In November 2017 I was diagnosed with HSV (Herpes simplex virus). It’s been about 8 months now.
I met this boy from a mutual friend. We got involved. I liked him but he didn’t have the same feelings. I was such a dumb teen but that’s how it all started. I eventually got symptoms. I googled search them and the first thing that came up was “herpes”. I asked the guy about it and he swore he didn’t have anything. However, my symptoms just got worse. I was indenial but I knew deep down there was a chance it was that. Eventually, I told my mom and she took me to the emergency room. That day was the worst day of my life. The doctor was sure I had HSV. When the test results came in, it was confirmed. I told the guy but he said he had nothing and had never had symptoms. Most people get no symptoms when they have herpes. Therefore, till this day he’s convinced he doesn’t have it.
My life hasn’t been the same since. In January and February it felt so unreal and I did everything I could to get it off my mind. I wasn’t sucidal but I didn’t care to live. March came around and everything hit me. I hated myself. I thought I would never be loved or ever to get to have children because nobody would ever want to be with me. I went into depression and isolated myself from everybody. I didn’t want to go out and meet new people. I thought my life was over.
Senior year is suppose to be fun but it was the worst for me. Nobody really knew how I was feeling. I didn’t want my mom worrying about me. So I kept everything to myself. It was a very lonely time for me. I felt empty and I just felt like nobody would understand.
April 1st came and my aunt took me to church with her. I hadn’t been to church in years and didn’t know what to expect. I cried so much during the service because I just knew God is what I needed in my life. It all made me feel less empty. Only God knows how I truly feel. I share everything with him. I no longer feel empty and lonely. Till this day I attend church Sunday and am happy to call myself a Christian.
One night I came across a healing prayer and I did my research on divine healing. It gave hope that night and I decided to prayed for healing. The next morning I woke up thinking “silly me, a miracle like that would never happen to me.” However, I started obsessing over the thought of me being healed so I prayed every morning and night about for it. I didnt want my relationship with God to only be about this virus and me being healed from it so I stopped asking for it and started to lose hope on me being healed.
Graduation came around and I was still angry with myself. Literally on the field right before I’m about to get my diploma I thought about how I’m enetering the “real world” with this virus and I felt so disappointed and upset with myself. Graduation was suppose to be one of the happiest days of my life but it wasn’t. I wanted to forget about it all so I partied hard after graduation. I just wanted to live my life like a normal teen. I always thought about the person I use to be before I got the virus and I missed being that person. I thought I was missing out on so much and because of that after promising God I wouldn’t make the same mistakes, I made the same mistakes. I felt so disgusted with myself. I realized because of God I am turning into a beautiful person (despite the virus) and was missing out on nothing. I felt like since I made those same mistakes I had no business asking for God’s healing anymore. So I just dealt with it.
At first I thought I was being punished for having a sex life. However, this could have happened to anybody. Unfortunately, it happened to me and I don’t want to live my life like this anymore. I get back to back outbreaks. It’s painful and super uncomfortable. I want to genuinely be happy with myself and my life. I’m 18 my life has just started but I’m so sad with everything. Having this virus has held me from doing so much and being happy. I tell myself everything will be okay but at the end of each day I cry myself to sleep. I try to always be positive about everything but it just isn’t enough. I am not happy and haven’t been for a while. I know I’m not a horrible person I deserve to be at least happy. I am human. I made mistakes. We all do. God knows every mistake we’re gonna make before we make it and he still loves us. God is my only hope. I need help on doing it the right way this time. Please help me with guidance and prayers to receiving God’s healing.