My birth mother was only 16 when I was born. She gave me up for adoption and then took me back. She gave me up the second time when I was 8 months old and was adopted by a loving Christian family. My mom raised my sister and I up in church and my father didn’t go to church unless it was Christmas or Easter. I became heavily involved in church with choir and missions and church camp; but it wasn’t enough. I was just going through the motions. I was a hypocrite. I would be all about Jesus on Sundays and live every other day of the week the way I wanted.
When I was 14 I started dating guys behind my parents back. My first boyfriend was emotionally and verbally abusive; we dated for three years. I started cutting myself at 15 and at 16 someone noticed and got me help. My second boyfriend was physically abusive. Through all of that I started giving up on the whole religion thing.
When I started college. I completely stopped going to church. I began attempting ways to fill the void in my heart. I tried drugs and liquor and then I started jumping from relationship to relationship. One night I went to a party at my best friends house where I was drugged and raped by her brother’s best friend. When I told her she said I was a liar and if I said no he would have stopped. After that I slipped into a deep depression. My roommate would invite me to church and try to fix me the only way she knew how. I decided I needed to change the way I was doing things; I tried to change myself. So, I transferred schools and everything was going okay for a couple of months then I found my way into trouble again. This time I got caught. I was suspended from school.
That’s when I realized I couldn’t do it alone. I needed help. I cried out to God; He changed me. However, after all I did I kept thinking that I wasn’t good enough; I’m not worthy enough for God. I just kept thinking I don’t deserve Him. Finally, in 2013, I realized the truth in that. Yes, I am far from worthy and I am definitely not good enough. However, that is the truth in God’s grace. We were dead because of our sins and it is only by God’s grace that I am saved! God saved me by His grace when I believed and I can’t earn it because it is a gift from God. He loves me just as I am despite the sins of the past. Because He is rich in grace and mercy I am forgiven.