A Heart for Love

My name is Alison and I’m 19 years old. I’ve been a Christian for like 4/5 years. I’m still unsure whether to say 4 or 5 for definite because I gave my life to Jesus in 2005 but it took me a whole year to realise what I signed up for! Anyways I grew up in the church but stopped going when I was about 8 because it just didnt interest me. I always felt out of place in my family if im honest. My brother was the favourite because my parents always talked about having a son and that pressure was so hard to live up to or beat.

At about 14 I started going to church again because a youth group had started. I cant describe how different it felt compared with everything else I had ever been taught about Jesus. The woman who led the worship was so kind and full of love and I could tell her anything without feeling judged. She is the one person that I tell basically everything to. The teaching was amazing and the truth was so clear, but I have always struggled with love. Once I became a Christian my emotions flowed and everything came out and I started to feel free. I felt God near me but there was always ups and downs. I would always wonder when something happened whether or not it was a sign from God. Whilst in about 3rd year of school I just lost interest, I mean its not as if I went totally off the rails or rebellious or anything I just stopped putting effort in at school but without much effort actually managed to gain passes at my standard grade exams. My faith has always went through good phases and bad phases. Looking back now I just see myself as being lost and trying to find myself.

I love to sing and have a gift from God in the form of singing. I loved all the music clubs at school its where you would find me any day of the week and the teacher I had was so inspirational and a great encourager, I talked to her about a lot of things too. I thought my career was heading towards singing so I focused all my attention on my music and in 5th year at school it was the only Higher I passed. I sat 4 highers that year.

6th year started and that’s when things got bad. I had started to hold back a bit from people due to lack of trust. I got talking to this boy in the year below me and I really liked him. See im not the girl who gets all the guys or whatever im shy when it comes down to it. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 18.

Anyways one day I found out he was going out with this other girl and it broke me. that was also the week that my music teacher was leaving and the week my aunt died – by killing herself. If this sounds bad the friend I spent all my time with at school wasn’t there for most of the week I only saw her on the Friday of that week. All that in the space of a week was too much I couldn’t handle it. For a while I was depressed and was really lonely and what’s worse is I didn’t turn to God at all!

This all happened in September at the beginning of the school year. I fell into a state of depression, crying myself to sleep withdrawing from like everything. My school work just fell to pieces too. At about Christmas time things just deteriorated. Our youth group had our yearly Christmas party and after the teaching and worship I just cried and cried my friend held me so tight that night but it was uncontrollable tears. I spoke to my youth leader about a little of it but things just didn’t get better. I went home that night and started to self-harm. I just wanted the pain to go away I was so low nothing made me feel better. This went on over Christmas and into the new year of 2008. My birthday is in January and I stopped harming just before my 17th birthday. I met up with my youth leader and spilled out everything and she prayed with me. On my birthday I was in MacDonald’s after a concert rehearsal and a little boy about the age of 5 told me I was beautiful! After everything, that lifted my spirit! To this day I know that was God and I believe that’s what saved me. I was still lost after that don’t get me wrong but I looked at things from a different set of eyes. I just saw the nastiness of this world and it changed me, matured me.

After that I was a little happier but school was just atrocious I was hiding my scars and I had a relapse when things just didn’t go my way. I think my friends became a bit distant too but to be honest everyone had their own problems a lot had happened within our year group and I’m not gonna go into detail here but if you’re interested send me a message.

After school I went through a year of studying music at college and I just didn’t feel right I wasn’t settled. I also started working at weekends so I really turned away from God and just didnt feel him around me so I walked away from him for a while. I started my second year of college studying music when I decided to leave because I just wasn’t interested anymore. I wasn’t interested in anything.

i started working more hours after I left college and I hated it! I was in it for the money. It tired me out and the colleagues I worked with were not nice people and I was overworked and taken advantage of. it was my first job and it really changed me. I hardened up a lot. I just didn’t let anything affect me after that. My heart was hardened.

i did things that were not me. I got drunk every time I went out, I swore a lot, I gossiped and bitched about people behind their back I wasn’t myself I was horrible in all honesty I had a cheek to call myself a Christian when I was worshipping the devil with my actions.

This year I really turned a corner. Every year our youth group goes away for a weekend of teaching and fellowship. This year was no exception and I was really excited about going this year though. God spoke to me loud and clear. there was a bit of drama the week before it between me and a friend over guess what a boy. this carried on into the weekend the two of us too stubborn to talk to each other. that night I got a right shake up so I spoke to my youth leader and I was in hysterical tears and she prayed with me in tongues it was the scariest thing ive ever heard because I knew it was God. I was so afraid and it changed me because ive never had that fear of God before it was so powerful. after that I spoke to my friend about our immaturity and we sorted it out forgave each other and things lifted. That night I felt different couldn’t get to sleep.

the next day we all got another shock some of our Facebook comments were posted onto the projector it was so shameful. I hated it because everything that was said was true. how could I call myself a Christian when I’m saying and acting like Satan himself! I vowed to change and I did. I repented and I felt like I did in the beginning where I was full of joy and not bringing people down it felt soo good!

Now God is really moving within me because he gave me the strength the quit my job and go to college and study highers. I still have no idea where he is leading me but I put Him first by returning to church and now I help with the pre-school Sunday class its great I love it! I’ve also been praying for a Christian man to come into my life and my friend told me he had feelings for me. I was unsure what to do but I trust God and if its meant to be it will be. I haven’t kissed him yet and we have been “seeing each other” for a week now. He has his own problems but I’ve told him to leave it in the past because I want to give him the opportunity to start afresh like what Jesus did for me. He keeps lying to me and I’ve told him I wont stand for it but it doesn’t stop him. I don’t even know how I feel about him because I’ve been hurt in the past. I cant seem to give out love at the minute but I’m praying all the time for love both inside and out because if I love God with all my heart I can love others with the love he has shown me. I’m afraid that if I drop my guard I will get hurt. Hopefully God will let me feel love again.

3 Comments

  1. Daniela 12/19/2010
  2. minz 5/6/2011
  3. Alison :) 5/7/2011

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