to go about relationships in future. Don’t misunderstand if i ask God for her to be back in my life! First and foremost I want God to take my life and mould it as the scripture said. i ask him to reunite me and my ex because its a human desire, i know if he does i will do it right this time! But its up to God and if he believes she isn’t right or isn’t on the right path i will accept it and follow Jesus until i am blessed with a soul mate
My NEW drive is to be an example to all who see me. What i haven’t told yet is that i play in a band, we have many followers but its not a religious band, ! 3 of the four of us are atheists and we play in places that very few Christians go to. Now at first i thought this will mean i need to leave this but when i asked God he gave me the scripture that said, Jesus surrounded himself with sinners. And since i gave my Heart to God I’ve had the opportunity to talk to many lost people and pray for them. I’ve had people approach me and ask why I’m so happy and noticed there is a certain something about me!
I asked God to show me my path and that night he gave me Jeremiah 1:6 to 10 .
Yes my human desires are still there, i long for my lost love! But i ask not for what i desire if its not in his will.
I need some advice on how to let go though…..
Hi! I was moved by your testimony! I surrendered also my relationship to God. Do you have twitter account? Im trying to keep up with christian friends! @khaidelatorre :>
Thank you for sharing this testimony. I am also being made to let go of someone I love very much. I cried when I read your testimony especially the part about asking God to cleanse you in the shower. It was so moving and made me realize that there really are men out there who will wait for sex and do want to live for God. Its really sometimes hard to remember that there are single men who will sacrifice this and truly live for God. Don’t stop what you are doing. It gives me inspiration. I think the hardest part about letting go is thinking that you have to the ability to have faith that God will work it out and bring them back. I waited for a man basically for 12 years and he did come back and we got married. But I was left as a widow one year later. I felt angry and bitter and turned my back on God. How could God have me wait and give this man to me finally and then quickly take him away? I was so angry that I tried to be with his brother and just flung all morality out the window by shacking up and letting him live with me for two years. I’ve finally come back to God but I continue to have such a hard time letting this man go. I quit contacting him in July of this year. I only let him reach out to me which is unpredictable and he has hurt me many times. Somehow I still cling to the thought that God is going to save him and we will be together. He did that with my husband so why not again? But when people tell you that you shouldn’t believe it or walk in faith about it that’s when the pain starts for me. I’m rambling but I guess I just wanted to let you know that it really made my day to see a single man become broken and giving everything to God. That seems so rare today and it is precious. It made me cry. Thank you for sharing.
Wow this was encouraging… I too went through a similar chapter in my life where I loved a toxic person that was of the world n prayed for them to come back to me but keep it in the will of God he knows what you need before you really need it. Where I was so disobedient he had to let this guy hurt me beyond measures and make me sick in order for me to let go. I would pray and ask for signs to show me he’s not for me, receive the signs and still stay but God bless you, stay encouraged n let God continue to manifest in your life 🙂