I can’t help to thinking fault I have done recently, and I am depressed. I am weak now. I feel that I need to split out the darkness within me then I can rest truly. I think I had a bad childhood. Things happened at that time had great influence on my life now and there are three main matters depressed me: my parents always fought each other, and my mother always gave venting to me. I felt I was surplus at that time. She loves my little brother far more than me.
The second thing is: I saw my parents having sex when I was young. And that gave me tremendous shock, which led to the third tragic that I had sex with my two cousins and a friend. I was just 11 years old. We all considered it as game and played it many times. I was not virgin any longer.
Before I chose Jesus as my Lord, I was living in a dark world. The only thing for me is to survive rather than live. Everything was gloomy. But now, my family all believe in Jesus. Something changed. I no longer hate my parents. I began to think in their sides, learning to love. But something stumbled me.
I was addicted to lesbian novels before I came to my Lord. I can’t give up it, what’s worse, I began to think that I am a lesbian, but I know it is wrong. Lesbian novels led me to pornos. I saw dirty novels and finally made masturbation. I can’t deny that comfortable feelings. Things turned out that whenever I was upset in real world, I turn to porno for help. Masturbation makes me happy for a short time, but after that, I am lost in a more gloomy world.
I am ashamed of what I did, and I am sorry for my Lord. I try to analyze my behavior, I know the past influences me. I cant forgive myself for having sex with my cousins and friends. And I am lonely. I am lacking in confidence, which makes me afraid to make friends. I really want to talk to someone about my past, and I want some advice! I don’t want to commit sins any more! But what should I do?