Ok, so this is hard for me to let out it’s been a couple of months since I decided to do this. When I was little my stepdad was very abusive, he hurt my mom and me. It wasn’t until he’d been married to my mom a little while that I realized this wasn’t right.
So one of my first memories is of defending my mom. My stepdad was backing my mom into the bathroom screaming about something. I remember it specifically; I was watching Barney in my parent’s room wrapped up in their comforter. I had already yelled shut up several times to be very specific I was only four.
Well, when I turned around as I already said he was backing mom into the bathroom. I ran to her rescue I climbed the door frame so he couldn’t get to her. She kept taunting him saying, “oh look she’s defending me.” Well, that set him off he screamed in my face,” I’ll hit through this child to get to you.”
I never can remember after that. Well not too much later my stepdad picked me up from daycare we were fighting about something. When we got home he said,” I’ll show you how much I love you,” and he took advantage of me. I was four. For years I’ve blamed my mother for not protecting me but how could she she wasn’t there. Then as I got older I became more disobedient. You could tell me one thing and I’d do the exact opposite. I didn’t care who you were.
It was my way or no way then I moved in with my dad. My anger got worse and more out of control. I punched walls and eventually people. I wasn’t happy. I got saved later because I felt that’s what my family wanted; I didn’t know that that would be the seed I needed to get me through the hard times. That’s when I was hospitalized for the first time. I had punched a wall.
I was sent to UAB and I stayed a week I got out Christmas day. I was depressed and didn’t know where to turn. I hated God. He had put me in that place then in February I overdosed on abilify. My stepmom watched me take it and then when my knees gave. She got scared and she called her friend who came immediately. I didn’t have a gag reflex I couldn’t throw the medication up I thought for sure I would die. I didn’t though I made it only to be hospitalized again.
This time I was through with God. When I was taken out, I had lost my best friend of 41/2 years and I wasn’t myself anymore. I couldn’t get away with as much. I was addicted to sex by this time I loved it. It made me feel in power. It made me feel wanted. Something I didn’t really understand. Well, that led to my next hospitalization. My family didn’t want me but didn’t want to send me to foster care.
So, they gave me to my grandparents who I then got in a physical fight with and scared half to death. That led to my last hospitalization which was supposed to be longer term after the meeting with my family. I got saved for real that week realizing I had been so wrong I had done a lot of that to myself by pushing everyone away. Now I’m home and safe after a simple prayer for one last chance. God is good and don’t any of you forget that.