I was recently browsing documents on my laptop when I found a letter that I wrote when I was suffering from depression. You can see the letter below.
26 October, 2010
Hi, my name is Jackie. I’m 16 years old. I go to a youth group where we do bible studies every week. I go to church every Sunday. I have a lot of friends who really care about me. I have a loving and supportive family. I believe that God is my
heavenly father and he answers prayer.
Yesterday I was diagnosed with depression.
I have been suffering from depression for a few months but it was only just recently that it got much worse.
I feel constantly confused. I am easily agitated, have lack of interest in things that I normally love, feel detached from my friends and family, cry a lot, have trouble concentrating, keep looking for an escape, feel no purpose or motivation, constantly forget things, feel numb and have trouble doing some of the most basic everyday tasks.
When I had all these things happening to me, I was scared; I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was blaming myself, I felt I was being selfish, acting in that way that worried everyone, and I was so terrified when I learnt I had no control over it. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. So when the doctor diagnosed me with depression, I felt a sense of relief. I know this will sound strange, but I’ve been so happy since being diagnosed. I feel a sense of hope, that now that my family and I know what is wrong with me, we can do something about it.
When it first became obvious to my parents that I had depression, they started praying over me and telling me to let God heal me, When I didn’t get any better, they got angry at me saying I didn’t have enough faith.
I hit rock bottom, just a few days ago I was at a point where even my parents wouldn’t listen to me or help me. I felt stupid for feeling depressed; I thought that it was something that I should be able to control myself and just stop. I also felt bad for my family; I could see that my depression was having a bad impact on them.
My Dad stopped smiling and my Mum would cry when she thought I wasn’t listening. My little sister and brother were scared; they didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t know what was happening to me either. I was so confused. I’d wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed, I couldn’t think of any reason to. I don’t have trouble getting out of bed anymore because now when I wake up, I praise the Lord and ask him to bless my day.
Although depression is a terrible thing, I feel that God may have a purpose for this. I know that I can overcome this with God’s help and when I’m healed of this depression, I am going to have an amazing testimony and be able to help others.
Just because I’ve been diagnosed with depression, doesn’t mean I have to act depressed; I’m going to be filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit, and be the happiest depressed person anyone has ever seen.
When I read this, I feel so blessed and overwhelmed with God’s love. He saved me from my pit of despair. He emptied my heart of all its unforgiveness, guilt and hurt and filled it with his healing everlasting love.
I am 17 years old and completing my last year of high school. When I graduate in 6 months’ time I am going to go on to study and become a Christian Depression Recovery Workshop facilitator. I don’t know when or how, but those are the exact words that God has said to me, and I know that this is what he wants me to do. I yearn to help others going through what I went through and pray that they can find God’s love just as I did.
God Bless everyone,