I cant help to thinking fault I have done recently,and I am depressed. I am weak now. I feel that I need to split out the darkness within me then I can rest truly. I think I have a bad childhood. Things happend at that time had great influence on my life now and there are three main matters depressed me: my parents always fought each other and my mother always gave venting to me. I felt I was surplus at that time. She loves my little brother far more than me.the second thing is: I saw my parents having sex when I was young.and that give me tremendous shock, which led to the third tragic that I had sex with my two cousins and a friend. I was just 11 years old. We all considered it as game and played it many times. I was not virgin any longer. Before I choose Jesus as my lord, I was living in a dark world.the only thing for me is to survive rather than live.everything was gloomy.but now, my family all believe in jesus.something changes. I am no longer hate my parents . I begin to think in their sides,learning to love.but something stumbled me. I was addicted to lesbian novels before I came to my lord. I cant give up it ,what’s worse, I begin to think that I am a lesbian, but I know it is wrong.lesbian novels led me to pornos. I saw dirty novels and finally made masturbation. I cant deny that comfortable feelings.things turned out that whenever I was upset in real world, I turn to porno for help. Masturbation makes me happy for a short time, but after that, I am lost in a more gloomy world. I am ashamed of what I did, and I am sorry for my lord. I try to analyse my behavior, I know the past influences me. I cant forgive myself for having sex with my cousins and friends.and I am lonely. I am lacking in confidnce, which makes me afraid to make friends. I really want to talk to someone about my past, and I want some advice! I dont want to commit sins any more! But what should I do?