At this moment I’m heartbroken beyond anything that I’ve ever experienced.
I made so many mistakes to date and it sickens me.
My Story: I met this girl via a friend a few years ago: she was the most beautiful, funny, loving, interesting person I’ve ever met. Problem is that she was dating my friend. Fast forward and we grew close to the point where we cheated on my friend and she left him for me. I was so in love and so infatuated with this girl that my friendship or the hurt I caused to my friend did not matter to me. Obviously her mother did not approve of the way we got to be in a relationship but we were ready to fight the world to be!
I then went on a trip, we were dating for 3 weeks by then and I was going to be away for three weeks, I returned and was informed that she had seen her ex (my ex-friend) only to find out later that she has sexual relations with him in my absence. I only found this out 8 months into the relationship. Point is she lied and cheated on me a few times but I found out about it all at once! I was so angry. So Heartbroken. so deeply hurt! But I loved her, so I forgave her, but we would never be the same. I did not trust her at all, I demanded her to check in and show me her mgs phone Facebook and so on. She could not go to her friends without me accompanying her, I ended up being controlling, jealous and bitter, however it wasn’t bad, I showed her affection and love as long as she stayed with the rules. We had amazing intercourse and then in Jan this year it suddenly stopped when she started a job. She kept on talking about this guy and how great he is and how awesome he is with his work, at the same time I had was going through a very tough time with family and stuff. She didn’t support me at all, it’s like I was just there.
Fast forward a few months she and I had no intimacy, her explanation is that she gave her life to God, I respected that but the last time she did this she was actually cheating on my with another guy and used that to justify her lack of affection. So obviously I was sceptical. We took a break and got back together, it lasted a week or two then I broke it off because I felt that she as not contributing to us, not trying to better us or to work on us. During this time I fell into a pit of despair, sleeping with random girls and just damaging myself. It took a month for her to come back but all of a sudden her No-sex changed and she was intimate with me again, this obviously only lasted 2 weeks then she pulled away again, we started fighting again and she ended up suggesting we be friends rather than partners 2 weeks later. However she mentioned that there was no one in her life she started seeing someone after just 1 month of splitting up.
We were together for 2 years.
Now that you know the story here is some insight. The person who I loved the most died in a car accident when I was 17, thereafter I fell in love and dated another girl for 2 years she left me for another man. Then this girl came into my life and it ended.
It took such a toll on me that I had no choice but to look at my life and how I’m living! I mean, how this girl whom I loved so much can and so passionately leave me to be with another, even after I gave so much, forgave so much. I mean she cheated, lied and betrayed me but I loved her and stayed! Then I realized what was actually happening! I was selfish because I was actually in love with an idea! She was beautiful, and if I say that I mean beyond my wildest dreams! Everyone wanted to be with her!
So 2 months after the breakup I ended up giving my life to Jesus and trough him seeking the kingdom of God! I vowed to better myself and to be the man that God intended me to be even if it’s going to hurt or cause me to lose everything I’ve built on my own till now. I’m not going to lie! I pray to God to return her to me, I pray to God that I can forgive her because deep down I really want her to get hurt so she realizes what she lost
(I say this because God already knows I’m feeling this way, I confess these feelings to him knowing that they are wrong and ask him to help me to forgive her and allow me to let go.)
Now you must be wondering WOW this guy is a bad person. but that is the thing! I’m Honest about my thoughts because I can’t hide them from God! So all I can do is to ask him to help me become what he wants me to be.
I haven’t contacted my ex in 9 weeks since the breakup; I want to fight for her so badly! You have no idea. but I don’t! I give it over to God and if she is supposed to be in my life it will happen. If she is supposed to meet someone else (as she has) I can only wish her well and pray for her. But I WILL NOT get in between her and her new love.
What I’ve decided to do is to trust that God has my complete happiness and love in his power and it will be greater and more fulfilling than I can ever imagine, I decided that I will not have sex again until I get married and I have given my life over to God so that he can direct me, mould me and shape me to his will, as I’ve been trying to do it on my own and clearly it’s not working!
I got naked and leaped into the shower last night after trying to find a way to give my heart to Jesus! I symbolically washed my body saying the following (I don’t know why I did this but it just happened)
- I washed my feet and said
I’m washing the feet that walked the wrong path and I will give God these new clean feet to direct
- I washed my legs and said
I wash these legs that stood for the wrong things so that I can give them to God, let me stand for the right things
- I washed my Bottom and said
I’m washing my bottom to show that I’m getting up from the ashes and Filth I’ve been sitting in
- I washed my genitals and said
I’m washing off all the lust and sexual desires of the world so that I can keep my mind pure. I vow to keep myself now for my Wife
- I washed my chest and Said
I wash my Chest to clean off all the worldly desires of my heart, to allow God to take hold of a clean heart and mould it to his will and fill it with love
- I washed my Back and said
I wash my back as I’ve turned it on God so many times, and also the wounds from past hurts, and now I ask for forgiveness
- I washed my hands and arms saying
I wash my hands and arms to clean them of all the ugly things I’ve done, to ask forgiveness for fighting his will and for hurting others with my actions
- I washed my Shoulders and said
I wash off the worldly weight that is on my shoulders, please God take this from me
- I washed my Face and said
I wash my mouth, to cleanse the things I said lies and hurtful things, my eyes for not seeing the light, nose for not being humble and ears for listening to the wrong and wicked
- I washed my Hair and said
I wash my hair because I like how it feels, it completely cleanses the mind and makes me feel new, Please god make me New
I opened up the shower door and stated, I now walk into this world after washing all my filth down the drain! I choose to do this every day and I am reborn in Jesus. I noticed also my mind thinking, Does God really Exist or is this just me trying to hold onto something after being heartbroken and have I lost my mind even You know your only doing this until you feel better then you’ll lose your way again. Point is that I can’t hide these thought’s from God! He knows and hears everything before it happens. So I go to him with it and say Please Jesus, help me to fully give in to your love and will, here I am, take me.. I am doubtful and thinking things that are impure, but I consciously ask you to hear my voice and still my heart and head from these voices that doubt and distrust.
I have no choice but to give my life over to him, I asked my father if it’s wrong to run to God when it’s a bad time in your life. I felt like I was using God! I ran to him when my first love died and then when things got better, I moved away from him.. But then it hit me! Running to God must be seen as a Child running to his father, it’s the point to do so and to become close with God and things are put on your path that will STOP you if you’re on the wrong path and draw you close
I noticed one thing in my realization, It’s that the fear to become fully emerged in God’s love is to me having to give up who I am and change. But let me tell you this, I asked God about this and realized that I am made and created the way I am, God wants me to be ME! I mean I am Witty, teasing, sometimes arrogant, hard-headed analytical and passionate person. That’s who I am and God made me that way! So that who I will be in God, obviously not to be destructive, but I am Strong willed and I have a Fire in me, and I am Fierce. This is who God wanted me to be so never think you need to Conform and you need to deny yourself.
Lastly: God put it in my Heart to ask my friend who I betrayed for forgiveness, and I did. We ended up getting past this and we are friends again. I pray that God will heal my heart and make me happy and whole again, I pray that he will give me a woman that I can love and who will love me, I also pray that he will bring back my ex if it’s his will, but I put that in his hand
UPDATE: 29 August
I woke up today after praying to God to help me resolve this feeling of Powerlessness and pain I have. I was feeling so alone, so hurt and so torn up about our breakup and I constantly think about my ex, every moment of every day, and the idea of her being with someone else was running around in my mind destroying every part of my self and leaving scars on my heart and head.
So I went to work as usual, I did the things I usually do but then all of a sudden I got this urge to contact her. Now this was strange for me because I didn’t ever want to contact or speak to her again, Not because I was mad but because it HURT so much!
So I went to my car, dialled the number, said a quick prayer and she answered! I said Hello and asked how she was. Then panicking I started!
I told her the reason I phoned what to ask her forgiveness for the things I’ve done wrong that hurt her and made her sad.
I told her that I gave my heart to Jesus and I thank her for her part she played in my life.
I told her that I forgive her for everything she did and that I really want to close that chapter and allow myself and her to move on with no pain or regrets.
We spoke for an hour about things happening in our lives, I told her that I prayed for her every night and that I love her and always will but made it clear that I’m saying that because I want her to know that I will be there for her when she needs comfort and when life gets hard. I told her that I prayed for God to get us back together but didn’t fight for her because it’s not in my will but in His and that I pray every day that she will receive his love protection and joy, that she will make her way to the lord.
Although speaking to her was very hard and very painful I told her that I will always be there if she needed a friend.
After the call I had mixed feelings, I felt that I can try to win her back but then prayed so that God takes away this human need and give me the insight and strength to let him do his work and his will in my life. I am honest with Jesus when we speak, I tell him that my heart desires her but i ask him for what I desire only because I don’t know what he has planned for my life.
I had a show that night so I spoke to God all the way there, about an hour’s drive. I also had the opportunity to talk to 3 different people about love and Jesus who were not on the right path and they heard me, accepted me and I could see little light bulbs going off in their heads. I prayed that God will work in their lives on my way home!
My ex sent me a message and told me that she is grateful that I contacted her and we sorted out the past, she said thank you for the confirmation that she can contact me when needed and that I should be safe.
I prayed like never before that night! I asked for guidance, love peace and trust, I asked Jesus to help me do what is right because I’ve only been in his love for a little while and I have no experience. I asked him to be with me, allow me to see his will and allow me to move on from this relationship and the pain and loss. And for some reason I started thinking about my ex:
I realized that she’s too young to understand and won’t give her life to God now as she is enjoying the physical life more.
I realized that she may not be right for me after all because in order to truly be we both needed to put Jesus first in our lives.
Then it dawned on me! I need to not be her love! I needed to be her brother, I love her but I need to be there too to guide her and catch her and take her back to Jesus.
NOW before you say : your making these things up in your mind so that you can justify being in her life with God’s will. I Say to you that I will not interfere or contact her or make appointments, I opened the door for her to contact me, I will leave it in God’s hands to work in her life but I will be there when I’m needed.
IVE made more progress with this in two weeks than I did on my own for 2 months! I feel happy, I feel joy, I feel loved and I feel special, I also have this low pain and anxiousness because I still have feelings for my Ex and want to be with her, but that will pass eventually by the grace of God and NOW I have one goal in my life.
TO BE A TRUE MAN OF GOD, TO SHINE WITH HIS GLORY AND LOVE SO OTHERS CAN SEE IT IN ME, TO BE THE BEST MAN I CAN BE AND TO LOVE OTHERS LIKE GOD LOVES ME!
If you want to speak to me about the above please feel free to contact me here… ainsliearts at gmail dot com