Written February 28th, 2015 @ 4:04pm
Jessica Wolf- Cheyenne, WY
Sunday, May 13th 2007
It was Mother’s day of that year and I hadn’t been to church in almost 2 years. I’d been raised on Christian beliefs my entire life. My dad asked if I’d join them for a special guest speaker service at Cheyenne Christian Center which is now Family Harvest. He said Dick Mills was going to be preaching for us. I had no idea who the man was but I decided I might as well. It might keep my mind off of the holiday at hand.
Dick had a wonderful message. I couldn’t tell you what it was anymore because what happened during, made me forget that anyone else was even present. At some point during his sermon, he asked all the mothers to stand up. I winced and held back tears immediately wishing I hadn’t agreed to be there. Wishing I would’ve stayed at home in bed. My safe zone. As I sat there, he gave the moms a message from God, praising them for being the women they are and encouraging them in all ways of the Lord. When they finally sat down I relaxed some.
Not too long after that, he got quiet for a brief moment and then turned my direction. He pointed right at me and said, “Young lady, please stand up. The Lord has something he wants me to share with you.” I froze, not knowing what was about to happen had me in complete panic. He reassuringly prompted me to stand once more. This time I did and stood there beat red and restless. He continued by saying, “God wants you to stop messing with all these stupid boys. They can’t love you the way God wants you to be loved. They can’t cherish you the way God wants you to be Cherished. He has a husband waiting for you but first you need to seek Him in all things. No man before Him. He loves you more than anyone ever will.” I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Just fought back tears and nodded. Pastor Mills then told me I could sit down with a very sincere smile across his wonderful God fearing face.
You see, not even a year and a half before that, I was pregnant. At only 17 years old I was scared, felt alone in my own thoughts and was extremely sick. I lost roughly 10 to 15lbs the first month after finding out. I had crushed both my parents as well as my heavenly Father. After influence from some people and feeling like I had no other option, I decided I was going to get an abortion. We scheduled the appointment in Boulder, Colorado and I tried to cut my emotions off. The night before the appointment, I laid in bed and my emotional dam split wide open. Tears fell and I prayed, it was all I could think to do. I asked God to tell me somehow if I was doing the right thing or not, to give me a sign. After saying ‘Amen’ in a very muffled sarcastic tone I said, “twins would be an obvious one”.
At the clinic, you had to walk through 3 walls of bullet proof glass. There was so much paperwork and I was terrified I was making the wrong decision. After intake and everything else they had me go through, I met the doctor. He was an older man, emotionless and seemed to avoid eye contact as much as possible. He explained that he was going to do an ultrasound to see where the baby was. As he looked at the screen, his eyes squinted ever so slightly and he asked me if I had done this with my OBGYN in Cheyenne yet. I told him no and while he stopped the machine and removed his gloves he told me I was having twins and that if I needed a minute he would lead me to a private room and get my mom for me. I nodded. I knew right then that God hadn’t taken my sarcasm lightly and that I was not supposed to be there. We needed to leave immediately. Mom didn’t hesitate and we went home.
One night, about a week later, after finally being able to eat without becoming nauseous, I ate 6 pancakes to myself, fairly big ones at that. Mom got home from work and I followed her to her bathroom up the stairs. I sat on her bed while she did her usual makeup removal routine. I didn’t even get 15 minutes of conversation before I knew I had to race for the toilet. I puked every last bit of pancake back up. I laid on the bathroom floor sobbing. My poor body had had enough and I was helpless. I told mom I wanted to go through with the termination.
The next week we were back at the clinic and going through everything I had bailed on previously. They require an over night stay in town for a part of the procedure to be more effective. I won’t share those details. Laying at the hotel, I wanted to go home so badly. To this day I don’t know why I didn’t just say something. The afternoon of the next day I was lying on an examination table, drugged and being “operated” on. I wanted to cry but no tears came. I was numb, I felt like I was dying and I was screaming on the inside ‘Jessica get up and leave! What the hell are you still doing here??!!’. I was grieving before it was even done. My head told me I was a horrible person, that if anyone found out I would be hated and ridiculed and some wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I pushed back my thoughts as best I could. Once done, I looked at the nurse and with tears finally able to come through I told her I was going to puke. She handed me a small bowl and I vomited 4 times. I was disgusted with myself. I didn’t want to be me anymore.
Once home and recovering I made the decision to lie. To tell everyone it was a miscarriage to avoid the judgment and to avoid hurting anyone who wouldn’t understand because hell, I didn’t even understand. The twins’ father comforted me as well as his whole family. The guilt washed over and through me, nightmares and shame haunted me for the next 16 months. The nightmares were so detailed and real. Their father found out the truth after the first 5 months went by and he loathed me. He was so angry. I didn’t blame him. I expected it. I was so incredibly sorry but there was nothing I could say or do to show him my guilt and remorse. He cut me off and we didn’t talk for a couple years.
Going back to the Sunday service with Dick Mills, you can now understand why mother’s day was a weakness for me and why I was so scared for Dick to call me out. I didn’t want my shame evident to the church. I wasn’t ready for anyone to know that about me when they saw me as a sweet girl with a wonderful heart. I told myself that I knew better, I was ugly and horrible and could never get away from the decision I’d made.
When it was my dating life that the Lord had Pastor Mills preach to me about, relief swept over me. I knew he was right and that God was telling me something I needed to hear but I didn’t listen. I didn’t feel worthy of Him so what was the point in listening? What was the point in living for God when I was doomed already for taking the lives of my own babies.
Later that evening, I went to Village Inn on the west side of town and was hanging out with a few friends while we waited for another friend to get off of her shift in the kitchen when Pastor Dick and Pastors Jerry and Opal walked into the restuarant. I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Pastor Dick after service. Something urged me to although I couldn’t understand why, I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. Regardless, I wanted to meet this man whom I had come to find out was an evangelist spreading God’s Word wherever he was called to go. He’d been all over our continent and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity.
I walked towards their table forcing a smile and introduced myself, shook his hand and gave my Pastors, Jerry and Opal, hugs. I told him thank you for telling me exactly what I knew I needed to hear. Before I could even gather my thoughts or feelings, I broke down right there. Through broken tears I explained my abortion to Pastor Mills and I didn’t have to mention how much I hated myself or how I thought God felt about me before he lovingly cut me off and said, “Jessica, you’re a wonderful young woman. You made a wrong decision but you’re not any less of a child of God. He forgives you and your babies forgive you as well. The problem in your heart is your lack of forgiveness in yourself. You have to let go and let God, you know that but you’ve been needing reminded. Let Him take it for you.” My tears cleared up almost instantly. He wrote down a few scriptures on a napkin for me to look up later on. To this day, I still have that napkin somewhere. I thanked him and hugged all three of them so tightly making sure I expressed how much I loved them and walked away with hope for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.
Sometime within that next week, I had a dream. A good dream. Something I hadn’t experienced for too long. I was in heaven but it wasn’t anything elaborate like the out of body experiences some people have been blessed with to visit heaven. I was simply in a setting that I knew was heaven but I saw nothing except two beautiful similar looking mulatto children, one boy and one girl. They looked about 4 or 5 years old and were smiling up at me. There was a silence for a few moments and in that silence I gasped and thought ‘no way, it can’t be’ and just then their mouths opened and said to me, “It’s okay mommy. We love you and we know you love us. We’ve forgiven you.” I just starred and slowly but surely happiness swept through me. The twins reached their hands up toward my face to comfort me and wipe away the tears I hadn’t yet realized were present in my eyes. Before they could make contact, I awoke and sat straight up in my bed. I was in disbelief and then like a flood, I was able to let go of everything I’d held onto since that horrible day. Happy tears poured out and I was so grateful to God for letting me see my precious babies. They were more beautiful than I could have ever managed and they loved me! I slept peacefully through the rest of the night.
I know now that I can’t live with regret for something I cannot change. Remembering Dick Mills last night was triggered by my finishing of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and realizing just how bad my obsession was with the jealousy I felt of a fictional character. I wanted to crawl into the books and be her. After sulking and tears and longing for my own love, for the man I’m supposed to be with I was abruptly stopped in thought by the message I received that Sunday morning. ‘Stop messing with all these boys’ ‘they can’t love you the way God wants you to be loved’ ‘put God first’. I have ignored those words for almost 8 years and have been broken, battered, discouraged, taken advantage of and for granted, I’ve hurt men as well and been a guarded mess. All of that heartache could have been avoided if I would have just listened. If I would have reveled in my Savior and put my attention and time into Him and seeking His Word.
Last night, I was a mess…I was angry with myself, with God, with the world. Was angry I’d let so much of my life go to nothingness. I know what I have to do and I want so badly to be the woman He wants me to be. The woman that He’s made me to be. I want to fulfill my calling and be the daughter to Him I know I can be. I want my Daddy, my Creator, my Yeshüa to live in me and do with me as He sees fit. I’m done trying to do this life myself. I’m rededicating my heart, mind, body and soul to Him and with Him all things are possible!
Take me Lord, forgive me of my sins. Please forgive me for laziness, procrastination, answering to my flesh, for being of the world and not following you. Forgive me for thinking I could do this without you! Forgive me for not tithing, for not praying to you except in times of crisis, forgive me for using your name in vain and for being more concerned about my belongings than your way. I surrender to you! Take me and mold me. Give me strength and give me patience. Grant me peace and help me to give worry and stress to you like you’ve called your children to do. Make me whole. And all of this I ask in Jesus name. I need you Father.